Things look so much nicer when they're sparkly

So let's see, what first, my Thanksgiving or my trip to San Francisco? Since I have no pictures for Thanksgiving, and I have yet to upload the photos from SF, let's go with Thanksgiving.

Our holiday season started off with a bash: we got robbed, not once, but twice. Yeah, it was pretty awesome. The Emmanuel, one of the members of the cleaning staff at my dad's brand new office, gave one of his friends a key and jammed the side door so the guy could come in and take $3000 worth of high def tv's and a $4000 recording machine. And because our insurance premium is $5000, that means we don't get reimbursed for those losses. Awesome. And we can't press charges against Emmanuel or against the guy because we don't have cameras on the side of the building--so while we saw Emmanuel jam the lock, on tape it could be argued he's "cleaning it", and while we saw the man come into the building, we didn't record him coming out with our stuff, which means unless we find him with our TV's in the back of his car, we can't press charges. Awesomer. So someone back in Mexico is having an awesome Thanksgiving with two new top of the line LCD TV's.

So let's make sure we have this straight. In Texas:
--Weaving in an out of traffic: Sends you to jail
--Going into your office and copying your own documents: Sends you to jail
--Robbing offices: Completely cool

We had to fire the cleaning staff when the guy came back the day before Thanksgiving and took our second TV. Yes, it’s cruel to fire people right before the holidays. But the whole thing was so flagrantly an inside job we couldn’t keep them on in good conscience. Now mom gets up at 5 to clean the center, and I take over the house chores. And you know what's kind of ironic? When Dad was in medical school, mom used to clean my uncle's office in exchange for grocery money. And here she is, 20 years later, back to cleaning offices. Only this time she isn't getting paid.

My brother got baptized on Saturday, and my 8-year-old cousin Molly, also 8, came down to be baptized as well.

Thanksgiving day started with Margaret, Julia, and Mom cooking; Dad running back and forth to the store; and me furiously cleaning the house before my grandmother arrived. And since it is genuinely acknowledged that I am the rubbish cook of the family because I can't bake a cake, I was assigned table settings and house cleaning, to which I am expert.

We learn a few things about ourselves when a large group of family arrives: how we are different, how we are similar. For all those of you who make fun of my pepsi intake, you'll be happy to know that my Aunt Carrie came into the house with a bottle of coke, half drunk, and said, "Nancy, I need a coke. Who wants to drive me to the store so I can get a coke?" Also, I look exactly like the Shacklefords. My nose, eyes, profile--they're just like my grandpa's. I am not, however, a yeller like they are.

The dinner wasn't too bad, as all things go. The food was lovely, but we had a ton of leftovers, so our fridge is still bursting. Friday Laura came by, as I promised her a ride to the airport. She gave me a copy of a short story she was working on, as well as photographs of the mural she just finished in her room. The mural was so incredibly gorgeous I was stunned--like Cezanne and Murakami had a baby with Escher. I desperately want to hire her to do something for me, but have no resources in which to pay her.

Margaret and Julia and I snuck out Friday night to see "Just Friends." Before you judge me, here me out. I was sold on one line in the previews: where the chubby Ryan Reynolds sees all the football players and says in this horrified voice, "Oh my gawd." My expectations were low--a less brilliant dumb and dumber. And let me say, I'm not sure if it was the seasonal spirit, or the late night showing, or the fun audience, or what, but I seriously did not stop laughing the whole movie. I was seriously sick when it was over from laughing so hard. I need a sober opinion, so someone needs to see it and let me know if it's as hysterical as I remember it being. Ryan Reynolds=new favorite actor. Unbelievable.

Saturday was the baptism, where I was told the night before that I was giving a talk on what baptism means. So I got up, banged out a talk about the three cornerstones of baptism (joining the church, being cleansed of sin, and receiving the holy ghost), their biblical roots, and used some visual aids to make it clear for 8-year-olds. And you know what? It was really sweet and beautiful, actually. The whole thing. And the kids were well behaved and really seemed to understand how important the whole thing was. Then my mom got up and did a talk on the holy ghost, and everyone was crying. The whole thing was quite moving. To which we countered by going to Texas Land and Cattle and eating steak like heathens. Speaking of heathens, I got to spend the evening babysitting a couple. Marg and Julia came over towards the end when they fell asleep though, and we all watched "Persuasion" and cross stitched together. Honestly, I think I'm not Elizabeth Bennett at all. I'm much closer to Anne Elliott. Only no captain shall be coming back for me.

Grandpa did leave me with some spectacular stories, by the way. I will be willing to retell any of the following, should you wish it:
1) The woman with maggots in her uterus
2) The white supremacist who microwaved a baby
3) The suicide at the crash site
4) Benner's 2 weak old dead body in a hot room
5) the family who burned down their outhouse
6) Chief-the man with the giant testicles
7) Man who peeled his face off at a construction site

I know that the titles are making you guys all roll your eyes and say, "Urban legend, whatever, urban legend, hearsay", but you have to understand--for my grandpa and uncles, a story is not good unless it's true. So they never retell a story unless they see it firsthand, or they hear it from someone who saw it first hand. 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 all happened while my grandpa was in construction or sheriff. 2 is a story he heard about on the police dispatcher after retirement, and he asked some fellows on the force about it. 1 was a story that Randall's nurse told him about an ER patient she had treated earlier that week. SO. I'm not just telling you rumors, but actual horrible stories that made me slightly sick. And that is saying something. I'll probably tell you 1 anyway, whether you ask for it or not, because it's so amazing.

I'm not sure if my forays into celebrity news are exasperating or a good time waster, so I'm going to keep on as if you were actually entertained.

Dude, I've never been more embarrassed for a human being.
For his estimated $500,000, I hear that 50 Cent performed only four or five songs - and badly - though he did manage to work in the lyric, "Go shorty, it's your bat mizvah, we gonna party like it's your bat mitzvah."
At one point, I'm told, one of Fitty's beefy bodyguards blocked shots of his boss performing and batted down the kids' cameras, shouting "No pictures! No pictures!" - even preventing Brooks' personal videographers and photographers from capturing 50 Cent's bat-miztvah moment.
"Fitty and his posse smelled like an open bottle of Hennessy," a witness told told me, adding that when the departing rapper prepared to enter his limo in the loading dock, a naked woman was spotted inside.

I guess what bothers me about the "selling out" notion is a combination of my own personal prejudices as well as 50's attitude. See, I call him 50 because we're tight; we don't need the formalities that "Mr. Cent" brings to the table. I grew up, as most of you did as well, in the alternative era. Rock stars were bad, corporate sponsorship was bad, ticketmaster was bad--music was about the music, right? We've all realized by now that such a view is naive and impractical, and we know at the time people were selling out right and left and whoring themselves out to corporate rock, but it wasn't an ideal--if anything, it was shameful. Despite this, there is something admirable about the idea of rock and rap as an art form, and I think interestingly enough we're closer to the 90's standard of independent music today. Grandaddy and Moby can sell their songs to car makers, Modest Mouse can sell beer, the postal service m&ms, but they turn their profits into building their own studios and adding leverage to their contracts so they can make the kind of music they want within the business framework, without interference. But that's a tangent. The point is, I am conditioned to think shameless whoring is bad.

The second thing that annoys me about 50's bat mitzvah blow-out is that yes, ok, you're selling out for $500,000. But so was Tom Petty and a whole bunch of other stars. But you don't see Tom Petty arriving with a naked chick in the back of a limo and a drunk posse, do you? Sure, it's because Petty don't roll like that, but it's also because Petty realizes (maybe unconsciously) that you can't be real or streetwise or dope if you're playing a high roller's daughter's bat mitzvah. 50 could have maintained dignity by being honest about being a Sri Lanka girl boy prostitute to a 12-year-old girl, but know. He pretended as if he were all suited up to crash the Vibe Awards and start shooting Suge Knight's players. But he wasn't, see. He was singing "In the Club" to a girl still too young to wear deodorant.

Which brings me to the third thing that bothers me: showing up with naked women, booze, drugs, and a gangbang posse to a party filled with 7th graders. Yeah, I get it, kids today are more socially aware and less cloistered. But for heaven's sake, let's try to preserve some measure of dignity for a young woman passing into adulthood. She'll have college to find out how horrible human beings can be--let's not give her the onslaught of sin and corruption all in the first night of being a woman, ok?

And in my continuing effort to give you commentary on social mores, here's a little something I picked up from perezhilton.com today:
Unsolicited advice from all angles and corners are telling pop tart Britney Spears to get rid of hubby Kevin Federline. Even a recent poll told the star to dump her hubby.
*
Though most have no business telling Brit what to do with her marriage, one person probably can give the new mom to Sean Preston some very good advice.
Brit's mom Lynne Spears.
*
Lynne moved in with the couple shortly after the pair brought their newborn baby home, and a friend of Britney now dishes to the Star Magazine that Mom "seems to think that Kevin is a huge freeloader.

This is hardly news to anyone--there has been a general public outcry about Kevin Federline's worthlessness from day 1. But my question today was really, why? I'm not arguing that Kevin's the perfect guy--in fact, I think he's the kind of guy that I could only lay if he were disfigured during the apocalypse and I had lost my hands and we were the only two people left and the survival of the human race depended on it. He's lazy, he dresses poorly, he's poorly educated, he's a poor father, he's insensitive, and he's arrogant of all of those accomplishments. But for a particular kind of women, and when I say that, I mean bayou crawling southern barefoot-and-pregnant former strippers who work part time at Walmart, he's a good looking man. He's got that white trash perpetual squint, he looks decent in a wife beater. He can dance. At one point if you look at old press photos, he was decent-looking. Observe:

So he isn't my type, but he's hers, and Britney thinks he's hot. She got herself a trophy husband. So why are we so anxious for her husband to do something--get a job, go to work, anything to make money. He doesn't need to make money. Is the notion of a kept man really so terrible that we're horrified by the existence of one? How many Hollywood couples consist of a high-rolling man and some arm candy? In fact, the uglier the man, the hotter the wife: Kelsey Grammer, Billy Bob Thorton. And you know that all those sports players didn't marry their wives because their wives were really motivated, hard working, and established. No no, that's absolutely fine. But when a high powered women marries someone without ambition, or younger, or more poor, suddenly we're all in an uproar and can't believe the marriage is happening. Gerlado Rivera is 62 and his wife is 30. Shrug. Demi Moore is 42, and her husband is 27. OH MY GOSH, MY BRAIN HAS COMPLETELY FALLEN OUT OF MY HEAD. Robert Murdoch broke up with his high powered wife for the maid. He and his new wife can be seen going to galas, still New York high society despite the scandal. Cher starts going out with some baker and the national outcry is so severe she breaks it off. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE. Let a woman marry a trashy leech who does nothing but provide her with offspring--men have been doing it for years. So unless we want to tell high powered men to stop, we all need to shut up about it

I got no style; I got no grace.

I was away from the 'net for four full days. So of course I expected to have some good reads when I came back to Earth. But no. All y'all are slacking. (well, Lakshmi gets points for posting her music. that's always a treat. the rest of you, however, tsk tsk.)

The past few have been intense. I feel as though I could talk for days. I could describe everything over and over and over and over. it still wouldn't seem real. The scope of my life experiences has been small. I hardly feel like myself right now-- there are suddenly new planes in my field of vision.

and now i just want to be tired and alone. to process things. but I can't quite yet. I have a lot of obligations on my plate right now. I want someone strong and old to pat my head and tell me it's OK to take a nap now.

I didn't think this was very funny--ok, a little--but i figured it was too good not to share with the rest of the mafia. Especially the liberal side

favorite story of the day:
BEIJING (Reuters) - A Chinese peasant woman who suffered a brain haemorrhage was left at the undertakers alive for cremation because her family could no longer afford hospital treatment, state media said Friday.

She was only saved by the tears in her eyes.

The case is the latest in a series of tragedies illustrating China's stretched health care system and the inability of rural workers to meet spiraling medical costs.

You Guoying, a 47-year-old migrant worker from southwestern Sichuan province, was taken for cremation by her husband and children in Taizhou, eastern Zhejiang province, where she worked, the China Youth Daily said.

Fortunately for You, the undertaker realized she was still alive when he saw her move and tears in her eyes, the newspaper said. "This is not only a tragedy for the family, but also for society," it quoted Xu Yinghe, a Taizhou official, as saying. "The fundamental reason is the absence of a social welfare system."

You was taken back to hospital for further treatment with money donated by sympathetic citizens of prosperous Zhejiang, the newspaper said.

"Three days of treatment cost us more than 10,000 yuan," it quoted her daughter as saying, adding that was the sum of the family's life savings. "If there had been another option, who would have the heart to send a member of their own family for cremation while there was still a hope of survival?"

The newspaper did not say if the family would face charges.


And speaking of weeping undead corpses, Christina Aguilera got married


The Golden Girls DVD is out! Finally, something to do over thanksgiving weekend!

1. What was the first car your family had?
a gray Dodge Aires we called "the silver bullet"

2. What was the name of your first pet and why?
Daisy was the little mutt we had. She was a cute little yapper.

3. How did your first pet die?
Put to sleep while I was in college.

4. What was the name of your elementary school?
St. Thomas Aquinas

5. Who was your first best friend?
Amber R.

6. Are you still friends today, and if not, what happened?
I last saw her about a year ago and talked to her a few months ago when someone we knew from middle school was murdered. She grew up to be brilliant, funny and great. (I know how to pick 'em.)

7. What was your favorite board game?
none stand out from when I was a little kid. I liked risk, scattergories and balderdash in middle/ high school.

8. Did you play house or other make believe games?:
Most of the make-believe games we played as kids involved some kind of action-adventure: ie dog sledding through alaska or being spies.

9. Were you a Dungeons and Dragons geek?
No.

10. Did you sleep with stuffed animals as a kid?
Yes. Now I sometimes sleep with Bosley a stuffed dog with thinning hair and a pot belly.

12. Who was the first person you looked up to when you were younger?
when we were really little my sister and I had a summer-fun track and field instructor who was wicked cool. I can't remember her name, but I do remember that she had awesome neon running tights and wore her hair in a fluffy side ponytail.

13. Who was your favorite relative?
It was always fun when my mom's sister and her kids visited us in NY or we visited them in Florida.

14. Were you short or tall in elementary school?:
Way short.

15. Were you teased in school?
Sometimes. I was mostly OK though.

16. What was the name of your favorite teacher?
Mr. Lurenz in 7th grade was great—totally calm and nice even though we were rambunctious and crazy, I'm sure. Mrs. Carucci in 4th grade was nutty in a good way.

17. What was the name of your least favorite teacher?
Mrs. WIlliamson. She did nothing wrong other than accuse me of forging my mothers' signature twice! (both of them were real.)

18. What was your best subject in school?
Reading.

19. What was your worst subject in school?
I guess art.

20. Did you do well in Physical Education?
not particularly.

21. Were you clumsy when you were younger?
I was way into dance and stuff so I guess I was pretty coordinated.

22. Who was your favorite band as a kid?:
Gosh, I don't know. I remember LOVING the song "two princes" when I was in 6th grade.

23. What was your favorite movie as a kid?
??

24. Did your parents read to you?
I'm sure they did, but I don't remember.

25. Did you have a favorite book?
The Witches by Roald Dahl.

26. What was your favorite restaurant as a kid?
McDonalds (in many respects, it remains my favorite.)

27. On what TV or movie star did you have a crush?:
Chris O'Donnell was my first bona fide celebrity crush.

28. Do you now wonder what you were thinking?
I guess he's still OK

29. Who was your first crush in school?
Robbie G. (saw him a few years ago. he worked at a record store and was totally cool.)

30. As a child, what kind of car did you want when you grew up?
umm. I liked the dodge neon when it first came out.

31. Did your parents spank you?
Nope.

32. Did your parents fight a lot when you were a kid?
I'm starting to realize that yes, by most people's standards, they did. However, we didn;t see it that way; we're just loud people who tend to yell.

33. Did your parents get divorced or stay married?
still married

34. If they got divorced, how old were you when it happened?
N/A

35. Did you ever run away from home?
nope.

36. How old were you when/if you first got glasses?
6 (it's been downhill ever since!)

37. Did you need braces or a retainer?
nope.

38. If you're male, how old were you when you had your first wet dream?

n/a

49. Both sexes when did you start shaving?

13

50. Girls when did you start wearing a bra?

12. (mostly for fashion rather than actual need).

51. What was your first kiss like?
really, really sweet and totally perfect.

52. What did you do on your first date?
went to the movies on a double date.

53. How old were you when you first drank?
16.

54. How old were you when you first tried drugs?
17.

I was going to put some italicized lyrics here - just a few words, nothing too obnoxious - but the ancient Apple I'm working on is resisting my non-html attempts to do so. MagicNumbers lyrics. I like them. They seem very calm. I am not. And for some reason, SwissArmyRomance was in the MagicNumbers case. Not anymore.

When I was in the foodhall of Jenners department store last week, I found vacuum-packed cocktail haggises!! Merry Christmas Grandma!

I'm very very very tired. And I've just been to the doctor and she tested my pee for sugar and there wasn't any, so I'm not diabetic...yet. Just tired. I prefer private healthcare, but can't afford it until I get a good job. *sigh* At least my surgeries here are free. I suppose that's a pretty decent consolation. A better consolation right now would be a proper night's sleep and my right-lower-eyelid not twitching anymore (it's been going for days).

I need one more RotaryClub to *let* me speak at its meeting...you'd think it would be easy to schedule something basic like that, but NO! I've been trying to schedule 8 - just 8 - presentations since JULY and am STILL one club short...because the big important men in charge of scheduling the speakers can't be bothered to write me a fucking one-line, yes or no email. And then one club cancelled, and suddenly - I'm a presentation short.

This is causing me undue stress, because I'm under contract to make at least 8 presentations when I'm home this December!!! But how can I fulfill my contract obligations if all of my reasonable attempts to schedule the presentations are thwarted by fat, rude, lazy men who won't respond to my emails??? If I contact multiple persons in a club multiple times for four months and every attempt at contact is ignored, is it really my fault that I'm unable to schedule a presentation with the club?!? Next week, I'm getting a phonecard and I'm going to start calling them...over and over and over again until SOMEONE gives me an answer.

From this desk, I can see out the window to the mountains, which look lovely this morning all covered in sunlight and pretty blue sky. It's wicked cold and windy outside today, so better to enjoy the beauty of the sky and the mountains and the sunlight from inside.

I can't say I'm not disappointed that we've gone back down to an average of 80 hits a day after our heady victory being linked by newsweek a few weeks ago. I kind of miss seeing the huge numbers-200, 300 a day. I mean, for a personal blog where no one blogs about the sex they're having or the bosses they hate, a 250 hit a day record means something, you know? I guess we get what's coming to us by letting the blog go fallow for a month. I'm working on bringing those numbers up again--I'm that egomanical.

In a toast to the egotastic, here's a survey I stole from conci nelson via myspace:

Childhood trauma survey

1. What was the first car your family had? We had so many junked out lemons I can't remember. I have a faint recollection of a rust-orange mustang. I used to cry when mom drove it because the stuffing had come out of the seats and I hated the feeling of the foam. Also, I was embarrassed.
2. What was the name of your first pet and why? I had some goldfish I won at school, which died two weeks later. I never got around to naming it. Dad assured me I'd only have to change the water every two weeks. Boy was he wrong.
4. What was the name of your elementary school? I went to several. My first was Manzanita, in Tucson.
5. Who was your first best friend? I can't remember her name. Stephanie I think. Her last name was Simpson, I remember that. She was a biotch, and I was a wannabe, so it worked out nicely. She always wore her hair in one big side ponytail.
6. Are you still friends today, and if not, what happened? No. I never stayed in a school area for more than a year or two.
7. What was your favorite board game? "Sorry" and "Bazaar"
8. Did you play house or other make believe games? Sure. I had elaborate fantasy worlds constructed for the benefit of my My Little Pony collection
9. Were you a Dungeons and Dragons geek? No. Not a big fan of fantasy
10. Did you sleep with stuffed animals as a kid? Yes. I don't think I stopped until college. I've very nostalgic.
11. Do you still sleep with stuffed animals? No.
12. Who was the first person you looked up to when you were younger? I don't remember looking up to anyone. As pretentious as this sounds, even from an early age I realized people were fallible. It wasn't until I grew up that I realized how much character it takes to be fallible, recognize it, but still hold yourself to a higher standard.
13. Who was your favorite relative? My grandma Jones. My Aunt Marlene.
14. Were you short or tall in elementary school? Always tall
15. Were you teased in school? It came and went. Some years I was astronomically popular. Some years I was a climber, others a bully. Some years I was teased. Every new school was a new opportunity for reinvention. Towards the end, when gave up on ever winning social approval, that's when the teasing was the worst. Most recently, I've had a tendency to polarize people's opinions of me, pushing them into black or white areas of reaction.
16. What was the name of your favorite teacher? Mrs. Cunningham.
17. What was the name of your least favorite teacher? MS. Struthers
18. What was your best subject in school? English
19. What was your worst subject in school? Chemistry, though for no fault of my own. My teacher went crazy and had to be replaced mid year
20. Did you do well in Physical Education? When I wanted to. Mostly I didn't want to.
21. Were you clumsy when you were younger? No, but I wasn't graceful either
22. Who was your favorite band as a kid? Madonna, Bon Jovi
23. What was your favorite movie as a kid? "The Richest Cat in the World" and "Smoky Mountain Christmas"
24. Did your parents read to you? Sure
25. Did you have a favorite book? "Starring Sally J. Freedman as Herself"
26. What was your favorite restaurant as a kid? We didn't really eat out so... Roy Rogers?
27. On what TV or movie star did you have a crush? Oh gosh, David Bowie in "Labyrinth" who else?
28. Do you now wonder what you were thinking? Nope. Still appealingly homoerotic and confidently sexy in tight pants
29. Who was your first crush in school? Conrad, the boy next door when I was in first grade. He was 12, I was 8. It ended with me in a closet naked ontop of him. I'm not really sure what that was about, but he told me it was ok. It wasn't until much later that I realized, "Hey wait a minute--a preteen boy shouldn't be luring naked little girls into closets"
30. As a child, what kind of car did you want when you grew up? a convertible
31. Did your parents spank you? They hit me until I was about 6, then stopped abruptly. I don't think I'm worse for wear, though
32. Did your parents fight a lot when you were a kid? Still do
33. Did your parents get divorced or stay married? still married
34. If they got divorced, how old were you when it happened?
35. Did you ever run away from home? Yes, but it was like, a 5 minute thing. I couldn't think of where to go
36. How old were you when/if you first got glasses? 10, 11
37. Did you need braces or a retainer? no
38. How old were you when you had your first wet dream? 18
49. When did you start shaving? 16
50. When did you start wearing a bra? 9 (yeah, it was pretty horrible)
51. What was your first kiss like? My first proper, on lips kiss? I had just barely turned 20. It was pretty hot, and everything i wanted. I had actually been naked with a boy before I had kissed one, oddly enough. My first non-lipped kiss was with this jewish kid named jason who I had a huge crush on when I was 11--mostly because i thought he had a crush on me.
52. What did you do on your first date? a Lewis Black/David Cross standup show. The show was great, but the guy I was with was so intimidated to see me dressed up I didn't even get kissed afterwards
53. How old were you when you first drank? Never have
54. Where was your first house? That we hadn't rented? The house I'm in now, in Dallas

The breakdown:
1) The jessica simpson/ nick lachey fiasco-end it already
2) the french riots--expectedly annoying
3) thanksgiving-you've gained weight since last year. What are you doing with your life? when I was your age, I had 3 kids and a mortgage
4) New Harry Potter movie--the only thing to come out of hollywood that hasn't disappointed me this year
5) mp3 player/broadband video/ video game/camera/phones--5X the hassle when you lose them on the bus
6) water-still gross
7) brittany murphy losing her ICM contract after having sex with a caterer in the stairwell at an industry bar mitvah--who loves a double standard?
8) tom cruise alienation syndrome--inevitable
9) sarah silverman's "jesus is magic"--the second thing to come out of hollywood that hasn't disappointed me this year
10) hating on republicans--instant indie rock cred

Look, just because I post like 30,000 pages of stuff doesn't excuse anyone from not posting all weekend, no matter ho completely awesome your band is.

Actually, I just wanted to yell at someone. You guys are fine.

Best part of the weekend? Having my father accuse me of a "slow, gradual slide into liberalness" because I thought the Economist was a "middle of the road" publication rather than the left-leaning tom my father thinks it is. Dad has long since viewed any criticsm of the republican party as open war, at least from me, and I'm not sure whether this is because he's worry I've defected to liberalism (ha!) or that I'm on the precipice of sexuality, waiting to declare my alliegance to the lesbians any day now.(you caught me!)

I don't know why I found the following item (thesuperficial.com) so funny. Maybe because it sounds exactly like something I would write:
Michael Jackson caused a commotion in the United Arab Emirates when he entered the ladies bathroom at a shopping mall. At least it wasn't the children's bathroom! Get it? Because he molests children. {AP}

Oh, i also updated MMM if you're bored while I'm gone

Ps...adele, the colors look good. I'm digging it.

Interesting family developments:

1. We have rats. I found one dead by the garage door yesterday, one was found in the back yard, one in the front. It is entirely possible that they are coming up from the sewer, as our house is right above the gutter, and very near a big sewer pipe, but I am still terrified they are in our attic. Or worse still, the garage.
2. Jordan is finally manifesting symptoms of PTSD. After mom went to jail, she was fine for a few months, but since things have started getting back to normal, her behavior has been becoming more and more erratic. She has reoccurring nightmares that mom will be taken away while Jordan is at school. She has insomnia, and she gets herself ill at school so she can come home to make sure mom hasn’t been taken away. We got her a cell phone so she can call mom whenever she is panicked, and we called my aunt, one of the top child psychiatrists in the country, who recommended a small amount of Zoloft for a short period of time so she doesn’t do herself harm while she is in therapy. Through a combination of low dosage meds and constant talking out her feelings, Jordan is getting better. What a scary thing for a 12 year old to go through!
3. The newsletter still hasn’t been okayed. Still.
4. My great aunt took me to see “La Traviata” last weekend, and I cried during the final act, which was thrilling, as I thought I had lost all sensitivity to the sublime and cultured.
5. I’m going to San Francisco for the weekend. Dad was given 4 sets of $1000 tickets to the Stanford/Berkeley game this weekend, so dad, mom, Margaret and I are flying out. I’ve been bitter towards Stanford ever since it rejected me (twice!), but I need a change of scenery, and I haven’t been to San Francisco in ages, so I hope it’s fun
   Since I’m going to be gone, I figured I should probably catch up on my Halloween, and other bits and bobs about my life that are not celebrity-news-related, so when I get back I won’t have an avalanche of writing to do.

Halloween was good. Plain, but good. Somehow, someway, on Sunday night I got roped into going out to a club with Laura. I say “roped in” not because I didn’t want to go out with Laura, but I have very strong feelings about going out on Sunday. But it was one of those things where I had misunderstood the day and by the time we had cleared things up she had already spent a considerable amount on a costume, so I figured it would be more unchristian to spurn a friend than to go out on the Sabbath, so I made an exception.

Sadly, I don’t have any photos from the event, as Laura has expressed a good deal of aversion to my photoblogging tendancies. I can however say that I went as a Brahman princess, and my costume looked something like this:

only in green and silver silk. Allie had bought Margaret and me two saris back from India, so I decided to make the most and wear both of them, one Sunday, one Monday. I painted my skin gold, eyebrows black, and dripped with all the gold and bangles I could find. I didn’t have the red stripe though—that was an addition I added on Monday night. I’m not sure the red line is even accurate or appropriate, but all the kids thought I was a real Indian hostess, instead of a white girl in an Indian costume, so I had to vamp it up a bit. Laura went as Mozart, in black pants and heels, a ruffled blouse velvet jacket and painted wig. We decided to hit up the Lizard Lounge, since Sunday is the church (they’re goth night), and as everyone knows, goths + Halloween = amazing.

The church was far and away the best goth experience I’ve had—better than Neo’s on Valentine’s day. I’m not sure if it was so good because it was the Halloween bash, or because the scene is better here than in Chicago, but everyone was gorgeous. The club was sprawling—one room was your typical top 40-popish mix, which led to an outdoor, two floor, smoking balcony overlooking the freeway and Deep Ellum (which seems to have become a ghost town since the rock and gay scenes moved north). Then there was the Chapel: a huge dance floor with a large balcony and two large, sweeping staircases that led from the ground floor to the Mezzanine, on which were various small tables and red velvet chairs. On each staircase, half-way up, there was a stripper pole on a small rest, where crowd members would take turns dancing. In the middle of the staircases was another staircase that led towards a small parapet, above which was a 10 foot tall stain glass window. On either side were video screens with various horror movies playing. Sadly, the music in here was euro-techno/house, which Laura didn’t like, so we didn’t get to spend as much time in there as I would have wanted.

Continuing the addition theme, goth clubs + mary = hormonal. There’s really no way of getting around this. I used to think that my increased sex drive at Neo’s had to do with dancing so closely to a my eyelinered, black-wearing Mark. And while Mark was a sex god in the goth clubs—that’s no lie—it seems that without him, I still turn into a sexual predator the moment I step into those clubs. When you see Goths in the street, it seems as if they’re insecure or trying to hard (at least some). In a club though, everyone’s appropriate and in their element, so all you concentrate on is the glorious, glorious clothes hair makeup dancing. I feel completely and totally in control and powerful, I feel as if I belong, it’s marvelous. But mostly, I want to have sex. With everybody. And it doesn’t help that Halloween is “slut day” for every woman and gay man in the northern hemisphere. Now while I have issues with the Slut Day philosophy, it doesn’t stop me from ogling every chiseled gay man who’s half naked and moving like a snake or every insecure woman walking around in a corset, underwear, and 6 inch heels. Everyone is beautiful, everyone perfect, and it’s hard to snap out of it.

What surprised me the most about the whole experience was Laura’s dancing. When we were together in high school, she wouldn’t have been caught dead on the dance floor; but now, she dragged me out, and not only was she dancing, she was dancing well—very loose, unafraid, completely into it without being spastic. She was a brilliantly fun dancer. I was having a tough time dancing with the sari, but overall, it was a blast. Afterwards, we hit up Café Brazil, which was full of similarly buzzed goth kids who had left the lizard lounge, with smeared white makeup and listless gauze wings.

We got home around 3 and were up at 645 Monday morning to take the kids to school. Went to IHOP, and chilled out, told college stories, and then Laura (bravely) drove the 2 hour drive back to Emery. I collapsed on the bed and slept/watched BBCa the whole day. Margaret sent me photos of one of her friend’s pumpkins, which he had dubbed “downs syndrome pumpkin.” We debated to decide how truly tasteless this was, and decided that it was horrible if he had the explicit purpose of creating a mentally challenged pumpkin, but less offensive if that was simply a slapped on monikor to describe an otherwise very poorly executed pumpkin.

Bonnie and alan came over around 7 to help me take the kids for a walk around the neighborhood. Bonnie went with a scary goth Raggedy Anne (adorable!), and Alan favored the John Wayne Gacy/ Killer Clown look, which succeeded in freaking the whole family out.

Our walk around the neighborhood turned into a bout of racial tension when Zachary, as he does when he gets excited, started saying whatever he was thinking without filter. It just so happens that we had a beautiful black girl with us and her 14 year old white sister, both of whom had been the victims of abuse and ridicule at school because of their family arrangement (welcome to Texas, ladies and gentlemen).

So right away, these girls were very sensitive, since they get picked on so often. Then Zach started saying things like:
--I’ll bet this house has Korean people. Or Japanese people. (in response to a white minimalist house with large circular neon circle over door which reminded him of the Korean/Japanese flags)
--Why do Asian people have brown hair?
--Why do Asian people have eyes that looked squished sometimes?
Now we are all aware that there is a time in our development as individuals where we realize hey wait, boy girl, black white, people are different. Zach is at that age, and very curious about why people are different. However, when you live in a state where people make fun of differences, you tend to get sensitive, and so one of the little girls turned to me and informed me “your brother is a racist.” And then I had to pull Zach aside and give him that dreaded, horrible talk.
“Sometime, in public, it’s best to keep questions about people’s appearances to yourself, and ask me or another adult privately.”
I hate asking kids to stop asking questions. I try never to lie to kids, even if it means having to break down something complicated (try explaining what ‘do me’ means to a 7-year-old.)
But all in all the night went well, and I had fun walking around with Bonnie and Alan, and the kids were generally pretty adorable. I wish I hadn’t been so exhausted though—I was practically falling asleep on the table at 9.

And last Sunday I went with my great aunt jean to see “La Traviata,” her treat. The tickets were the best I’ve ever had at an opera—floor, first row behind the orchestra seating. I drove down on a bus with some 50 senior citizens, and spent the whole time talking with Jean about relatives, her life in the 40’s, and the perils of being a tall, single woman. I can’t rave enough about Aunt Jean. She is everything I want to be when I get older—self reliant, strong, opinionated, kind, cultured, bawdy, masculine, with a wardrobe full of vintage Chanel and Dior. What other 80-year-old would say, “I remember once, some girlfriends and I went to a burlesque show. Ah, what a riot. It was a great time—I laughed the whole night. Not to be missed.”

I found it ironic that the opera was entitled “the fallen woman,” and during intermission, some man behind me fell when he missed his seat, and production was delayed 30 minutes as EMS had to wheel him out. Sad yes, but also a bit funny.

The lead in la Traviata was played by Brenda Harris, a soprano who looked almost eerily similar to Brenda Roberts—the flowing blonde hair, the round kind face, the pointed chin. I don’t think Mark’s mom every performed a Verdi opera—I could be wrong—but Violetta seemed like a role she would have loved. And I have a feeling Brenda Roberts would have done a much better job with the acting in scene IV than Harris, who seemed a little all over the place. But that may have been the stage director’s fault. Not sure.

A quick defense of “Elizabethtown” and “Pride & Prejudice”
I hate Orlando Bloom and Kristin Dunst. I will never like them. He, because he looks like a dog, she, because she looks like a drunk. I also dislike Cameron Crowe (too whiney). That said, I loved “Elizabethtown.” I’d say it is the best Hollywood, non-children movie I have seen in the last 6 months, or at least top 3. Now, I don’t think it’s perfect. It’s disjointed, the script is heavy handed in places, the acting bogs at some crucial points, and there is an annoying and cloying scene with Susan Sarandon and a microphone which I won’t get into. But overall, it’s great. It is the most accurate picture of a normal American family and a normal American town I have ever seen—it’s consistently, intelligently funny, and there are all sorts of small details and subplots (like the wedding going on in Orlando’s hotel) that are surprisingly hysterical. It’s just lovely, and I was a bit disappointed that word of mouth didn’t spread this movie around quickly. I saw it twice, and even cried in parts. Crying in an Orlando bloom movie! The lowest of the low!

The second movie I adored much to my own amazement was Kiera Knightly’s Pride and Prejudice. You must understand how monumental it is that I overcame my irrational dislike of Kiera and everything she does and embraced a movie that would dare to remake a movie that A&E completed with astonishing perfection. But no, this PP is absolutely adorable, and if I may say, is probably the best two-hour version out there (I’ve seen them ALL—even the rip offs like Bride and Prejudice and the Mormon Pride and Prejudice). What I like first and foremost is the authenticity—everything about it feels and looks exactly the way everything in real life would have been. It isn’t a Hollywoodized glamour period piece—no one has makeup, so skin is ruddy and uneven, hair is frizzy, women are plain, men are plain, roads are muddy, it’s gray, dogs wander the hallway. I love it that the dialogue is so natural, people interrupting and speaking at the same time or too fast or blurting things out. The landscapes are gorgeous, and the chemistry between Elizabeth and D’arcy is unfathomable. Loved loved loved it. So go see it, because it’s worth the money. I’m so glad summer’s over and decent movies are back in the theatres. It was getting desperate. And tomorrow—Harry Potter!

Either way, October/November have been busy. My family situation is back on track; money is still tight, but dad’s business is riotously successful, which is nice. I think a lot of us are like Jordan, in a state of PTSD, still numb and unable to cope. I know I feel emotionally dead, and have trouble motivating myself to answer the phone. But this is a normal part of the ebb and flow of things, and it will pass soon enough.

what do you all think of the blue/ navy/ pink scheme? ugly? too cheerful?

I am going to do a completely new design for the site this weekend sometime really soon. One more goal on my neverending list of to-dos. (the catatonics site is also due for a makeover of epic proportions.)

Looking hip and nonchalent has never been so easy

why does my life take up so much of my time??
arrrrrrr!!!!!

Finished:
>prepared for thursday presentation
>1/2 of freelance. (though I took on another project today, so I'm equally swamped.)

To do tonight:
>more freelance
>prepare oral argument

I am definitely insane.

This is what my week looks like, approximately.

Monday:
8:30a.m.-5p.m.: work
12:30-lunch with lawyers
6-9: class
9:30-crash: prepare for moot court auditions, prepare thursday presentation, study for thursday exam, write freelance

Tuesday: MUST REMEMBER TO WEAR SUIT
8:30a.m.-5p.m.: work
5:45: audition for moot court team
7-9:30: catatonics practice
10-crash: finish freelance! study!

Wednesday:
8:30a.m.-5p.m.: work
Deadline for freelance writing
6-9: class
9:30-crash: study!

Thursday:
8:30a.m.-5p.m.: work
6p.m.-8p.m.: class-- make presentation
8p.m.-9p.m.: midterm exam

Friday:
8:30a.m.-5p.m.: work
5:30-drive to burbs to be with cute boyfriend for the few hours for which I will be able to stay awake.


This is not an unusual week for me. Actually, the only extras on this particular schedule are the moot court tryouts and the exam. But if it wasn't those, it'd be something else. Sometimes, I just need to visualize this so I can remember exactly how much I'm doing (or trying to do.) And I need to remind myself that I have to put the pedal to the floor for the rest of the semester to pull together good grades, keep up the power at work, make awesome music happen as much as possible, and be a sane person and friend to the people who are so good to me.

work is pretty much the only thing I'm not half-assing right now. Because, well, I get paid to be there. But there are other things I should be asking of myself: I want to play more guitar (lots and lots more). I want to be prepared for every class. I want to get excellent grades. I want to keep a cleaner apartment. I want to be more available to my friends.

Everything is hitting at once for a continuous 15 week period.

And then of course, I get it in my head that it's a good idea to do all of this and keep up fairly serious boozing schedule.

Bottom line of these extremely overtired ramblings is: FUCK man, I need to lay off the booze and cigarettes and web surfing and bars. I need to focus on what I actually want for myself-- which is nothing outlandish or huge: just to work as hard as I am capable of working, and to reap the fruits of that work in a few key areas. It's not so hard, is it?

yow.
God is seven.
These are ridiculous times. I have a tremendous compulsion to say things I shouldn't. (Laks, you did not see the half of it, and I hope you still love me.)

I am 40% Emo.

Hmm.. I should stop listening to Dashboard Confessional.... enough said... Now that I stopped looking at my shoes, I know how the real world looks.

Take the
Emo Test
@ FualiDotCom

Time Wasters
Apparently, any criticism of any aspect of Scientology is the result of people willfully hating humanity. Who knew?[radaronline]
Look, I don't want to speak badly about Bush, but 1.05 TRILLION? Boy, money don't grow on trees. The American people haven't been working to put food on the table so you could joyride until 3am with Tony Blair. Now go and make us a sandwich. [CNS]
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Jada Pinkett Smith! Stop stop stop. Have that piece of pie and put down that ab wheel.
[socialitelife]
You're not fooling anyone young lady....you...eh...awww, look at those glasses. I can't stay mad at you. C'mere, Twiglet [hollywoodrag]
I hope she has a GREAT personality [perezhilton]

A few days ago, I started a profile on myspace so that I might be able to stalk Jason Mulgrew more effectivly, as well as bother Julia and The and everyone else addicted the facescenebookster lifestyle. I made the mistake of putting this photo up:

I'm not going to lie. It's a hot picture. Weird, alien, perhaps even death-mask-ish, but pretty alluring in that cleavage,bodice-ripping, come-hither way. I put it up as sort of an hommage to Mary South, who used this as a digital print for a photography class. As you can probably tell by my friendster and facebook pages, I'm not really going about trying to lure men in through sexy photos. Which is why, when Barry here invited me to be his friend, I vomited in my mouth


Barry is not the first to try lecherous tactics on me. Observe 2 other contenders who sent me messages after I had been on for less than 2 hours:
TODD

Todd writes:
hey i liked your pic and profile and was wondering if u had messenger at all like yahoo or aim?

Now I'm thinking--wow, he has a girl on his arm. He must be so adorable and non-threatening! Why yes Todd, i have an IM name u can use. t2ul8r!

VIC

Vic sent me a letter a few minutes after Todd. His pictures has the caption--Tall Dark Handsome Hunk ..Down To Earth!
He writes:
Hey There,
I liked your profile. Do you want to be friends? get to know more about each other? Lets talk on yahoo or msn? may be we can chat there(Messanger) or talk on email ? My Ids are VIKAS_J1@yahoo.com or VIKAS_23@hotmail.com
mail me back soon.
Lov
Vic

What I like about Vic is, not only is he a tall dark and handsome hunk, but at least he pretended like he wanted something deeper--he liked my profile, you see, not my picture. What's funny about this is that, in fact, I had only had an account for an hour--I hadn't even put up anything other than Mary, Northwestern, 24, photo. But Vic, baby, isn't it a little soon for lov? shouldn't we be in luv first? This is moving so fast!

Who knew so many good guys were looking for love! I should engage in cybersex and/or random hookups with those in my area as a way of saying thanks for being such sweet, attentive gentlemen!

Morning Time Waste:
Yes, I am quietly judging you. [gawker.com]
It's a good thing we vote in bloc--otherwise, you know, we might have to think an issue through [What About the Plastic Animals?]
I thought number 5 should be higher.[radaronline]
These things look good on no one, Helen. [socialitelife]
I do not seek this sort of thing out, I swear. Oh Prince Charles, indeed, you are a delight. [world of wonder, nsfw]
Paris Hilton is hanging out with Talan from Laguna Beach? Girl must be seriously slipping on the celebrity ladder. I chalk it up to that lazy eye of hers [perezhilton]
Line up for new peaches album [nme]
I want you all to know that I saved you from pictured of colin ferrell splitting his pants AND p diddy dry humping some chick in a club. And which of you says I have no discretion?

Unfortunately smaller than I would have liked, here are still two examples of pricey revisions maureen has made me do:

As some of you may or may not be aware, I freelance as a--wait for it--Mary Kay newsletter designer for extra cash. If left to my own devices, I can deliver a clean, precise, made to order newsletter in a day for about 75$, including manufacturing costs. My boss however, is crazy. She has a habit of calling for revisions on the most tedious and unneccessary details, her instructions are never clear, so i spend a good deal of time hunting for the 'right' article or sales tip, and she's unfocused, and tends to throw a million ideas at me. When i write about this incompetence, it seems as if I'm being dramatic. Thus, for the sake of science and posterity, here is an episilary of what I have, in part, been wasting my time doing over the last few weeks. My comments are in red. I will not feel badly if you do not make it through the whole correspondance.

September 22
From: Momo@.com
To: me@.com
Sent: Thursday, September 22, 2005 8:50 AM
Subject: Greetings from NY
Hi Mary,
Whaaazzzzzz upppppp? Been thinking of all of you. I LOVE NY!!! Things are going
extremely well...I will fill you in on details soon. Are you interested in doing the newsletter going forward? I do want to get on a very consistent schedule, and need to know if you are up for that, and how we can set a plan to keep it within the same basic timeframe every month. I don't mind sending $ down the same time every month, too. Unless you know of a way to get my debit card to work for you online...on a system.
Sending love,
Mo
A hint of her technological helplessness

October 18th
From: Momo@.com
To: me@.com
Sent: Tuesday, October 18, 2005 6:53 AM
Subject: NEWSLETTER INFO
Hi Mary,
Don't know why the following printed in twice. I'd like to show in newsletter the SCOREBOARD....We can use the one online...and I'd like to encourage the consultants to use this, by entering their weekly accomplishments, and we can then report and reward monthly in newsletter.Also, do you have access to this info independently? If not, does this help you access it...? I mean the last report I'm enclosing. Where you can access Bday's Anniversaries, etc..I'd like to set up in this newsletter, a forum where we can track monthly, how our consultants are doing with regard to MK company contests...as listed below.

I SENT YOU $100.00 YESTERDAY..with labels, and a few notes, etc. The Applause
Mag is available online thru: www.marykayintouch.com. let me know if you are able to access that. You may need my log on to get info, which is:
my consultant #....------,
and my password.....------
I will send you my monthly letter later today.
I'd like to get this newsletter out within this week if possible, and then, starting in Novemeber, I'd like to start it, the first of the month, getting it out around the 7th..or as soon as the previous month info is available. This helps bring momomentum, with consultants looking to be recognized for their recent works quicker.
When you get the labels, let's count and determine how much $ it will cost for
postage...I will send more money right away, so we can flow into the next
newsletter easily...then "stay on track", k?
I APPRECIATE YOU!...
As always, I value your feedback.
HOW IS THE NEW CENTER GOING???
LOVE TO ALL YOUR FAMILY.
her nickname--momo--comes from her own idea that she is full of momentum. thus mo momentum, or momo. her newsletter is in fact the momo express

October 21
From: momo@.com
To: me@.com
Sent: Friday, October 21, 2005 9:55 AM
Subject: NEWSLETTER
Hi Mary,
The letter will be coming TONITE!...I'm at work, and didn't get it attached...will tonite! I'm interested in beginning a "template" to continue on every month, AND, I'd like to bring forward some of the things we've been doing in the past, ie:
Toppers club
Dash for Directorship
Success Express
Plz let me know if you have anything in your computer from past newsletter for these.
Also, I'd like to continue the space where we name the Queen of all those categories. If you can't find these, I'll send you back what I can. However, I'd like to be sure and use any previous work product if possible. MK now has some excellent contests going on, which I would like to establish and track as part of our monthly efforts. you can go to www.marykayintouch.com and go in as me.
my consultant # is ######
my password is ********
There you will find Birthdays, Anniversaries, etc.
FOR SURE WE WANT TO MAKE THE COVER GIRLS OUR STAR CONSULTANTS!! Quarter ending September 15th. These girls are not ontrack to be ALL QUARTER STARS...
TWO THINGS I'D LIKE TO BE SURE ABOUT IS THAT OUR FONT FOR THE COVER, AND ALL
RECOGNITION IS BOLD AND CLEAR AND SIMPLE. WE WANT THEM TO SEE THEIR NAMES ABOVE ANYTHING ELSE PLZ.
The second would be to please make the print large enough that even we middle agers (ahem) can read it clearly, without glasses....(b/c we usually can't find them!)
ON the HOMEPAGE from marykayintouch.com, you will see on the left hand side, a link for the APPLAUSE magazines. Feel free to check the last 3 months, ONLY IF YOU NEED TO RESEARCH SOMETHING about a contest which is currently going on in the current month. As fillers, if we need them, we can use some graphics from the current month, for Holiday products.
Thanx, Dear Mary,
xo
Momo
Notice the arbitrary capitalization and the second inclusion of her log in information. Mo frequently forgets what she has sent me or what she has instructed me to do.

From: Momo@.com
To: me@.com
Sent: Friday, October 21, 2005 9:27 PM
Subject: My letter for Newsletter
Hi Mary,
Here is the quick version [of my letter for the newsletter]! Plz let me see the format before you head towards your final, k? Thanx a bunch.
xo
Mo.

October 22nd
Mary Jones to Momo
SUBJECT: RE: My letter for newsletter
two questions--
the november calander is pretty huge. Is there an area you'd like to concentrate on, like a few contests or a few important dates, so we could streamline it? And also, what is your NY address? The one on Albertson?
love m[ary]
The original calander mo wanted me to use--over on the marykay site--were in fact so detailed and vast it would have taken 3 pages of her 12 page newsletter. She could never decide which version she wanted, so we ended up stealing from a rival newsletter. Much of her newsletter is in fact, stolen without credit.

From: momo@.com
To: me@.com
Sent: Saturday, October 22, 2005 4:00 PM
Subject: Re: My letter for Newsletter
Hi Mary,
My address is:
-- Albertson Pkwy
------, New York -----
The priorities for every newsletter are:
1. Star Consultant Recognition
2. Queens of Wholesale, Retail sales, Recruiting, Classes Held, Interviews Held, Reorders +
3. Birthday's Anniversaries
4. MK company contests..(plz see applause magazine for this,and see my software on
www.marykayintouch.com
5. Seasonal sales tips...this month,my ideas about Holiday...let me know what u have more
6. Toppers club or Dash for Director ship..what do you think/feel/have about these two
Plz let me know if this helps, k?
Love,
M.[aureen]
These priorities she has listed have nothing, in fact, to do with the calander. This is a fairly typical reaction to my suggestions--she doesn't really read them, but answers based on a few key words she gleaned from skimming it

Mary Jones to momo
Subject: ???
for page numer 4, you've written "Go for superstardom--insert" Front and Back? right after order form.
I have no idea what this means! =) I looked in both the october/november intouch and applause mags, and couldn't find any go for superstardom inserts, or any order forms. What do you want? How do I find it?
Love M
This email is based on a note she sent me in the mail. I have no idea, to this day, what she was thinking of.

October 23
Mary Jones to momo
SUBJECT: October newsletter
Here is your rough draft newsletter. let me know what to add/fix so we ca get it out tomorrow.
Love Mary
I will post drafts of certain pages at some point. It's quite hilarious

October 24
Mary Jones to momo
mo--did the newsletter reach you? i'll need your notes so i can send it out.
love m
Since October has one more week left, I'm anxious to get this out on time. For that to happen, mo would have to have minor corrections, and perhaps one or two new inserts. Keep in mind, my template was last March's newsletter, so most of the lists and things are as they have always been

From: Momo@.com
To: me@.com
Sent: Monday, October 24, 2005 9:43 PM
Subject: NEWSLETTER
Hi Mary,
Yes, I got the NEWSLETTER, and I'm so impressed!!I LOVE THE COVER!..and lets' use that format of QUEENS ongoing. Here are some tweaks we need to make, and perhaps can use ongoing:
1. Let's put Cadillac in front of train..like it's leading. [emphasis mine. Mo insists on a banner of a train as the letterhead for the newsletter, telling everyone to climb on board the m0m0 express. She loved the new design, but instead of having her signature cadillace being pulled by the train, she wants it leading the train.]
2.I'd prefer to use the animated Cadillac ..do you have it? Know which I mean? If not..I do
3.Remember, we need to celebrate Gloria and Laurie M----, just as much for
doing the same as Valerie last Quarter...Do you have their photos too.
4.Did you see Summaries in my MK software for other consultants..or anyone?
5.Please add the Book of Mormon as my DAILY and FIRST read of EVERY DAY.... it's what I consider is THE BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS!
6. In my letter...please change that I will be calling to learn "your best dates"...and that "their
MK dreams will be REALIZED...
7.Also, that our Beloved, Sister, Senior and NOW, DRIVING CADILAC Director, Sandy
P---- has graciously said that she would LOVE to receive all of the local Dallas
Miracles with open arms. Both to her Tuesday nite meeting, AND to all of her events in town. Her training Center is quite nice, and is on M----- Rd., just behind the F------ Library, and nearby the G----- C-----. I am expecting to receive her Calendar of November events any minute. sOOOOOO: Please remove the October, "Dates to Remember", and plan to insert Sandy's calendar, k?
8. DO WE HAVE THE LIST OF THE TOP 10 CONSULTANTS FOR LAST SEMINAR YEAR ENDING, JUNE 30TH? IF SO, I'D LIKE TO GIVE THAT A PLACE..
9. How about front mailing page, which is also the other half of the back 1/2 page cover?
WE CAN MAKE OUR BACK 1/2 PAGE COVER A THANX FOR ALL THE WINNERS '05?
Also,
10. We don't need the Star Director blurb, b/c that really only affects me..not them.
HOWEVER, STAR CONSULTANT programs are huge for our unit,b/c it's all about them.
11.GREAT JOB (AGAIN!) ON how you picked up; the HOLD 30 classes deal...if possible, I'd like to even blow that up with space..so it's more important than some the other details.
12. I'd like to use some of the suggestions I sent to you for HOliday Biz.
13. VERY IMPORTANT..Who are the Queens for Summaries, etc?
14. Were you able to access the info and any summaries sent to my software?
I realize this is a lot of tweaking...however, we will be able to build on this, and consistently from now on...it will be easier!
15. GOOD JOB WELCOMING JULIANNE!. Let's add her to our front cover too, please.
...Are there others that are new since Jun 3oth?
16. PLEASE TAKE ME OUT OF THE STAR CONSUTLTANT LIST NOW, B/C I DONT' WANT TO REVEAL
HOW LITTLE I'M DOING !!
17. I LOVE THE WAY YOU PICKED UP ON THE RAZZLE DAZZLE PARTY....GREAT CHOICE!
Let's eliminate the row of visuals which say click here..tho and replace it with enlarging the script, so they can see it and memorize it DOUBLELY as fast, b/c it jumps out at them...
Thanx so much Mary!...YOU are appreciated!..
Plz let me know how this reworks..and if we now need any new stuff.
I'm wondering if you do have anything in your archives about Dash for Directorship, or the Toppers Club... I realize this will slow down the departure of this Newsletter, however, I'd rather make it more meaningful, and
call it the November Newsletter..or Oct/November...
Sending lots of love, and looking forward to working on lots of things w/you in the future,
xox
Momo
Half of these corrections and additions are incomprehensible. The online website has about 30 million different contests, and no way to search for dash for dictatorship or any such lunacy. Don't be fooled by the little "plea to make it right not fast" note at the bottom. Every newsletter we go through this insane "but wait, what about the XYZ contest" charade--nothing meaningful is added, the template must always be changed depneding on her mood for the month, just more slapdash STUFF. Also notice the pushback date until November.

October 25th
Mary Jones to Momo
Subject: RE: Newsletter
1 + 2) Sure. I don't have the cartoon cadillac you want, but i can search for a substitute.
3) Gloria and Laurie haven't sent in photos. If you'd like to email them and see if they can send me photos today, I'll paste them in. Otherwise, we'll have to use the "substitute queens"
4) I put in all the summaries this month that we put in last month. Which summaries do you think we've forgotten? Where are the summaries you'd like me to include?
9) no ideas for front page. I was going to use the new logo and a few stars. I'll add the back cover
also--do you have p-----'s calander?
love mary
As you can see, i'm getting a bit short. especially as to her question as to why Valerie has a picture and the others don't. Does she really think that I just decided not to put in their photos? Hmmm. Indeed. And is it worth the additional $40 it will cost to make sure the envelope (ie, the front page) looks good, or is it better maybe just to send it?

October 26th
From: momo@.com
To: me@.com
Sent: Wednesday, October 26, 2005 10:10 AM
Subject: Fwd: You're invited to our "As soon as I get Organized Watch My Smoke" Workshop!
Hi Mary,
Plz put this link in our Newsletter, and it would be great if you could check it every month and be sure the calendar is in there for the Dallas Miracles.
From: momo@.com
To: me@.com
Sent: Wednesday, October 26, 2005 10:12 AM
Subject: Fwd: Coast to Coast Skin Care Class
Hi Mary,
This can be included for all our consultants. I would LOVE to enlarge the blurb about doing 30 classes, EVERY month, k?
thanx so much.
(-:]
m.
[attachment on skin care seminar]
I am starting to be concerned.

October 27th
Mary Jones to momo
Subject: Re: Fwd: You're invited to our "As soon as I get Organized Watch My Smoke" Workshop!
ok, this is what i have now. Send me the final comments and then i'll print these and send them as soon as i get the final comments.
love m
I am definitly freaking out. She has included three new, arbitrary pages having to do with workshops that are happening on novemeber 15, that have to be registered for by November 5. This is work that will later have to be taken out for being dated, because there is no way mo will ok this before November 1st

November 3rd
From: Momo@.com
To: me@.com
Sent: Thursday, November 03, 2005 11:14 AM
Subject: Fwd: NEWSLETTER
Hi Mary,
I realize that you answered some of these questions, yet, in the last version I got from you, the MK Star Director stuff was still in there. THANX a bunch for staying with me on this to completion. How about going over this list one mo time, k? I have meanwhile spent some efforts to gather other photos, and summaries, to no avail. I intend to be ready tomorrow to put final touch on this, after I get your updated version with the forwarded tweaks incorporated.
Sending love,
MO
She means the huge, 15 item list she has given me a week ago. I go through it yet again, and make such life-or-death changes as moving "the book of mormon" ahead of "Von furstenburg's autobiography" on her "books i'm reading" list."

November 5th
Mary Jones to Momo
Subject: RE: Fwd: NEWSLETTER
Dear Mo--
HOPEFULLY WE CAN GET THIS DONE TODAY SO I CAN GO TO KINKOS AND COPY IT. I'VE DONE THE BEST I COULD WITH THE ONLINE CONTENT, BUT I HAVE NO ACCESS TO THE SUMMARIES (SEE COMMENTS BELOW). IF YOU HAVE ANY OTHER COMMENTS OR SEE ANYTHING THAT NEEDS FIXING, TRY AND KEEP IT SMALL. WE'VE A;READY SPENT 13 HOURS ON IT, AND WE NEED TO GET WORKING ON THE DECEMBER NEWSLETTER.
I've enclosed the newsletter, and a few notes on the comments you sent me:
1. CHECK
2. DIDN'T HAVE IT. CHECKED CLIP ART, CHECKED ONLINE, NOTHING. IF YOU WANT IT,, YOU'LL HAVE TO SEND IT TO ME.
3. AGAIN, WHEN THEY SEND PHOTOS, WE'LL CHANGE IT
4. NO IDEA. WE HAVEN'T HAD SUMMARIES IN PREVIOUS ISSUES. SAW NO SIGN OF SUMMARIES ON WEBSITES. IF YOU FIND THEM ON THE WEBSITE, SEND ME THE LINK. iF YOU CAN'T SEND ME THE LINK AND IF YOU STILL WANT TO SEND THEM TO ME, HERE ARE YOUR INSTRUCTIONS:
1) GO TO THE PLACE WHERE YOU HAVE THE SUMMARIES
2) OPEN MICROSOFT WORD
3) PRESS THE "PRINTSCREEN" BUTTON (PRTSC) NEXT TO THE F12
4) CLICK ON YOUR BLANK MICROSOFT WORD DOCUMENT
5) PRESS DOWN ON THE CTRL BUTTON AND THE V BUTTON AT THE SAME TIME
6) SAVE DOCUMENT AS 'SUMMARY'
7) SEND DOCUMENT TO ME AS AN ATTACHMENT.
5. CHECK
6. CHECK
7. CHECK
8. HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO FIND IT. I COULD LOOK FOR IT, BUT IT WOULD BE MORE TIME/MONEY THAN IT'S WORTH
9. WE CAN MAKE OUR BACK 1/2 PAGE COVER A THANX FOR ALL THE WINNERS '05? CHECK. CHECK ON PAGE 12, AND TELL ME WHAT YOU'D LIKE TO ADD
10. CHECK ON REMOVING STAR DIRECTOR, BUT WE DON'T HAVE ROOM FOR STAR CONSULTANTS, PLUS I HAD TROUBLE FINDING THE SPECIFIC PROGRAM, AS THERE ARE ABOUT 50 STAR SOMETHING-OR-OTHER PROGRAMS. IF IT'S A PRIORITY, BE MORE SPECIFIC ABOUT THE PROGRAM, AND WE'LL PUT IT IN THE DECEMBER ISSUE
11. CHECK
12. CHECK (i THINK). IF NOT, YOU'LL HAVE TO BE MORE SPECIFIC.
13. NO IDEA. IN FACT, I'VE NEVER KNOWN, AS SUMMARIES ARE NOT LISTED ON THE ONLINE MK SITE--YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME.
14. I CAN ACCESS THE INFO, BUT NOT THE SUMMARIES
15. CHECK...CHECK. NO
16. CHECK
17. CHECK, NOTHING. DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING ONLINE EITHER
I am using all caps because she responds better to all caps than to normal typography. AM utterly clueless as to the constant call for 'summaries', something which she always talked about but never seemed to put in.

November 7th:
From: Momo@.com
To: me@.com
Sent: Monday, November 07, 2005 11:58 AM
Subject: NEWSLETTER
[included are 12 attachments of new things Mo wants in the newsletter]
Hi Mary,
Thanx for all of the great feedback.
I can see we are not in the position I thought or that I'd like on Summaries...ok...Let's just advertise to send them in!...And photos, too!

throughout the NEWSLETTER, Plz advertise that this is the time of the year, that it;s smart to be a MK consultant..to get the Christmas gifts 1/2 price...also to have the best beauty products for all those folks we may only see at HOliday parties, etc...

You can make a "runner on the front page..on train track?...that now is the time to get ONTRACK with wholesale ordering!.." All aboard.............WHO DO YOU KNOW THAT WOULD LIKE WHOLESALE ORDERING TOO?

Every former consultant who comes back in by Dec 15th, will receive a special welcome back gift. Anyone on the following top 10 lists will receive a prize, if they haven't already. Specials abound for former consultants who are reinstating!....email me @ mohansen@marykay.com to get their faithful Director's individualized best tips about making their relationship with MK the BEST it can bee for them.

Okay, these lists are REALLY important and need to be on page 3, so they are VERY prominent when everyone's opening...
List 1, list 2, list 3, list 4
Plz do send me the changes as we've made herein, and we'll get it out asap...by the way...kinko's is way expensive, right? I've gotten amazing deals at Office Max. you just have to watch the paper ....I always get the cheapest which is still opaque enough to take printing on both sides.
I will look for the caddy....
xoxoxo
Mo
I appreciate you!
the addition of an "I appreciate you" is not going to change the fact that I have to, essentially, start from scratch on 80% of the newsletter. And I love the call for me to hurry so we can get this out ASAP--as if I'm the one holding up production.

Mary Jones to Momo
Subject: Re: NEWSLETTER
this is fine, but this will push the newsletter to 15/16 pages. what do you want to cut out, or do you want to keep it large?
no longer signing my name

Mary Jones to Momo
Subject: CADDY CLIP ART
my computer won't take the wps format for images. i can convert text, but it rejects the images. you may have to send the cadillac to me some other way
Mo had previously sent me a blank email with an attachment that included the specific type of animated cadillac she wanted to lead the train on her letterhead. It will not open, no matter how many different ways i try.

From: Momo@.com
To: me@.com
Subject: Re: CADDY CLIP ART
[image]
[image]
Hi Mary,
If the above whatever they are's don't open, plz see the attached flyer, in WORD, and you can cut and paste the caddy I think. Our tradition has always been to color it in pink, by the way, before we send it out...there's just no end to the fun around here, huh? About the 15 pages....yikes!...how about sending it to me as is, and I'll send it back with some pages gone???? or cut and pasted?? I do feel I need to see all before I can decide what's superflous...
thanx Mary,
mo.
The flyer does indeed have the correct cadillac. However, it costs her $5 to make the change, since i have to download it, download the banner, erase the first cadillac, and insert the new one in photoshop, then save the new image and reinsert it in the newsletter. because the format is screwy, and the banner is a jpeg, ends up being a 30min project. 5$ doesn't seem like much, but all of these revisions are adding up

November 8th:
Mary Jones to Momo
cut out what pages you don't want, and let me know. we need to send this out!
Please!

momo@.com to me
Subject: Re: Re: Newsletter
Hi Mary,
YOU are doing so great....I LOVE so much of your touch herein....Let's cut out:
-Oct schedule [what a suprise]
-Dallas only workshop ...for when I get organized....however, can you put in a brief banner with Sandy P----'s link/phone #/email...so local Dallas consultants will know there 's something they can check into... [what a suprise]
-plz cut out all graphics on the smaller gifts....but KEEEP all those great scripts... [what?]
-online skincare class is now antiquated....that's 1 or 2 pages to cut [what a suprise]
-the transmission you sent had the first 4 pages kinda melded together erroneously...will you plz resend after you make those cuts? [mo assumes that the world of cyberspace is large and scary, with things conctantly messing up in tranmission. She assumes that, because I trimmed and cut 5 pages of information onto 2 pages, that the computer must have inexplicably "squished up" the text.]
Thanx, doll.
Love to all at home.
m.

November 9th
momo@.com to me
subject: Final Touches
Hi Mary,
I LOVE the way you had the Winners banner AND especially the extra welcome to Julianne nearby it...however, I didn't see the list of top 10 for Seminar Year end ing..6/30/05...I still have it I think if you need it.;
also..
I have an idea for the back cover...I'll send it later today...it will be a contest ...challenge and prizes...for NOW ...kinda work efforts. the banner, etc., can possibly be decreased in size and put elsewhere? Plz do resend b/c pgs 1-5 were kinda schmuched together..
thanx a bunch.
mo
All of these corrections will be at least 2 additional hours

Mary Jones to momo@.com
subject: Re: Final Touches
they were smushed together, most likely, because i cut and paste them that way. we couldn't fit the whole holiday section on less than three pages without cutting and pasting, I'm afraid. Did you want that top ten seminar list on the cover?
I am at a loss as to how to reply to this email. The woman has charged up $170 worth of corrections and changes, and I still haven't included the manufacturers cost, as well as postage.

In the spirit of comraderie, if anyone has any similar stories of horror with uppermanagement, send them to capitalistmafia@gmail.com so I won't feel so lonely.

I hate myself.

I am giving everyone aids for christmas.

Thank god Mary is back. (and Anne too, though I hope you avert breakdown and emerge on the flip side happy/ healthy/ and OK).

I want to go out drinking right now, but I'm trying to curb some of my vices (and spending). A few things ... minor and related ... are conspiring to make me want to knock down the walls pretty properly. I want to spit. (Aren't you all glad I have internet in my apartment now so all of these moments have an immediate public outlet? my future self shakes her head in shame.)

This could get ugly.

AlexiaIscariot: lol. so tell me good things. whats been going on?
I3eetlebum: we gave jackie a minor grant! her movie has lesbians and dinosaurs
AlexiaIscariot: fighting or together against a common enemy?
I3eetlebum: this girl is trying to impress another girl and she knows that the girl likes exotic animals so she sends away for a mail-order dinosaur but it goes on a rampage when they try to take it to the mall and there's a rock musical in there somewhere
I3eetlebum: she's going to do the dinosaur effect with puppetry

Because I feel guilty about not updating, I'm giving you things to entertain you at work.

1) Mom jeans--the funniest SNL sketch in ages. Maybe because so many people in Texas wear them...
2) From bizarremag.com: Ask Bizarre
Q: Alan Simons, London writes: A friend told me that the urban myth about a mother microwaving her baby is actually true - it's not though, is it?
A: I can see why you're sceptical about this, it does sound like one of the more improbable urban myths, but on at least one occasion it has happened in real life. On the morning of 23 September 1999, Joseph Anthony Martinez, father of one-month-old Joseph Lewis Martinez, woke at 5.30am and found 20-year-old Elizabeth Renee Otte, Joseph Jr's mother, lying next to him in bed. He was surprised he hadn't been awoken in the night by his son as he normally was. He went to his son's cot but found it empty. After searching the house Joseph Snr asked Elizabeth if she knew where the child was but she appeared "not in her right mind", according to court evidence. She told him she had left the baby in his cot. She then had an epileptic fit. It was one of 50 she had suffered in the previous few months. The fits were caused by her not taking her medication while carrying Joseph Jr.

Joseph Snr called the police, who began searching the house with friends of the family who had also turned up to help. Eventually, Joseph Snr's younger sister and Otte's best friend, Alina Martinez, discovered Joseph Jr stuffed inside the 18in-wide microwave around 6am. He was wearing a Winnie the Pooh romper suit and was stiff and covered in blisters. Experts determined he probably died after about 10 minutes in the microwave, by which time his blood temperature would have risen to 106oF.Elizabeth told police the last time she recalled being with her son was at 1am, when feeding him. She entered an 'Alford plea' to a charge of involuntary manslaughter - which meant she didn't have a trial or have to admit guilt, but accepted there was enough evidence to convict her - and was sentenced to five years in prison.

3) Just in time to save us all: Thanksgiving: The Movie

4) Because I'm a whore for spin magazine, and I loved this chick's drunken reporting--aka trying to get a wasted carlosd to make out with her

5) Sometimes, being a celebrity is terrifying, agrees Vince Vaughn

Wait, did lakshmi cut all her hair off? cause in that photoshoot for ambrosia, it totally looks like she did. And she looks effin amazing. frick. If I come up to chicago for bfest, I am devoting an entire memory stick to lakshmi. I have glittery makeup, too.

PS--lakshmi, email me (capitalistmafia at gmail) your address. I have a letter for you

I am 42% Emo.

Hmm.. I should stop listening to Dashboard Confessional.... enough said... Now that I stopped looking at my shoes, I know how the real world looks.

Take the
Emo Test
@ FualiDotCom

I am 47% Goth.

Goth ny night, normal by day. Deep in my heart I know I am evil, but not on the company's time. I do need to eat.

Take the
Goth Test
@ FualiDotCom

I am 15% Hippie.

What? Am I a Republican? Why did I even bother taken this test?! I guess I’ll back to my George W. Bush fan club and tell them I just wasted 10 minutes of my life. At least I don’t stink, man.

Take the
Hippie Test
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I am 41% Tortured Artist.

I have some artistic ability, but it is probably a hobby and doesn't drive my life into a dark abysmal hole were I am alone and against the world.

Take the
Tortured Artist Test
@ FualiDotCom

Two things.

a) The above photo from ultragrrl is adorable and I hate myself for being swayed by the image of a kitten and a puppy cuddling on a floral bedspread.

B) The following quote from socialitelife.com
In a story sure to draw a single, lonely tear from us all, Paris Hilton's aunt Kyle Richards has revealed how the pampered socialite was bullied as a child.
“There was jealousy and being picked on and I had to go down there a few times and straighten some people out because she was definitely picked on," she said on an A&E biography. "People would hear the last name and she was always a beautiful girl and that doesn't make for making a lot of friends with girls. She always had this attitude that she didn't care what people thought but she definitely did." “

I mention this for two reasons. The first being, I have really, really started to dislike Paris Hilton. Not so much for the exhibitionism, or the partying, or the ostentatiousness, but rather because she—like many pretty girls—believes criticism towards her is levied because “people are jealous.”

I’ve been tracking the “people are jealous” philosophy for some time. What bothers me the most about it is that it seems to be that strange fourth entity that defeats rock, paper, and scissors, no matter which is thrown up. No matter how good my arguments are against a woman, if she believes that I’m jealous, nothing I say can dissuade her. And more often than not, people around her, especially men, will agree with her. When face to face with a PAJ kind of girl, I will always be jealous.

The PAJ woman is the beautiful younger sister of the “girls-just-don’t-like-me” girl and the “guys-are-just-more-fun-to-hang-out-with” girl. All three ladies believe, deep down, that women represent competition for male attention, and that male attention is more important than female attention. What’s odd about this is that these women, more often than not, claim to be empowered, they claim to be strong, they claim they are feminists. Especially the PAJ—she shows off her body for herself, not men, right? She stays thin because it makes her feel good, right? Makeup improves her self esteem, but it isn’t like she’s trying to get guys. It’s just the way she is. So why don’t women enjoy hanging out with such a beautiful, strong woman? Right—you guessed it. We’re all jealous.

My favorite part in “mean girls” is when Janis Ian gets up on the stage and says to one of the Plastics, “I used to make fun of you behind your back, and gave you footcream as a moisturizer. I can’t think of why, but it must be because I have a big LESBIAN crush on you!” I wish I could get up on a large stage and shout to all the untalented Hollywood starlets, and all those obnoxious indie-rock-scensters from college, “You’re right girls, you are perfect, I’m just hating ‘cause I’ve got a big, lesbian crush on you.”

This is something my sister Julia hasn’t yet realized. Deep down, your average guy isn’t that great. Men aren’t bad, per se—many make wonderful boyfriends (see Adele, Bonnie) but they aren’t the greatest friends. How many of my guy friends from college show a real interest in my life—writing letters and calling me every other month or so? None. It’s not they’re thing. Men are excellent hang-out friends, they’re great for music and movie recs, but they aren’t that special, and they certainly aren’t worth working for. Because when you try to look the part of temptress, or play the part as guy’s-girl, that’s what you’re doing—you’re working for attention. The idea of twisting yourself into a walking stereotype and alienating women around you in order to vie for the chance to be a locker room “I’d lay her” reference is perhaps the dumbest thing of all time.

And you know what? Women aren’t really as catty and backstabbing as men and beautiful women want us to be. The average women is pretty laid back about her place in the world. So when a women criticizes you, ladies, chances are, you’ve been acting like a fool. If anything, we're jealous that you get free stuff just for being famous

I'm on the verge of another breakdown. I can feel it, and my face is showing it. I can't get a proper night's sleep, when I do sleep my dreams are horrible, my face has exploded and I'm in a near constant state of heightened anxiety. And most of the time all I want to do is pack my bags and run. Which is odd, because November isn't a normal breakdown period for me. I ususally manage to hold myself together through the holidays, and don't start to fall apart until mid-January or so.

It probably stems from the fact that I'm actively (by my lax standards) pursuing something I know I don't want, but have to pursue because it's the only means toward achieving something I want desperately. And I'm terrified that I'll fail on both counts. And if I do fail here, I'll reluctantly move to the northwest and start pursuing similar things there. Because I don't know how to do anything else.

If only this situation gave rise to the same hilarity in real life as it did in Curb Your Enthusiasm ... then I'd have something to blog about. As it is, I am just kind of grossed out (with myself and you.) And once again, I'm considering investing in some real estate on the moon.

I am going to treat myself to some AIDS now.

I am 51% Emo.

Well.. I've made the cut! Now I'll go buy some promise rings and knit myself a sweater.

Take the
Emo Test
@ FualiDotCom

I am 39% Punk Rock.

Well, I may know what punk is, but... Okay maybe some people think I am punk, but is that enough? Nope.

Take the
Punk Rock Test
@ FualiDotCom

My greatest achievement was gaining acceptance to NU's music school as a saxophonist.

But I can't tell them that, because that doesn't allow me to demonstrate any of their official "competencies", and I have to work "commercial awareness" into one of my short essays. Why ask a question you don't want an honest answer to?

The updating thing will be explained. It has to do with a broken car, three jobs, and the Lost dvd's. But to show I still care, here's the new Kevin federline mp3 that steriogum leaked.

Britney is soooooooo lucky

I was doing cm readers a favor in not posting...my life is pretty boring right now. Boring in a good way, but not post-worthy. Daily updates from me would only ever concern the following: PwC, Ernst&Young, Deloitte, KPMG, RotaryInternational, workpermits, and the UofNottingham. That's my life right now. All of it. And I'm glad. How lovely to have three months - - free, or as free as three months of my life will ever be. Just applications, and essays and online tests and appointments and interviews and presentations. Sleep, eat, repeat. The occasional trip to the supermarket or glance in the mirror/horror at weight already gained during three free months.

To update: I'm (still) at the final stage for PwC, as of yesterday the second stage for KPMG (hooray!) and still working on the essays for Deloitte and Ernst&Young. Will have my workpermit interview in Chicago sometime in December. Probably not going to finish my Nottingham degree. Will be free from my Rotary obligations by Christmas, after making a shiteload of presentations around the suburbs. And will probably be leaving Edinburgh sometime in the Spring to travel for a few months after securing a job offer and saving some money. That's it.

I'm desperate to visit Russia properly before I'm chained to a job/career/mortgage/residency requirements/family and all that shite...would like to see the Baltic states briefly, would like to go back to Venice and take my time, need to stop by Milan to see the cathedral, Naples to see the museum with all the bits of Pompei that they've removed from the site. And take the trains all around and up and down Norway and Sweden and Finland, because the trains up there are nice enough to more or less live on for a couple of weeks. Not sure I'll bother with Spain, Portugal or southern France...it makes me seem terrible when I admit it, but honestly, I'm loathe to visit those places not only because of the men (ugh) and the summer heat, but also because touristing around those places if you live in Britain is the equivalent of lower- and middle-class Americans going to Florida or Mexico for a resort vacation and thinking that it counts as legitimate travel.

That said, there's plenty of legitimate travel to be done in Mexico, France, Spain and Portugal. And I'm keen to do some, someday, maybe. But what percentage of those who visit are there because of a legitimate interest in the culture, the history, the country itself? And the thought of visiting a "foreign" country and being surrounded by a bunch of lower- and middle-class Brits whose primary concern is locating a pub close to the hotel isn't appealling.

And I'm a hypocrite, of course. Because in any foreign environment a certain degree of what I'd deem "touristing" is at least advisable and justified, if not entirely necessary. If you're a white female, you aren't safe anywhere in the Arab world unless you're touristing (as we were in Luxor, but as tastefully as possible, no languishing around the pool all day with the other whites and moving in huge coach tour groups and tourist-trap shopping and flirting with the filthy local males who chased unescorted white females through the streets - literally) or with male friends who are natives and can look after you and escort you to non-tourist places and protect you from the advances of the male societal filth.

(Amazing that three years studying social policy at NU with a bunch of pro-welfare, bleeding-heart liberals had such little impact on me in the long-term. I admit that sometimes I'm drawn into the feel-good European welfare state mentality, but only until I next have to step around a pile of homeless filth blocking the sidewalk outside the supermarket. A pile of filth which, despite only detracting from society, is in this country entitled to the same standard of (free!) healthcare as I am. Because I pay for it. And I HATE having to pay taxes toward welfare for societal filth!)

It's the stereotypical coach tours which really annoy me. When people pay two month's salary for a little touristing package with a group of people just like them and spend their vacation doing pretty much the same things they'd do on a weekend at home, with the same sort of people, just in a different country. My dislike of the coach tour has only increased with my return to Edinburgh, as a significant portion of the city centre is at all times overrun with horrid little coach tour groups. If that's all you want from a vacation, why not spend it on your ass in a resort complex and leave the sights and streets freer for the locals and those travellers who have a legitimate interest in the area.

I'm a terrible person right now because I'm trying to wean myself off of sugar. And it sucks, and my head is killing me, and I'm tired all the time, and I need sugar most when I'm most stressed, which I am right now because of the job applications and the dissertation. But the sugar will give me diabetes and rot my teeth if I don't stop. So I'm just - stressed - with no means of stress relief. And naught but more stress to come. And that's why I don't have anything to post.

Free wireless in my apartment=increased frequency of drunken rambles on the CM! let the fun commence!

Actually, I'm sober right now, so no drunken ramble for you. Although I am slightly drunk with the power of the internet at my fingertips in my own apartment!

Now I'm going to stalk ... erm... click around googlemaps until I conk out. woot.

What is with the lack of updates? Jeez.
Mary, I'm expecting something novel-length from you ASAP.
Anne? Meet any greasy Spanish men lately? Anything, anything, anything?
Didn't anyone dress up as a sexy cat or a sexy nun or a sexy toothfairy or a sexy little red riding hood or a sexy burn victim for halloween and take pictures?