After a blissful week on my own (lots of time spent dancing around in my pants), I'm getting a new roommate. Tomorrow afternoon. An Italian girl. My landlord/lady chose her, so we've never met, but the girl called me this evening (from Italy!) for a chat, and she seems nice. I'll only be living with her for three weeks anyway. *shrug* I'm not particularly well-suited to one-on-one flat sharing. I very much enjoy sharing a living space with a group of people, but sharing a living space with just one other person makes me uncomfortable.

Tomorrow night, I think I am going to have some haggis. :-) mmmm. Today, I had a large mango. It was a bit bitter, and would have tasted better had I given it another day or two to ripen fully. But I didn't. Couldn't. Had to have it today. !

I'm starting to feel "off" about having to spend the summer in Chicago. Because I don't want to. Simple as that. I'd rather stay here. I can only maintain a decent front for about a week and a half, so even Christmases are a bit of a stretch. But two months in the summer!? Pretending to believe things that I don't believe, and to feel things that I don't feel, and to want things that I don't want, and to be things that I'm not anymore...*rant*

this weekend was the closest thing I've had to a real vacation in 2 years. pure relaxation with nothing at all hanging over my head. i read two books, got the start of a tan, ate good food, went out and socalized, saw music and art. i haven't felt this refreshed ... really any time that I can remember. now I am going to flop happily into bed.

OH.MY.GOODNESS.GRACIOUS.ME.

I am just as totally head-over-heels in love with ClayAiken now as I was three years ago, when I was totally head-over-heels in love with ClayAiken.

Also, I've a serious wet spot for this new snappy dark suit/floppy dark hair (and suspiciously large shiny dark shoes) look of his.

That segment of the AI5 final still has me in stitches! So bloody funny!! The Clay-impersonator so completely freaked out in the unexpected presence of his idol that they brought a stool out on stage for him, because he wasn't calming down...he couldn't stop shaking, so RyanSeacrest came and stood behind him to check he was okay (and then kept a hand firmly clamped on the guy's shoulder to prevent him from jumping Clay while he performed).

So cute. So hilarious. I was initially skeptical of the real Clay's new look, but after watching video replay of that segment a dozen or so times today...*yeah*...wet spot. *PHWOAR!*

today was nice. got out of work a little early, read a book in the sunshine, did some half-hearted housework, saw bebelo with laks. now i feel sleepy and happy.

You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.

Last night is going to linger on in my mind, become romanticized and fictionalized, preserved in oversaturated, cartoon-ish color, remembered with a twinge and that certain-rushing-feeling on humid spring nights in years to come. I can’t tell you why precisely: it was a convergence of silly and beautiful things; a feeling of acceptance of many things at once; drunk but not drunken. Sometimes, such small things can break my heart. I know it’s cheesy, but bear with me.

Celebrity Blog quote of the day:
On the subject of Jessica Simpson wanting to reconcile with Nick Lachey, "I bet Jessica realized how hot she was on Newlyweds and jumped to the conclusion that Nick was the source of her sexy powers. It's stupid thinking, but who can blame her. Considering God gave her a walnut for a brain, it's a wonder she's not covered in burns from trying to shower in the oven. "

One of the good things about Provo is that it is very much still 1960 here. People still think you rebel by smoking behind the school or swearing, they still believe a man is trying to tell them what to do, they still leave their doors unlocked and leave their clothing in the dryer at the Laundromat. At the same time, nothing annoys me so much as kids smoking behind the school and swearing, especially if they’re Mormon. To me, it’s such a bigger rebellion to be in the punk scene or the goth scene and stay straight-edge, to be unapologetic about your religion, then it is to ‘shock’ your church community with a tattoo or whatever. That’s just me.

My favorite rebellion of late in Provo is the “pseudo-fag”. Hipster and punk guys have discovered that while even the most conservative communities accept leather jackets and skateboards, rednecks and backwater religious folks still freak out when they see an androgynous and/or openly gay man. Thus, hipster guys have started (I kid you not) affecting a “gay” lilt to their speech, wearing their clothing supertight, wearing makeup and skirts, and doing their hair with pomade. So of course, I’m loving it.

I’m spending my time in Provo (where I’m picking up Margaret and driving back to Dallas) catching up on documentaries, trading, and not getting thin. The last documentary I watched was “Grey Gardens”, the heartbreaking and strange story about two of Jackie O’s relatives who lived in an East Hampton mansion with dozens of cats and raccoons without running water. There’s a horrible codependence between the two women—mother Edith and daughter Edie—Edie moved in with her mother when her mother got sick—Edie was 30ish, I think, and then she never left. Her entire life passed her by, every suitor her mother turned away, and so she is incredibly bitter towards her mother, but clings to her, as she is the only person Edie has. You watch Edie (at this time in her late 50’s early 6os) preen for the camera, flirt with the interviewer, and confide about what she’s going to do when she “moves back to the city” and “moves on with her life.” Of course, she never leaves. The documentary was shot in the 70’s, and at the end, they have a snippet of conversation between the interviewer and Edie in 2000, and she was still there at Grey Gardens. Somehow, that movie was too real.

I’m also working on a costume for Margaret’s gig on June 2. Her bandmates are dressing up in dresses, and we’re making her a sexy suit and tie, with shorts instead of pants and a waistcoat and heels. Speaking of Margaret’s pyschobilly band, I’m totally crushing on the lead singer. Observe--->:

He’s all about the pseudo-fag, and he’s flirts with sadism, which is great for me, but the problem is, he’s a really, really good guy, even though he pretends he isn’t for rock n’ roll purposes. So chances are, he wouldn’t be interested in having me tie him up and whip him with chains (or whatever, I’m just saying.) if we weren’t in a ‘committed relationship.’ Talk about gay.

Friday marks the first Friday in almost 1.5 years that I will be going out on a friday night date. This could be disasterously uncomfortable or really fun. Or both. We’ll see. I have a feeling, and call me crazy, that the movie (X3) is going to completely suck.

ALSO: there's a Catatonics show tonight. 9p.m. Phyllis' Musical Inn at Division and Wood. I really hope people show up.

well, good. Now there is no record of anything having happened at all. No marks left on anyone. No deadweight to drag along.

money woes

I want to buy many things, none of which I can afford right now. Among those things are:
> a new electric guitar
> a loft bed
> a digital camera
> a small, flat-panel tv
> a cell phone not manufactured in 1989

I also want to pay off my student loan debts. But none of these things can happen due to my current massive tuition bills. Hate!

Short of prostituting myself, I've come up with a few legal ways to pull in some extra cash.
> selling old text books on Half.com
> selling old clothes to recycle, crossroads trading, etc.
> selling other excess possessions on craigslist
> paying freelance work? (this seems a. hard to find, b. time consuming, and c. rarely compensated at a level commesurate with the effort involved).

Anyone else have any good ideas for making some cash on the side? My investment in the IL lotto is not working out quite so well as planned.

Right now, a family of five Chinese is living in my flat. Plus me. :-/ It's like MeltonHall all over again...except significantly smaller, and minus an internet connection in my room.

ani difranco guests on the new greg dulli album. it's one of those things to which my reaction is obvious enough that i won't bore you with an explanation.

I had every intent to write something meaningful today. I've drafted several entries in my head throughout the day--on the documentary I saw on Waco, my work, my plans for New York, the two consecutive weekends my mother and/or father left town, my mother's day, my newfound love of laser tag, et al--but in the end, I've been screwing around (and not in a fun way) playing Lemonade Stand, perhaps the most inane yet addictive flash game ever devised.

It's no secret that I only screw around (and not in a fun way) when I'm depressed our bored or procrastinating--in this case all three. I've been throwing myself 100% into work so I can really master commodities before I move to New York...and yet, I can't perfect it. It's a huge drain on physical and emotional resources, and by the end of the day I have a mountain of to-do post-it notes and people to call, and instead of attempting to scale such tasks I just drag myself to the TV or another available screen. Today, it's the lemonade stand. Yesterday it was "Waco" and "House." I can't/have no wish to create art, and as I told a friend the other day, I suppose this is called adulthood.

There is a difference in my blogging lexicon between what i think or know, and what i feel--one is invariable (more or less), and the other is constantly in flux. When I speak about myself, I try to use the latter structure, which creates upon review a series of emotions in constant contradiction. I feel lonely. What is strange about this is that I do not often feel lonely; in fact, I refer to my emotional independence in "know" terms: I think I am never lonely, I do not need people. All things considered, I probably have kept to this without much contradiction these past two years. But now as I'm leaving and I'm reflecting on all the things I've done since I've moved home, I've come to the conclusion that I have no one, and in fact, haven't had anyone in a very long time. My life in Dallas has been a series of long distance friendships and relationships, a general atrophy of the physical into the shadow. That isn't to say people haven't tried--Bonnie and Alan, bless them, the Flynn when he's been in town, and Laura drags me out to lunch every week. This isn't to say it isn't my fault--I don't initiate, I don't call, I don't try. But my fault or not, I feel awful.

To be honest, I'm not sure why. I feel as if I've run away, and I've been hiding all this time, and now it's time for me to come back and no one remembers me. Which is of course absurd--my friends are lovely and intelligent and talented and caring people. This has much less to do with them than it does with me. I would, in fact, be annoyed if people started calling me and emailing me and wanting to go out--I don't have time for that sort of thing.

Part of it is that I don't like myself as much as I did 2 years ago. I like parts of myself more--I'm quieter, more confident, more knowledgeable about who I am. But I have also become colder, more fearful, and less mannerly. I dress poorly, eat poorly, don't exercise, don't voice my wants to my parents like I should. I have absolutely no confidence in my ability to pull men that I want, and I don't feel at all marketable for friendship. I know that I am not as smart as I think I am. That's sad. But it also is probably more the result of my general malaise than it is a fact.

Somewhere between the home-hideout and the nomadic wandering I have completely lost my center. And the closer New York gets the more I realize how vastly unprepared I am to deal with what has happened to me these past 2 years--my own private Vietnam. I couldn't tell you, though, which part was the French, which the Vietcong, and which the 18-year-old American volunteers. I feel stronger in my bones but razed all around. And playing Lemonade Stand all day (4 hours) isn't conducive to solving this problem easier.

No alarms and no surprises please.

Don't worry, don't worry, I'm coming. In the meantime, highlights from the Onion's "What do you think?" : American Voices section:

U.S. Infant-Mortality High
In a survey of 33 industrialized nations, the United States was shown to have the second-worst infant-mortality rate. What do you think?

"Number two? This is bullshit!"--Kevin Kolski, Systems Analyst

Drug Tested On Children
A recently uncovered study revealed that pharmaceutical giant Pfizer tested an unapproved meningitis drug on children in Nigeria without their knowledge. What do you think?

"Right. Like an American drug company would give away free prescription drugs." --Mindy Davis, Brewer

"Are you happy now, PETA?" --Keith Haas,Meat Packer

Iran's President Offers Advice
Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sent President Bush an 18-page letter of suggestions for resolving current international issues. What do you think?

"It's very presumptuous. We don't hear from Iran since 1979 and now we're supposed to drop everything and read an 18-page letter?"--Vippin Vasavada, Truck Driver

"How quaint–nobody writes letters anymore. It is nice to see a real gentleman in charge of Iran's nuclear weapons development program."-- Bridget Mulley, Donut Franchise Operator

Kennedy Re-Enters Rehab
After a 3:00 AM car accident in downtown Washington, DC, representative Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) returned to a rehab clinic in Minnesota for treatment. What do you think?

"I blame his rehab clinic's cafeteria for making the most addictive waffles on the planet. I've relapsed six times hoping to get another taste."--Kathy Hollngs, Systems Analyst

"My Dad used to say it's not summer until a Kennedy drives on the sidewalk. Well, he's out planting his garden now."--David Berger, Street Sweeper

what really happened:

> Denny proposed to Izzy. She says yes. Then he dies.
> Alex comforts Izzy.
> Meredeth and Derek decide to put the dog to sleep. they have sex. both derek and meredeth are left to decide who they really want to be with.
> Burke is OK, but he's left with a twitchy hand? (I can't really figure out what happened from clicking around the blogosphere, but it seems he will live.)
> Dr. Torrez is nice to Meredith AGAIN, even though Meredith is a cold bitch.
> Christina and Burke seem to be OK.
> George and Torrez situation is unclear.

Before I go read what happened on the season finale of Grey's Anatomy, here are my predictions.

> Denny dies.
> Burke lives, Christina assists in the surgery, and he ultimately forgives her when he comes to.
> the dog dies, which brings Meredith and Derek back together. they kiss.
> also, Meredith and Chris O'Donnell (the vet) call it quits. (bummer, but it has to happen.)
> Dr. Torrez blows up at George (he deserves it). Ultimately, he comes through for her and says he loves her. Either that or they call it off. I like the Torrez character, though, and I hope they keep her around.
> Izzy -- gets kicked out of the hospital? loses her license? I don't know about this one ... something very very bad.
> Addison Shepard. you know? I've built up a lot of sympathy for her ... I don't know what they'll do with her. Maybe she moves back to NY.

I'll be back with the real version shortly.

the supreme court is stupid. why grant cert if you're not going to address the issue? These lazy effers take less than 90 cases per year, and then they go around deciding them like a frickin trial court? It's just a stupid waste of time. now they can take the same issue again next year, and maybe then they'll find some other way to completely avoid actually making any legal judgments or setting policy.

I found an awesome new apartment in Logan Square. It is sooooo super cute -- hardwood floors, lots of windows, vintage glass doors on the closet, arched entryway. god. it's frickin' perfect. now, I want this and everything will be perfect.

I am half-way done with law school. The Con Law test was a beast, as predicted. Still, I think I nailed most of the main points. But I am too dazed to feel celebratory. I drank some beers afterwards and could think of nothing at all to say. It's like my brain is saying, 'ok, that's quite enough for one week. i am going completely slack now. goodbye.' it's still kind of in that state.

lifestyle update:

A) Smoking is now, finally, prohibitively expensive. $8.25 per pack, at a minimum. Let's say I buy 5 packs a month. That's $41.25 per month. $495 per year. I do not want to deal with the financial consequences of buying even one pack a week. (Obviously, I need that money to support my other self-abusing habits such as fast food and beer.) But it comes down to this. I TRULY want this pack I bought tonight to be my last. After finals are over on Thursday, I am going to make a serious go at just giving it up. they are getting me nowhere.

B) My drinking habits have fizzled out pretty well over the past month. Let's do the good ol' week tally thing again: 7 in the past 7 days. (w:0; th:3; f:3; sa:0; su:0; m:0; tu:1) Going from 20 plus down to 7? pretty drastic. weird thing is, I didn't even try to cut back. I don't even think about it.

C) Eating habits remain deplorable. unrecountably deplorable. everything I eat is either a) microwaved b) fried or c) from a vending machine. and that does not stop me from consuming mass quantities of everything. oh it is truly bad.

D) sleep: never had a problem in this area before this finals week. suddenly I toss and turn until 4 a.m. Perhaps this has something to do with the reduction in B)?

E) this has nothing to do with lifestyle, but what's up with the mumps going around illinois? should I be particularly concerned about this weird sore throat?

F) also nothing to do with lifestyle, but my roommate and I are both suckers for that stupid show Grey's Anatomy, so imagine my thrill at the appearance of my middle-school crush Chris O'Donnell in a recurring guest role as Meredith's new love interest! I've come full circle, my friends. full circle.

so anyway, I have my last final of the semester on Thursday, and I gotta say: not looking forward to it. I think I actually hate the constitution now, whereas before this dreadful semester began, I was simply ignorant of it. At least I know I did pretty well on family law and SLAUGHTERED DEAD civil procedure. (Never try to sue me in the wrong court, because I will file a special appearance in your face faster than you can say Rule 4, bucko.) But, yeah, the main thing I'll remember from constitutional law is that our venerable supreme court is a lot like a fast food restaurant: we once had a Justice Burger and a Justice Frankfurter serving at the SAME FRIGGIN TIME! that blows my mind.

ok, I am spent.

I have another cold, and this is completely unacceptable. One may attribute it to the lack of nutrients, or a balanced diet, and they might be right. Laura spent Wednesday night at my house and was abhorred by my living arrangement--children drinking soda, not a vegetable to be found that wasn't mealy! But as they say, when in Dallas, eat like the texans do.

My parents just got back after spending a week in San Diego. Watching the kids was fine, in fact, it was no different from how i life my life when my parents actually are at home...

I had more to say, but apparently I'm being taken out for lunch.

comments@whitehouse.gov
to me
May 2 (1 day ago)
On behalf of President Bush, thank you for your correspondence.We appreciate hearing your views and welcome your suggestions.Due to the large volume of e-mail received, the White House isunable to respond to every message, and therefore this responseis an autoreply.Thank you again for taking the time to write.

What the frick? I didn't even write the president. And if i had, it would be to tell him how awesome Steven Colbert was on CSPAN. I haven't written to the white house since I was 12 and I wrote Clinton to complain about his tolerance for Phillip Morris's youth-targeted cigarette giveaways in Russia, an issue I felt quite strongly about at the time. And I was so annoyed that all I got back was a form letter that I never wrote to the White House again. The form card said something about Al Gore and the enviroment. At least have the decency to send me the right form letter. whatever. This is the third time this week I've gotten an email that I had nothing to do with. Some chick named Meredith or Melody keeps signing up for things--websites, newsletters--and giving them my address. Either the same chick has butterfingers, or someone is randomly giving out my email address. Is wayne brady going to have to choke a bitch?

WOW. I am totally engrossed in this unfolding Kaavya Viswanathan scandal. But the very best part is this ridiculous organization "IvyWise" that will help you get your kids into an Ivy league school. They also have services that go all the way back to FREAKING PRESCHOOL."The focus of this package is on creating a list of specific schools, strategizing the application process for each school, and formulating a plan and timetable for the admissions process," says the IvyWise web site of its nursery school program. Some news reports say the cost of the get-into-an-ivy-for-college service is $30,000. My goodness. Looks like in IvyWise's frenzy to get this girl's book published so she could get into Harvard, they forgot about a little thing called fact checking. ridiculous. I blame the parents, and I blame Harvard. You can't get into that school unless you have a book published or you've liberated a small African nation. With expectations like that, OF COURSE the rich people are going to cheat their kids in.

I am totally not ready for it to be May already.

Superficial and unimportant news about me: a roundup

1) I have spent all weekend torn up about some random occurrence Friday afternoon. I took Bonnie to see "friends with money" (thus making it the only movie I have seen theatrically more than 2 times in over 5 YEARS), and I was a bit late and in a rush, and some old couple behind me asks me what movie to see, as they can't decide. I tell them "Friends with Money", I tell them it's the third time I'm seeing it, and I tell them I love it because it's the first adult movie I've seen in ages with dignity and a complex, mature happy ending. Now, while the characters do end the movie with dignity, they spend most of it being undignified and desperate or self-absorbed--it isn't until the joycean ending that they achieve transcendence. So "Dignity" was misleading. Also, I forgot that there is a huge amount of profanity--like, every 30 seconds. And when the movie was over, the old couple didn’t stop by to thank me for the rec, so now I'm sure they hated it and I'm all torn up inside.

2) My new contacts are AMAZING and I love them. No no, listen, this is so rad: they've come out with these new contacts--something gay sounding like new dimensions or radiance--that are like veneers for your eyes. They have a small amount of shimmer painted onto them, and a little bit of grey outlining them. You put them on, and they cause your eyes to artificially sparkle and gleam. It sounds creepy, but it's very, very subtle. You can get it in green, silver, gold, or blue. I got green, and now I have these scary, dreamy ice princess eyes. They're the same color as before (grey), but there's a glint to them. Astonishing. I completely regret not getting these contacts in gold and silver as well. I will never again use anything but these.

3) Saw "Stick It" over the weekend. Finally, the amazingly bad yet completely awesomely bad teen movie is back. Remember how much we loved "Bring it On"? "Stick It" is better--like "Grind" but for gymnastics. Among the choice lines:

--"Um, coach, can we switch to the short sleeve leotards? I have the right to bear arms"
--Boy 1: "Thanks for taking a bite out of my moment there."
Boy 2: "No problem."
Boy 1:"How'd it taste?"
Boy 2: "Delicious"
--Gymnast to boys: "Just let us change out of our 'tards. That's short for leotards, you know, but minus the leo."
--"I don't like what you're instimulating here"

And believe it or not, the film actually is trying to say something. It makes a lot of good points about the way gymnasts are judged, the importance of loyalty and honesty, and why girls need to stick together. The purpose of the movie is to illustrate how messed up the judging criteria is--how innovation is discouraged and convention encouraged. It's done with such passion though, it cracks me up--this director really wanted to blow the lid off the gymnastics world, really expose the sport and incite outrage. It's sweet but at the same time terribly funny, because as we all know, gymnasts are terrible, terrible people.

possible sign that I've been working at a corporate law magazine for too long: woke up this morning from a dream in which I was arrested for securities fraud. It didn't even occur to me until I'd already been booked and put in a holding cell to raise in my defense: WAIT! I hold no stock in any public company, the company for which I work is privately held, and I know nothing at all about the stock market! When my alarm went off, I seriously asked myself, 'how am I going to turn this alarm clock off when I'm handcuffed?'