capitalist mafia.

Monday, December 10, 2001

Aristotle had a couple of very lovely ideas, I'll grant him that. Rand liked him, and I'm sure he's a swell guy. But I hate him so much. Right now, I hate most of his concepts, I hate his style, I had his empiricist nonsense, I hate him. Hate him.

It doesn't matter anyway. I will go into that final tomorrow and pull a B, just like I always do. It doesn't matter at this point how much I study. I will never fully understand this material. And, as I was telling Tom last night, lets look at this situation logically. I've made a B+ on my midterm and a B+ on my paper. Lets say I make between a C+ and an A- on this exam, worst and best case scenarios. If I make a C+, it's 50% of my grade. Its a 78, say. Then I got an average of 88 on my other two assignments. So my average is now what? 80. B-. If I get an A- on my exam, say a 90, then my average will still be a B+. So the chances that I will get an A in this class are not likely. Had I actually gone to class, I might have been able to pull of the A-, but I doubt it. So, without even getting my results back, I will put money on my final grades being:
French:B
Western Civ: A/A-
Philosophy: B+
Fiction: B+
The fiction is really bothering me, because its my major, and I was slaughtered. Maybe she'll curve. And I am really liking my last piece. But in general, one does not get A's in NU fiction courses, at least from what I understand. Though I'm sure certain people I can't stand in Willard managed to get an A in fiction because they sucked up to Donohue all last quarter. But I'm not bitter

My dad's going to kill me when he gets these grades. Maybe if I really got into the company and moved some of my inventory out of the house, he'd get off my case.

In conclusion, I hate Aristotle.

Sunday, December 09, 2001

New and improved, final draft of my story. hope its a good distraction. My only criticism is, as usual, I've put too much of myself in a story. But what parts are me and what parts are made up--I'll leave that up to you, the reader, to decide.


Imbroglio
Nero used to use Christians as torches for his dinner parties. No-it’s true. Mr. King told me, 8th grade history class. He would dip them up to their necks in pitch, tie them to stakes, and set them on fire. If they survived the dipping, then they would be burned alive. Obviously, in that eventuality, their mouths would be stuffed so they couldn’t scream. That would have ruined the ambiance of the party, and as everyone knows, a good host must safeguard against anything that might upset the mingling. That was the only thing I remember from history that year—that image of burning and burning and writhing and burning, rows of beautiful human phoenixes. That, and Mr. King’s stomach. Skinny legs, skinny arms, and then this beachball size stomach. I was fascinated, and used to dwell for hours about why his body decided to look like that.

I got a phone call in my apartment one night, after I had fallen asleep. I hate being woken up by the phone. It’s enough to make a person rip the whole appliance from the wall.
“What?”
“Saturnine!” My brother shouted at me, rather voraciously. I held the phone a few inches from my ear, “The world! It’s all water! Water and light, that’s all we are. That’s the answer. The universe is the glass. The flow, the movement, the grand scope of it all! Water!” There was a profound silence on the other end of the phone, as Imbroglio awaited my response to this marvel.
“Mmmmm.”
“Oh, and I think Radiohead’s the musical guest on Conan. Check it out.”
Click.

I always wake up with my pillow wet. Mom said it was spit, and maybe she was right. Ok, she was right. But when I was little, I used to imagine that the reason for my rather spotty memory must be that memories flowed out my ear. While I slept, drip drip drip. When I woke up, who knew what had stayed and what had leaked out during the night? My brother agreed that it wasn’t spit, but my brains—he had an excellent way of understanding the universe. Spit indeed.

It was sometime after the nocturnal phone call when Mom checked Imbroglio into some hospital or another. He hadn’t been sleeping, hadn’t been team-playing. He had violent dreams. Most disturbing of all, he had taken up religion, becoming more zealous than was proper for the comfort of neighbors and acquaintances. They made him live there, with gray pills everyday that gorked him out and white coats swirling around him like a snowstorm. I went to see him once. He looked at me with these huge, wide, ocean filled eyes and spoke very slowly and carefully. His corneas swallowed up everything, all light. I remember thinking of one of my vocab tests from high school. Luminosity.

It was hard looking at him like that—all frail and delicate, like a caged bird. He was always quiet, sure, but it was a magnetic quiet; you could see the gears and wheels of his mind when you looked into his eyes. He was a beautiful boy, really, in every sense of the word. Very pretty, very kind, funny as hell. A few months before Mom took him in for ‘evaluatation,’ I had invited him over for dinner with my then-boyfriend John. Imbroglio would tell these stories—strange, weird vignettes with no point. 10-minute long jokes with absurd punch lines. By the end of the evening, I was laughing so hard laughing I nearly threw up a piece of turkey. John looked at me, cracking up, my hands grasping onto the table to support myself through fits of laughter. When I calmed down, ha sort of half-chuckled, then said he had some errands to run and promptly left. I imagine he wasn’t used to seeing me laugh. There was an awkward silence after he shut the door, mostly due to the fact that I felt embarrassed and ashamed. Then Imbroglio reached across the table and held my hand, looking at me with smiling eyes. I usually didn’t like being touched, but I didn’t mind when he did it. I guess because I knew what he meant, and I appreciated it.

If you knew Mom and Dad, you couldn’t really blame them for what they did. Institutionalizing him and whatnot. They just had their own way of doing things, you know? Dad, for example, prided himself on being a Home Owner. Every night after work, he would go out into the back yard and talk with the other Home Owners who lived on the opposite sides of the fence. At 6:00, he would wander over to the right side of the yard, a can of RC Cola in his hand, and proceed to talk with Bob until 6:20. At 6:25, Dave would pop his head over the left side of the fence, and Dad would chat with him. At exactly 6:40, with the RC Cola finished, Dad would return to the house for dinner. I once asked him how this ritual got started. He patted my arm, “You’ll understand when you’re a Home Owner.”

Dad had a superfluous nipple and a third kidney. He had the X-Rays framed and hung in the master bedroom.
“Why’d you do that?”
“Cause it turns your mother on.” Wink wink.

Mom was a baker of casseroles; I used to think by profession, but in recent years, in my maturity, I’ve come to realize it was just a hobby. She gave them to everyone, but usually families who had just moved onto our street. She’d put on a dress, a dress, and deliver them personally, saying things like, “Hey neighbor! Welcome to the neighborhood! Just a little neighborly way of saying hello!” As a child, nothing seemed odd about this; in fact, up until I was in high school I assumed that the world was made up of fences and Tupperware, no question. In later years when I would accompany her on her housewarming excursions, I was struck by the subtle irregularities of my mother’s behavior. Specifically her egregious use of ‘neighbor’ in adjective, adverb, and noun form was vexing, but no one else seemed to mind it. People liked Mom; mostly because she made those casseroles with the macaroni and cheese, diced ham, and cornflakes on top. Everyone likes those.

Then she’d turn around and do something like naming her children these attention-grabbing, God-awful names only she found amusing. “Imbroglio! Like he’s on fire! Get it?” She would cackle. (My mother actually cackled. I’ve never met anyone before or since who could reproduce scary noises as naturally as my mother could.)

I sometimes feel that Church, at least for my parents, was a way of continuing their lives as Home Owners. Church was a meaningless habit for them; they went to keep up appearances, to a certain extent. They went because Mom liked to talk with the Andersons, who were just the most charming people, and Dad enjoyed trading stock tips and sports statistics with a group of lowbrow, tight-suited, prematurely-balding men. As for the actual Sunday services, Mom and Dad were indifferent. Maybe simply the act of going was important, another rite, like mowing the lawn every Saturday. They sat in the pews, backs straight, eyes glazed over, but they looked as if they were paying attention. I suppose they put all of their passion into other rituals, other things that brought them religion. They had no energy left for normal worship.

Church always fascinated imbroglio. He would listen in rapt attention as the meeting progressed, interested by whatever came out of the preacher’s mouth. Sometimes he would take notes, scribbling incoherently on the back of a program. I always admired him for that; his ability to understand. Me, I always knew that important things were being said, but I could never really concentrate. I would listen, and I would realize that what I was being told was in some way vital, but I couldn’t feel it. When I was younger, it was a matter of not being able to comprehend. Nothing unusual about that, really—God talks to kids in other ways than through the pulpit. As I grew up, I felt something was missing, and I found it distracting. Sure, some of the sermons were interesting, but in order for me to be intrigued by something, I have to be hit on a gut level; a connection of the mental and the emotional. I need to resonate.

Nuns have significantly higher cases of uterine cancer than normal women. There’s something about not having sex; it rots your insides out. Mom died the same year we checked Imbroglio into the hospital. Only she wasn’t a nun. You want to know what her last words to me were before she died? “There are some casseroles in the freezer, you know, for the wake. Just unwrap them and put them in the oven at 350 degrees for 30 minutes, OK?” I swear to God. I couldn’t make this kind of stuff up. I wish I could tell you something nice, like every time I see a box of Kraft I break down, but I was pretty much fine with it. I did feel kind of guilty, though—when I got home, the casseroles looked freezer burned, so I threw them out and made some sandwiches.

After the funeral, I had to visit Imbroglio and tell him the news; you know, explain the whole thing to him. He was a teenager, for heaven’s sake, he should have been able to register what was going on, but whether it was the drugs or just his decaying mind, he didn’t seem to grasp the concept. “You don’t understand, you can’t kill what was never alive,” he whispered conspiratorially. That got on my nerves, a bit—I always got annoyed when people tried to convince me that life is a series of love affairs and Carpe Diem spontaneity. Mom was weird, sure, but I felt he was being kind of harsh on her.
“What do you mean, never alive? Don’t start getting all angsty on me, Imbroglio, like she had to go out and love or whatever to really live, because that would be kind of disrespectful. And really immature.”
“That isn’t,” he breathed, “exactly what I…” he leaned forward, “meant.” So slow, so laborious. It made everything he said sound profound; striking even. “I mean, she’s just water. Her body, soul—just water and glass. Not much light. You can’t kill what was never alive.”
I just sort of nodded. There really isn’t a whole lot you can say to something like that.

My family is directly descended from the Boleyns; Dad’s side, if I remember correctly. When she was pregnant with me, Mom used to pray every night that I would be born with six fingers so she could name me Anne. It appealed to her twisted sensibility, I guess. Needless to say, I was born perfectly normal. I can’t help but feel Mom was a bit disappointed with me.

Dad died a bit after Mom—a few months, maybe. His third kidney had been producing some kind of pods; the little buggers wiggled into his bloodstream and caused baby growths throughout his bloodstream. According to the doctor, one attached to his heart, causing a cardiac arrest. I liked the doctor. He spoke very gravely, with a polished compassion that kept a nice professional distance. I tried to make my emotions equally appropriate, but I had these great mental pictures of his urinary organs giving birth to dozens of babies. Little Baby Kidneys! Then I realized my father was dead, so I checked myself just in time. One does have to keep up appearances, after all; it saves the trouble of explanation and outside interference.

Since Mom and Dad were gone, it was my job to visit Imbroglio every week. When he asked where Dad was, I told him Dad had been spilled. He seemed OK with that answer.

Dad left me the house—a big old Victorian thing—and a quite a bit of money, which was pretty swell of him. I took the money and promptly invested in some real estate, pumping fluid capital into a lower tax bracket and drawing out 8.9% interest from the bank, which was enough to keep me from working. I was a bit nervous about owning a house, for obvious reasons. My parents had put so much of themselves into that house, I could practically see their ghosts in the mortar. In the end, though, after I had signed all the papers, it was kind of nice; like owning my own corner of the universe.

Leaving the office was easier than I thought it would be. Mostly because I had never really bothered to get close to anyone there. John from Marketing, now ex-boyfriend after said infamous dinner, came up to me and was all, “We’ll miss you, kiddo!” Then he hugged me and started rubbing my shoulder up and down, telling me how good I am to sacrifice myself to help a crazy brother. I guess he felt my coldness, I was, I admit, a bit icier than usual, because he removed his arm. After a pause, he snaked away in the direction of the copy machine, claiming a sudden “touch of thirst.” I didn’t mind him touching me; I was pretty indifferent to it, just like I had been pretty indifferent to our breakup. I did mind, however, him talking about my brother like that. John wasn’t wrong, necessarily, I mean, my brother was crazy, but I resented hearing it all the same.

The first night I spent in the house, sleeping alone, I felt violated by the emptiness. It spread its dirty fingers over everything. I don’t really like the dark that much, anyway.

I brought Imbroglio home from the hospital, and he looked at his house like it was a church or something. I gave him a glass of water and two dull looking pills. He sort of backed away from them. It wasn’t a recoil, just an avoidance. His huge eyes went back and forth between my hand and my face.
“I-- ” he stopped. He began to blink away tears. I had never seen my brother cry before, and I didn’t want to start now, in a cold kitchen, over a cheap 7-11 cup. So I threw the medicine away. I felt guilty, you know? It’s just not right to do that to someone.

In the entire course of my life, I’ve only fallen in love once. You know the diatribe Youth is wasted on the young? That hits home for me, because I was 15 when it happened. One of those dumb church retreats, young women’s camp or whatever. We had to do this retarded thing called a trust walk, where the councilors took us to some field around midnight and had us walk across it alone. I don’t remember what it was supposed to teach us, but I was happy to get away from our perpetually glossed leaders. It was very beautiful out, cool; Texas summer cool, the kind that’s warm but sort of kisses your neck. I was walking through the tall grass when I tripped over this girl. She’d been lying on her back, staring up at the sky. I fell on the ground next to her. She sat up and looked at me, surprised but not concerned. I stared at her, and she was magic, just blinding. The moon hit her hair, creating a smoldering orange halo around her. Her skin was the color of pine, and her eyes. Her eyes. They were star-laced. It’s hard to describe, star-laced: a lot like glitter, like pools of water after a rock is thrown in.
“I hate myself and everyone else,” she said.
“So do I,” I whispered, because it was true then.
We were letter-writing lovers. She would pour herself into those letters, telling me the most amazing things. Some of the lines still stay with me, floating around my mind like ice cubes in a glass of water. You are so dark on the outside, but inside, you radiate. You’re so full of light sometimes I hate being around you. You make me feel like a mirror reflecting the sun. I want to crawl inside your mouth and stay warm and happy forever.

She never did crawl inside me; she never touched me, just as I never touched her. I wanted to, though. I’d see her at church, in the pew with her parents, and it was all I could do not to lean forward and brush my lips against the back of her neck. I adored her, and I adored the way everything seemed mysterious and important and sacred when I was around her. The way I seemed to be beautiful and important. The way I was beautiful and important. She had so much hate though. I had so much guilt. We burned out as quickly as we flamed up, but her ashes stayed with me. My body became like those plaster casts you see in Pompeii: twisted and frozen in time. It was shortly after our breakup that I stopped praying, come to think of it. I never saw her again after she left for Pratt, a few years later. Painting. I still wake up some nights, wondering what her skin tasted like.

My brother gathered the Congregation a few months after he moved into the house. At first, he would just put breadcrumbs on the windowsill, then sit back and wait. There were always tons of crows littering the trees around our neighborhood. Somehow the crows heard about the free food, (apparently, they’re no different than adolescents), and they descended in droves. They just attacked the breadcrumbs. I would watch outside his door sometimes, it was that extraordinary. On a good day, the murder would be at least 40 or 50 strong. Imbroglio eventually figured out they preferred seeds to breadcrumbs, syrup mixed in the batch, a little bit of water. He would talk to them, stroke them, tell them stories. Anytime of day I walked past his room, I could hear squawking, the low murmur of his voice. On retrospect I guess I can see the significance of the Congregation, but at the time I figured it was simply another example of my brother’s increasingly moldy mind.

I was so much older than my brother—fourteen when he was born. I was already at college by the time he started getting a personality. I’d see him around Christmas or Easter, usually; he was the reason I came home at all for the holidays. He had my parents’ eccentricities, right from the start I noticed that, but he always had a way of comforting me that they never seemed to learn. Sending me unsigned cards in the mail. Making midnight calls, as much as they annoyed me. Giving me weird presents like orange construction cones. He thought about me when I wasn’t around, which was the best part. Knowing someone else thinks of you.

This boy got expelled from school my sophomore year, shortly after my fiery breakup, for breaking the laminating machine. He was always a queer little thing—too bookish, too pale, too thin, too quiet. One day Mr. Catterson walked into the Audio/Visual room (that’s where we kept the machine. Don’t ask me why), and he saw this guy by the laminator with blood and feathers all over the place. The legs and torso of some sparrow were just barely sticking out of one end, jammed halfway through the rollers. My immediate reaction was along the lines of: Why didn’t he get a car to back over the bird a few times and flatten it? Doesn’t that moron know anything about laminating?

Imbroglio’s eyes had become normal size again. When he talked, he didn’t sound like Christopher Walken. These are good things. They made me happy.

I have to tell you, honestly, the roof thing came as a real surprise. I thought I had been doing a pretty good job of keeping an eye on Imbroglio. I checked in on him daily, cleaned his room once a week, gave him his freedom. He wasn’t a schizo, for crying out loud. He wasn’t going to come and kill me in my sleep. He just saw things differently, like my parents, but with lower quality equipment to work with. He was crafty, though. I didn’t realize how much until that Sunday. I was in the kitchen, reading the paper, when it started raining outside. After a few minutes, a drop of water fell on my article. So I looked up, right, and the ceiling was covered with beads of rain, like marbles. I ran upstairs to see where the water’s coming from, and I notice the carpet outside my brother’s room is sopping wet. I opened the door, and found myself standing in a deluge. He had sawed off the frickin’ roof. There was no roof. At all. Above me, I could hear the rumbling of thunder, see the swirling rock-gray clouds. Looking around, I noticed that he had taken some of the lumber and piping and made stands for the Congregation to perch on; some attached to the wall, some free standing. I wanted to yell and be furious and angry, but then I looked at him. He was lying on his bed, arms spread out, kind of absorbing the rain. His hair was plastered down, and he was smiling. It was probably the best day of his life. So I did the obvious thing: I drove to Home Depo to pick up some plastic sheeting to line the floor. Keep the water from soaking through the floorboards. I knew my father would have disapproved of how I was treating his home. But then, the house had owned Dad, and I don’t think he ever realized that.

There’s a fine line between living alone and living loneliness. I’ve spent most of my life balancing that tightrope. I like living alone. About a year ago, I was reading this Time Magazine article on money laundering. There was a delightful, esthetically drawn diagram on how to make money from heroin sales to private enterprise. I was about halfway through reading when the phone rang, and one thing led to another, and life intervened. The point is, I came back a week later and the magazine was exactly where I left it, on the exact same page. That is what I like about living alone. But the chemistry of isolation easily alchemies into loneliness. When she first left for college, and even for sometime after, I felt the emptiness more keenly; an inner aching, even though I hadn’t spoken to her since sophomore year. There was something about her leaving. I loved her, and in loving her I became vulnerable.

When I was eleven or so, I used to have Mom leave the hall light on while I tried to fall asleep. The light would seep through the cracks in the door, just enough for me to sense what was in the room. But as I was drifting off to sleep, she’d turn it off. Even though my eyes were closed, I could tell the light had gone. I felt empty, and I guess I felt vulnerable then too. My chest grew a little colder.

Once the roof came off, the Congregation grew. I would come into his room and they would be there, looking at him. He started calling them the Congregation when he began to tell them his secrets. Telling them about God, Love, Beauty, Truth, Water. The crows would listen all day, tilting their heads, as if trying to hold onto his words more effectively. At the end of each sermon, he would give them all water and birdseeds and they would be dismissed, all flying into the night sky. I listened to Imbroglio a couple of times; his talks were bizarre, to say the least, but I liked to fancy that my brother was only choosing his audience.
“Love is like glass. If it breaks, you can only put it together by melting the elements and blowing them, blowing them through ovarian tubes until you have a baby ball of glass love. Melted love, my friends.”

That struck me as pretty funny, given the fact that he was talking to a room full of birds. As a joke, I bought my brother a miniature glass bird as an Easter present. When he unwrapped it, his face lit up as if it were the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen, instead of a $3.99 Hallmark gift. He held it gently in the palm of his hand. I got up to go, leaving him to enjoy his new pet.

“Wait.” I was startled to hear the sound of his voice. It was lucid, like it used to be before the hospital. I turned around and stared at him. He smiled and looked up at me. “Do you know why it’s so important? Do you see it? The glass and the water and the light, I mean.”
“Not really.” I was at a real loss as to what to say. But I was curious.
“All those times we were in church, for hours and hours, all those prayers and teachings can really be distilled down to a simple concept. Like a Grand Unifying Theory of religion. That’s how I like to see it, anyway.” He crossed his legs on the bed, and put the glass bird on one of his knees. “Water cleanses,” he continued. “It baptizes. Light burns. It is fire. It is the Holy Ghost. It speaks to you. Knowledge is light, and God is knowledge. Your body is a vessel, empty, and waits to be filled, like a glass. And glass is transparent, solid, and immoveable. Everything in this world is just a combination of those things.”
“Well, that’s great, but why do you have to make it so complicated? Like with the ovarian tubes and stuff…I mean, what was that?”
“It is complicated. Once you have the distilled elements of life, you start making metaphysical cocktails. I am bartender. I’m just trying to get you to understand. Understand what you need to look for. Understand what you might be smothering. Understand what happens.”
“What do you mean? What happens when you do what?”
“Shhhhhhhhhh. Listen. Just listen.”
I listened, but I didn’t hear anything. And when I looked back at him, his eyes had returned to shining pools of metal.
Melted love.
Love is important.

When my brother left me, it hurt me more than I thought it would. Dave and Bob, upset that as a home owner I was shunning the company of other Home Owners, quickly took notice of the Congregation and the roofless room. Like the attentive neighbors they were, they made it their personal duty to inform the local authorities that I was being negligent. Perhaps there was truth in that; perhaps I was pragmatic, given the situation. Either way, I opened the front door one morning to find several suited men, both white and cop and business, eager to take a look at my brother’s redecoration. I let them in, even though I knew they were going to take him away from me. I had an unfortunate respect for authority. Like all good philosophy students I had read Plato’s Dialogues. I knew that an individual has an obligation to respect the social contract. I just felt that the social contract was coming down on my liberties a little too severely.

I opened the door to my brother’s room, leading the gentleman inside. It was noon, so at first all I could see was Imbroglio, drenched in sunlight. As my eyes adjust, I realized he was a bit shinier than usual: he had drenched himself in Karo Syrup. He looked at the men and waved. His congregation surrounded him, ruffling feathers and clicking their beaks.

“Jesus died for the sins of the world,” he said, syrup dripping off his hair. “I’m not Jesus, but I think he had the right idea.” With that, Imbroglio threw a bag of birdseeds over his body. The hard husks stuck to the golden syrup. I remember thinking that boy looks like an anthill. Then there was a huge noise, like a storm, and I realized the horror of what was about to happen. The congregation swooped down on Imbroglio, flying at him from all sides. For a moment, he looked like a black blue torch, all wings and eyes and claws. There was no screaming, no blood. In a flurry of feathers, they were gone. And so was my brother.

For a while, after Imbroglio left, I slept in his room with the hall light on. I would look up at the sky and wonder where he was. The crows in the trees around our house had been silent since my brother had disappeared. The quiet would pour in through the hole above my head, washing over me. I heard silence, emptiness; I heard the world stretching on and on without anything to fill it. I heard darkness, and I hated it.
I was thinking about him one night, the way he used to hold my hand. I realized how alone I really was, and how alone I’d been for so long. I found myself crying, softly at first, than harder. The sound of my voice broke the silence. I clutched the blankets as these sobs ripped through my body, being torn from places I had forgotten about. It didn’t take long; our bodies aren’t meant to deal with passion. I lay on the bed, gutted, and I wanted to do anything to stop the emptiness, the darkness. So I prayed. It sounds terrible when I say it like that, like I was so pathetic and weak I had to fall back on the abstruse. But it wasn’t like that, really. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to come home. I had practically forgotten how, it had been so long. I prayed for strength, for light. I prayed never to become a Home Owner, or a Casserole Baker. I suppose what I really wanted was comfort, not numbness. I didn’t want to be cold anymore.

My final amen echoed through the room, then slowly seeped into the sky. I closed my eyes. Later that night, the cacophony of crows’ voices woke me out of a dreamless sleep. I looked up, and saw that the moon was surrounded by a smoky orange hallow. Smiling softly, I got to my feet, and turning out the hall light, made my way back to bed.


From Mallrats, perhaps one of the best movies ever created. These are not the best quotes from the movie, but rather the ones running through my head:

************
Brodie: My grandmother always said, "Why buy the cow...when you get the sex for free."
************
T.S.: But they're engaged.
Brodie: Doesn't matter, can't happen.
T.S.: Why not? It's bound to come up.
Brodie: It's impossible, Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I gurantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry her child?
T.S.: Sure, why not?
Brodie: He's an alien, for christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. That would kill him.

It is 2pm. The squalor that was my room has been organized and cleaned out. Let the studying begin!

There's battlescars on all my guitars
But still I come out here and play
There's battlescars on my face and my arms
But you still kiss me anyway


Why are all of the best bands broken up or unknown? Why doesn't everyone know and adore Rasputina and Jonathan Fire*Eater? I don't know. But it hurts me.

He wants you to put this plate of crumbs
back into the frigerator
When you do, he wants you to make sure
to bring this plate with dessert later
Stand to the right
Give him a bite
Insulate the bed
Shoot him up when he's dead.

He wants you to take a box, kleenex, and cut it with a knife
Use a stack of tissues for each hand
killing germs could save his life
Climb into the cockpit
He drops his pants and grins
Just act like it's nothing
Just nod and smile at him.

Howard Hughes pops a valium blue
and he reclines the naked chair
and watches just one more movie
Howard Hughes has got something on you
when the fingers grow long
And the toenails they wrap around him
Howard Hughes
What he did
What he'd do

He wants you to seal windows and doors
of his hotel room with tape
He will be alowed to pee on floors
cause his codeine constipates.
Listen to him moan
About a multi million loan
Don't answer the phone.
It's been a long time since he's flown.

Howard Hughes pops a valium blue
and he reclines the naked chair
and watches just one more movie
Howard Hughes has got something on you
when the fingers grow long
And the toenails they wrap around him
Howard Hughes
What he did
What he'd do
--Howard Hughes, Rasputina

It is my job to give you posts often during finals week in an evil plot to draw you out of studying and into procrastination

Saturday, December 08, 2001

News: The Promise Ring is releasing a new album in Spring 2002. This is a very, very good thing.
Also: I am shutting down my computer for the next three days. I must do work. I cannot be distracted. Really.

This one weblog is called: emotions taste like honey. 10 to 1 thats a girl, and 100 to 1 she's an upperclass white girl with aspirations of being an artist, or at least aspirations of 'deepness'. I cannot stand those kinds of people. Yeah man, anger, hate, and jealousy really taste like honey.

After this post, the gauntlet of work will be run again. Yes, my western civ paper is done, but now I have to work at library, go to a classical history convention, rewrite my short story, finish my western civ reading and outline it for the final, read and understand aristotle, and, ummmmm...oh yeah, clean my room so I can NOT kill myself in the morning. Wednesday, it will be over. Wednesday, wednesday, wednesday.

Jenny was a weird kid. She had this grey hoodie which she wore to school every day, despite the fact that it was a violation of the dress code. When she was bored, she would pull the hood over her head and pull the strings, only her nose visible. Then she would tuck her arms behind her back and pick a victim. Going up to whatever girl she spotted, she would bounce against them several times, bumping her head repeatedly against her back. She did it to me once, and wouldn't stop--it was so bloody annoying--so I slammed my locker shut, turned around, and yelled, "Jen! What is wrong with you!"

She continued bumping against me. "I'm a sperm," she replied. Bump bump bump.

I am flypaper for freaks

I've been listening to my girl music lately. It was a nice contrast to kid rock. I got me some Nina Gordon, Tracy Bonham, Veruca Salt, and Letters to Cleo, as well as several ballads and lame love songs by bands who pander exclusively to the chick factor, Semisonic being the most obvious. I have become convinced, however, that no one who dislikes Smashing Pumpkins "Pennies" can ever truly be my friend. It has to be one of the best B-sides next to "Cherry" ever recorded.

Hi Stalker!

I saw "The Man Who Wasn't There" last night with Mark and Adele. It was bizarre, but beautifully rendered. The sound was exquisite. Everything was so quiet, it had such an elegant simplicity--whenever Crane would take a drag, you could hear the cigarette burn. At one point in the movie Crane, a barber, is looking at this kids hair. He wants to know why it keeps growing, and where it comes from. "This hair is part of us; it comes from inside. And we cut it off and throw it away. I will mix this hair with the dirt. Common dirt." I liked that, especially since there is currently handfuls of hair scraps in my trash can.

I'm a seether.

And I'm late for work. Can't fight the seether, baby. Can't fight the Man either


Paranoid: Moderate
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

How did I know that test would have me pegged as a histrionic? My sister is, though, so I suppose it was inevitable

Tonatale: How come the only girls I attract are addicited to sex?

Friday, December 07, 2001

“Thus a possession of power gave unlimited scope to ruthless greed, which violated and plundered everything, respecting nothing and holding nothing sacred, till finally it brought about its own downfall” (Sallust, Jugurtha, 41.5).

In order to be a great hero, one must conquer a great enemy; in order to be considered an important historian, one must tackle a truly important topic. While Sallust aggrandized the Jugurthine Wars (and indeed the Catilinarian conspiracy) in order to render his work more meaningful, we should not discount some of the truth we are able to distill from his writings. Sallust’s portrayal of the upper class senatorial nobility is a picture of greed, corruption, and deception. How much of that, however, is really Sallust’s judgment, and how much of it is simply rhetoric? Is this picture colored by Sallust’s own political leanings, or is he simply judging the Senate as a corrupt whole? These are the questions I will be attempting to address in this paper in order to ascertain how much Sallust criticized the Senate, and why.
Like all writers, Sallust puts a good deal of himself, and his own views, into his historical texts. His relationship with Caesar and the populares indicates that he was concerned with the rights of the people, but in fact he had all of the qualities that he judged as abhorrent in Catiline and Jugurtha. He was expelled from the Senate in 50BC for corruption, and was faced with another in 46 for extortion in Africa Nova, which forced him into an earlier retirement. In writing the rather lengthy introduction to The Conspiracy of Catiline, he fails to mention these accounts of corruption, smoothing his past over with a simple explanation of being lead astray. Sallust the Historian becomes, then Sallust the Editor in order to make himself a more moral judge of character in these histories. The juxtaposition of his life, and his new role as a moral judge, gives the reader an indication of the level of moralizing against corruption we will see later on. If such a good, moral person as Sallust was to be lead down the road to extortion and bribery, then ordinary men will undoubtedly be shown as even more dark and corrupt, regardless of whether they too are populares or optimates.
Sallust’s critiques of the upper class were highly influenced by other historians as well as modern philosophical thought. Despite his dislike of Greek affectation and un-Roman emotionalism, Sallust was deeply influenced by Greek culture, which played an important role in his moral judgment of the upper class. At the time Sallust was writing, the Romans controlled the entire Mediterranean. With this empire came an influx of new thoughts and ideas, particularly ancient Greek. The ancient Greek democracy was once again seen as an example for the Roman Republic, along with all of the democratic Greek ideals that went along with it. “A principle premise of ancient republicanism was that power corrupts, that no man could be trusted with it, especially not for long periods of time” (1). The Senate, the most powerful institution in Rome, would then, by this argument, be the most corrupt. That is exactly the stand that Sallust will later take; like many Romans, Sallust was influenced by the ideal republic invented by the Greeks, and as an educated body, was more aware of corruption than before. The moralizing tone Sallust takes may just be an example of this new awareness of corruption, rather than an actual increase in corruption. But either way, the portrait of the upper class, which ran the government, suffered under Sallust’s emphasis on government responsibilities and virtues.
Greek thought influenced writing and philosophy as well as political theory. Writers like Herodotus and Thucydides, among others, had long ago set the precedent for critique of the nobiles. Sallust was especially influenced by Thucydides, who had a disdain for greed and ambition, using psychological analysis to illustrate his political and moral themes. There also seems to be a good deal of Platonism infused throughout his works; the stress on mind over body, brains over brawn. The characters who come out of Sallust with the least amount of criticism are characters with Greek notions of philosophy; men like Cato, who embraced the strict dogma of Stoicism. Stoicism was notorious for its condemnation of material self-seeking, bodily pleasures, and irrationality, all things that Sallust condemns in his work. Cicero himself was deeply influenced by Stoicism, and his speeches and correspondences are the backbone of The Conspiracy of Catiline. Cicero will weigh very heavily upon Sallust’s interpretation of the Conspiracy. Catiline and Antonious pooled their resources together to try and defeat Cicero during the consular elections of 64. Cicero turned on them with a wave of allegations and bitter attacks, which make their way into Sallust’s interpretations of the events. But it is chiefly Cicero’s stoicism which causes Sallust, who was once an opponent of Cicero, to respect his judgment. Thus it becomes clear that the moral uprightness, virtu, and sense of judgment from Greek society was, at least indirectly, a major contributor to Sallust’s condemnation of the Roman Senate.
Sallust goes out of his way to portray himself as an excellent moral judge of character, even twisting his diction and syntax into archaic Latin to better achieve, at least stylistically, the role of humble Roman. This humility is important as a rhetorical device, because it makes the excesses of the Senate, in oratory and in deeds, seem pompous and un-Roman. In reality, Sallust was far from his ideal of a humble Roman farmer, and his technique and style were far more polished and Greek-influenced than his diction shows. He was actual so concerned with appearance and style that his historical accuracy suffered:
History was affected for the worse by the rhetorical art, as indeed poetry was destined also to be; Sallust, though we owe much to him, was in fact an amateur, who thought more of style and expression than truth and fact. (2)
This reliance on rhetorical style forces Sallust to conform to the idea that the nobility and the status quo are corrupt, despite any feelings he might have had. For example, in both Jugurtha and Catiline he trumps up the “Golden Age” cliché, where society was perfect, hard working, and humble, but has degenerated into something corrupt and evil. Sallust was not a literary genius; he was breaking no new stylistic ground with his histories. It would be going against the historical style if he were to portray the aristocracy as anything other than corrupt and evil. Popular rhetoric denounced enemies of the plebian classes; by this knowledge alone, we as readers must be prepared when reading Sallust that any person who fights for the people will automatically be good, and any person not on their side will be irredeemably bad.
The Golden Age interpretation does have a certain amount of validity; Sallust was not blindly following precedent, after all. After the fall of Carthage, the Senate became much more wealthy; since the Senate controlled the treasury, likewise, it became more powerful and larger. But even other writers, such as Varro, commented on the increase in corruption, writing lines like “the habit of corruption gripped the city like a plague” (3). Outside of contemporary judgment, there is a noticeable change in legislative tone, such as the law against bribery (181BC) and extravagant dinners (182BC), indicating, if anything, that there was an increased awareness of evil among the upper class. But this increase is drastically overestimated by Sallust, as is the goodness of the past. “Of course, greed for wealth and power were not vices suddenly discovered by the Romans in 146 or indeed in the second century. There is enough evidence from earlier times to suggest that the type of Roman idealized by later ages, the Curius and Cincinnatus—a fighting farmer of stern scruples, dedicated to the simple life and the work ethic—was, if not a myth, at least not totally representative” (4).
Sallust’s rhetorical tricks can occasionally cause the modern reader some confusion; it is important to keep in mind the idea that what is shocking and severe by our standards was not necessarily likewise for our Roman counterparts. Sallust may be attacking the aristocracy in what seems like a hostile manner, but in fact is just another example of rhetorical style:
It was a traditional method of hostile oratory, and sprang up from an old Roman root, the tendency to defamation and satire, which may itself be attributed in part to the Italian custom of leveling abuse at a public man (e.g. at his triumph) in order to avert evil from him. To single out a man’s personal ugliness, to calumniate his ancestry in the vilest terms, those were little more than traditional practice, oratorical devices, which the rhetorical education of the day encouraged, and which no one took very seriously. (5)

Therefore, Sallust may not have been, necessarily, unduly harsh or unduly judgmental on the Roman Senate; his criticisms were all entirely within the acceptable frame of historical writing at the time.
Assuming Sallust was only fleshing out a historical template, he would have then grouped the entire Senate together as one whole, rather than splitting them up into populares and optimates and evaluating each group separately. Roman politics, even back in the beginning of the Republic, had always been aristocratic. Regardless of whatever party they belonged to, all Senators had comparative levels of debt and wealth. Pompey, one of the greatest and most powerful populares, was easily the wealthiest man in Rome. In many cases, Sallust does just that, criticizing all upper class individuals for their corruption overtly and by example. The Jugurthine War represents, at least chronologically in his texts, the first time the arrogance of the Roman nobility was challenged. “According to Sallust’s analysis, the Jugurthine war stemmed from the cataclysmic combination of the Numidian prince Jugurtha and the Roman nobles who dominated the corrupt society that was spinning out of control in the mid-second century” (21).
Jugurtha has committed acts of war that Sallust shows in the blackest ways; we see Jugurtha massacring his brothers for the throne. He kills Adherbal, even after he has surrendered, and he slaughters foreign merchants. After we see all of this evil, Sallust presents us with the Roman Senate’s reaction. Jugurtha sends several envoys to Rome, who bribe prominent politicians, causing a drawn out and lengthy debate over what is, essentially, a worthless province. These politicians, we are meant to assume, are optimates, for they have a certain indifference to “the public good” (Jugurtha, 25.5). However, Sallust then goes on to show that after Aulus’ military failure, there was a bill passed by the populares to prosecute those guilty of taking bribes. Instigated by a popularis lieutenant under Bestia, the investigation “was conducted harshly and oppressively, on hearsay evidence, and according to the caprice of the mob. The nobles had played the tyrant often enough in the past; but now the proletariat was on top and showed itself as arrogant as they had been” (41.5). While Sallust uses the phrase proletariat, in reality the proletariat was simply manipulated by its popularis leaders, making the populares no better then their optimate brothers.
Sallust is obviously critical of the bribery and actions in the Senate during the Jugurthine War, but is his scorn really justified?
Sallust ascribed the apparent feebleness and indecision in Roman behavior down to 110 to the corruption of leading Senators by Jugurtha’s bribes. Modern scholars have argued that on the contrary, the Romans were following a rational policy: A war in Numidia was difficult and expensive; Roman interests were best served by a strong ruler friendly to Rome and any closer involvement in Numidian affairs was counter-productive; thus it was largely popular agitation, swelled by complaints of businessmen like those previously killed at Cirta, which led Rome into an unnecessary conflict. (7)

Obviously, the Senate took bribes, but it doesn’t mean that their judgment was wrong. They may have very well been accepting bribes for actions they would have taken, regardless of the money. It would have been foolish, in fact, not to accept a bribe for an action that made rational sense. The Senate was set up in such a way that bribery was almost essential to keep a Senator from catastrophic debt. The high cost of even legitimate candidacies, as well as the expectation to keep up the glory of your name with elaborate homes and dinners, was not offset with any kind of payment. Bribery was almost encouraged as a source of revenue, and was not necessarily the tool of corruption and manipulation Sallust makes it out to be.
Similar moral judgment is passed on the whole of the Senate in The Conspiracy of Catiline. While Pompey is away fighting in the east, Senators of all parties scurry around at home, backstabbing each other, trying to put themselves in a good position for Pompey’s return.
[Sallust] described the newly aggressive tribunate of the sixties as making the start of a period when the protectors of the people’s rights were as selfish and ambitious as the aristocratic ‘establishment’ which defended its own supremacy in the name of the Senate. Both sides were brutal and extreme; it was only Pompey’s absence which gave the oligarchy the tactical advantage. (8)

The tribune was supposed to be the protector of the rights of the people; it’s failure to do anything other than abuse power shows Sallust’s paints all aristocrats with the same brush.
Catiline’s own political leanings are hazy, and will be discussed later in this paper; suffice to say, however, that he is written up, at least for the greater part of The Conspiracy of Catiline, as a villain. His list of supporters reflects the level of corruption among the nobiles, both outside and inside the Senate. Included are the following:
1) Indebted property owners
2) Indebted people seeking political advancement
3) Sullan coloni who had failed to prosper
4) Corrupt peasant farmers
5) Indebted lower class
6) Criminals
7) Young and dissipated gentry
8) High level courtesans like Sempronia.

The Sullan coloni were usually optimates, since Sulla himself was incredible conservative. Sempronia and the dissipated gentry represent the non-political faction of the aristocracy. Those in debt and seeking political advancement would probably have been populares; Crassus, for example, became powerful when several equites and other indebted populares came to him for money. His control of indebted senators kept him, according to Sallust, from prosecution in the Catiline case; Cicero was shouted off the floor for even suggesting Crassus’ involvement.
In this list, however, there are several groups who were not members of the aristocracy, such as the farmers and the indebted lower class. Sallust is not implying, however, that these groups of people are corrupt; they are simply frustrated and unhappy as the result of nobiles evil. Poverty as the result of the greed of the wealthy was the accepted standard by almost all Roman historians. The poor rebelled because, by the historians view, they were so bitterly poor they were pushed to wrath and greed. The griefs of the poor were not, however, thought to excuse the troubles among their aristocratic leaders, which is why Sallust comes down so hard on them (9).
In reality, poverty and repression of the lower classes had been the result of some short-sighted policies made by the Senators. After Hannibal’s evacuation of Italy, the nobility snatched up huge chunks of land, leaving a large group of either landless laborers or tenant farmers. The great amount of domestic violence that occurred during the late republic was the symptom of the Senate’s declining legitimacy; the result of a certain failure to adapt to the changing times. The legislators, both populares and optimates, ignored the uprooted peasant solider population, were slow in granting Italian citizenship and educating the newly naturalized citizens, and fought with the equites. What reforms did come were, to a certain extent, mangled, the Italian citizenship issue being the most obvious (10). After a useless war, the Italians were given Roman citizenship, without any kind of preparation for the responsibilities citizenship entailed.
What Rome should be blamed for, if its objective was to strengthen and perpetuate republicanism, is its shortsighted policy of rashly conferring citizenship upon large numbers of slaves [and Italians] without preparing them for it. The Romans were shortsighted because their motives were wrong; in the late Republic elite ruling class Romans liberated their slaves not to enhance republicanism and liberty but to satisfy their own desires for power and reputation. (11)

These new citizens were quickly bought by politicians, further adding to the corruption and undemocratic tendencies embedded in the patron-client relationship.
Sallust obviously views the entire wealthy class as corrupt, and while he does make an effort to show that there is evil regardless of political factions, he displays a certain bias. Sallust’s personal history as a member of the populares, as well as his historical influences cause him to color his picture of the nobility; he is especially harsh on senators who ignored the will of the people.
After the restoration of the power of the tribunes in the consulship of Pompey and Crassus, this very important office was obtained by certain men whose youth intensified their natural aggressiveness. These tribunes began to rouse the mob by inveighing against the Senate, and then inflame popular passion still further by handing out bribes and promises, whereby they won renown and influence for themselves. They were strenuously opposed by most of the nobility, who posed as defenders of the Senate but were really concerned to maintain their own privileged position. (12)
(Sallust, Cat. 38.1-2)

This paragraph is particularly fascinating because it illustrates Sallust’s moralizing about the evils of the entire upper class, but is most pointed with respect to the optimates. The young tribunes are excused in their excess; they are young, and full of natural aggressiveness. And while it is true, that they won “influence for themselves,” they still are credited with involving the people in the political process. The optimates, however, simply “pose” as defenders; they have no such excuse as youth or passion, but are simply a faceless mob, “concerned to maintain their own privileged position.” This populares bias extends throughout the histories, since they represent the voice of the people. By creating friction between the populares and the optimates, Sallust is moralizing the class conflict. In his view concordia between the classes was the result of virtus and is the major reason for Rome’s rise. The optimates suppression of the lower classes, which occurs throughout much of the first half of Jugurtha, is therefore perverting the concept of virtus.
Sallust comes down hardest on the optimates in The Jugurthine War, because it was that imbroglio which caused Rome’s pride to be severely hurt on a public stage. A king from a worthless African province, fearless, shows more Roman values then the entire Senate. The optimates have been bought, the populares are do busy prosecuting them with vengeance, and the plebs wish for war is being ignored. It is only after several businessmen are slaughtered in Cirta that a tribune informs the people of the Senate’s refusal to fight Jugurtha. Such a popular outcry finally pushes the optimates into action, when they put the province under consular control. Sallust inserts another dig at towards the conservative faction when he says that, upon hearing the news that the Senate was finally taking military action, Jugurtha responds in shock. He had heard that there was ‘nothing money couldn’t accomplish in Rome.’
When war is finally declared, Rome displays a certain amount of hubris, which is by implication an optimates trait, that causes the early, and drastic, failure of Aulus. He is replaced by another optimate, Metellus. While he manages to lead the army to several victories by imposing old-fashion discipline, he lacks humility, and the war drags on because he underestimates his enemy. His arrogance causes him to spurn the ambition of a populares soldier, Marius, who returns to Rome and is elected consul.
The election of Marius to the consulship is a critical turning point in the history, because it is then that the trouble with Numidia ceases to become an elite war, instead becoming a people’s war. Sallust writes an elaborate speech that Marius ‘delivered,’ which speaks. He speaks of the traditional values of virtus, and how the nobility has corrupted it. He talks about his humble origins, and how he is elected to represent the people, rather than his own desires (85.10-48)(13). If this speech has a familiar quality about it, that is because Sallust gives a similar lecture directed towards the reader in section 41.5. Marius becomes, from his election throughout the end of the narrative, an embodiment of lost Roman values, a man railing against the corruption all against him.
Only after Marius is elected consul does the war truly change for the better, and only under Marius’ direct influence do we see Jugurtha finally defeated. It is through implication, then that Sallust shows him political bias.
Sallust is bias, but he is not blind; there are instances where he recognizes the faults of the populares as well. These points, however, are either hidden in Catiline, or they are passed over, even overshadowed, by greater populares glories. For example, in Jugurtha, when Metellus takes over the army, he is described as being immune to bribery. While in Numidia he imposes old-fashioned order and discipline, improving morale and winning several victories. He serves as an excellent contrast to the concept of a military dictator. Sallust was very critical of military leaders who, like Sulla, abused the concept of democracy. Aulus’ lack of discipline is moralized in Jugurtha as a Sullan manipulation. In other texts, Sallust criticizes Sulla, blaming the corrupt state of the army through slack discipline in order to secure loyal adherents for the civil war (14). This blame extends to Aulus and his army; it is only through old-fashioned Roman values that morality improves. However, this example of optimate virtue is overshadowed by Metellus’ obvious arrogance, as well as his inability to win the war; Marius, the popularis candidate, was the only man who was capable of a victory.
In Catiline the only redeeming portrait of an optimate we see is Cato, a known stoic and leader of the optimates throughout most of the sixties. Cato’s speech, which preaches of discipline and traditional Roman values, invokes all of the good qualities possible in conservativism. It does, however, come after a very moving speech on behalf of Caesar, asking for clemency. While its courage and determination is to be admired, readers have a knowledge of the long term effect of this decision: Cicero’s eventual exile. Because Cicero suffers from allowing an illegal act to be taken, no matter what the emergency, Cato looks rash and dangerous, in hindsight. It is also important to note that the majority of Cato’s speech criticizes his fellow optimates severely for their luxury, greed, corruption, and weakness. Although Sallust does, ultimately, make Cato out to be a hero, his rendering is tinted with anti-optimates propaganda.
Sallust juxtaposes characters in his work in order to become a more visible moral judge. In Jugurtha, Metellus and Marius are placed side by side, and the differences, as well as similarities in character becomes readily apparent. Both were able military leaders, and both were strong, moral men. Each one had, however, a tragic character flaw which keeps them from true purity. Metellus’ arrogance insults Marius; Marius retaliates by deposing him of command when Marius is elected consul. Marius, on the other hand, is ambitious, a characteristic not as well respected by ancients as it is today; he was also rash, and very impulsive. Since he was writing for an audience some 70 years after the actual Jugurthine wars, Sallust realizes that his audience would be familiar with Marius’ end:
When the Senate tried to depose him in 87, [Cinna, a populares] and Marius, now returned from exile, occupied the city. Marius was now possessed by a bloodythirsty frenzy and massacred Sulla’s supporters by the hundred, till Cinna was sickened by the carnage and turned his own troops on the cutthroats who were carrying it out….By his final acts of savagery, he had sullied a hitherto honorable record and disgraced the popular cause in the eyes of all decent men. (15)

Sallust’s respect for the populares makes him incapable of portraying Marius as anything other than a hero, despite his tragic end. But by making a point of stressing his rashness and his ambition, Sallust takes some glory away from the populares image.
The Conspiracy of Catiline is a political conspiracy among Senators, which makes the juxtapositions between characters more complicated and varied than in Jugurtha. Interestingly enough, almost all of the individual characters presented to the reader, with the exception of Cato, are populares; and yet they differ widely in their virtue, as well as their portrait. The main players include Gaius Caesar, Crassus, and Catiline, all of whom were contemporaries of Sallust. Despite the fact that the historian knew these men personally, he gives stock renders of their personalities in order to better moralize his ideas of good and evil.
Caesar is virtually untarnished; despite sources at the time that hint of his involvement in the conspiracy, Sallust leaves him out entirely, showing a profound Caesarian bias. This could have been for a number of reasons; perhaps loyalty on behalf of Sallust to a former political ally, or Caesar’s reputation as being a humanitarian and a friend to the people. Either way Sallust was influenced to think the best, and Caesar is portrayed in an extremely positive manner. His speech at the end of Catiline asks for clemency for the prisoners; this speech comes across as particularly levelheaded and wise, based on what we already know about the eventual outcome of the trial. Because he is generous, calm, and powerful, Sallust views Caesar as the best example of a populares politician, therefore giving him a stunningly pure literary picture. This proves particularly interesting, based on what the reader knows of Caesar’s character. His ambitions and wartime glory, (much like Sulla and Pompey before him) led to a rift between the triumvirs. Caesar brought his army into Italy in open defiance of the Senate after his conquest of Gaul, and Pompey was chosen to lead the defense of the state. Thus Caesar was in a similar position, later in life, to Catiline, and yet we get no hint of such trouble in Catiline. Sallust, it seems, cannot resist a bias to his old political mentor.
Crassus’ name is often thrown about in conjunction with the conspiracy, yet he is never prosecuted by the Senate. He is, by Sallust’s account, just as guilty of misconducts as Catiline, only slightly better because he was never pressed into open revolt. In reality, he was a corrupt individual, but no villain; just a man capable of political ambiguities in order to satisfy his ambition. “Crassus was not properly a popularis. Member of a hereditary nobility, as Pompey was not, fabulously rich as a result of profits from the Sullan proscriptions, corrupt, strong in clients, he was willing to use any method to carry out his designs in politics” (16). Crassus’ wealth was obtained from his alliance with a disliked conservative; his sons married into optimate families, and he got the optimates to agree to a scheme to cut down Pompey’s power. His clients were fellow Senators who borrowed from him, ensuring him a certain level of protection. Cicero, whom Sallust takes a good deal of his narration from, tried accusing Crassus of participation in the conspiracy, but was shouted off the stage by Crassus’ supporters. Sallust mentions this, but twists it into an accusation that Crassus has actually shopped for Senators. His entire tone of distrust and dislike for Crassus stems from the fact that Crassus was not really a populares. He had many equites clients, and he considered himself a populares, but in reality he often sides more with the optimates, since they were the better organized and more powerful group in the Senate. Because Crassus was not interested in helping the people, but strove for his own political gains, Sallust embeds him deeply into this scandal, despite the fact that he was, at least in name, a populares.
Catiline was, similarly, a popularis who manipulated the party in order to reach his own ends. Sallust vacillates in his characterization of Catiline, who begins the book as a black-hearted criminal who drinks blood and associates with prostitutes. The last image of him is in a final battle, dead, full of frontal wounds. It is obvious to see why Sallust portrays Catiline as evil: like Crassus, he was a ‘bad’ sort of populares, who ignored the will of the people, manipulating the assemblies, buying jurors, and even courting the optimates. For example, while running for Senate, he and his running mate Antonius (son of a consul), insisted that noble birth was a necessary qualification for a consul (17). This was, obviously, a way to keep Cicero, a new men, from gaining optimates support, but it is an example of the fact that Catiline was more interested in his own self interests than the interests of others. He failed to realize that Cicero’s remarkably oratory skill would be much more useful in the consulship, especially if Pompey was to return and some sort of mediating influence was needed. But some even go as far to say that Catiline was not a populares at all. Waters tells us that “Catiline had a reputation as a bitter enemy of the populares” (18) despite whatever protestations he made to the contrary. Even if it is true that Catiline was in fact an optimate, it would make little difference; Sallust’s portrait of Catiline has him leaning so far to the right that one has to search for any signs of popularis, which don’t really appear until his final redemption.
There is some evidence to suggest that Catiline was as corrupt as he was made him out to be; his machinations were not simply a product of Sallust’s bias. In the election against Cicero for consulship, we see evidence of the corruption to which Sallust refers us:
The election, like others in the sixties, was attended by heavy bribery, but this seems to have been undertaken chiefly in the interest of Catilina and his running mate C. Antonius, for when the senate attempted to put a stop to it obstruction came from the tribune Q. Mucius Orestinus, who was in all probability the brother of Catilina’s wife Aurelia Orestilla. (19)

It was well known that Catiline was ambitious, motivated, and deeply in debt. However, it doesn’t necessarily follow that those traits would create the corrupt anarchist Sallust gives us. Crassus had a certain amount of protection from slander, not only because of his equites clients, but also due to his relationship with Pompey. Crassus did oppose bills giving Pompey his glory, and their backgrounds were dissimilar, but there is certain evidence to show that they did have a history of collaboration. As consuls, Pompey and Crassus cooperated once to restore power to tribunes; both wanting popular goodwill and to “profit in the future from tribune legislation” (20). Waters goes on to reiterate that point: Although Catiline is written after Pompey’s days of consular glory, and after his terrible defeat in the Caesarian civil war, he still commanded a certain amount of loyalty. He was, if anything, a true populares, restoring tribune power and fighting against Caesar on behalf of the state of Rome. Crassus’ link with Pompey gives him immunity from some of Sallust’s more slanderous writings. Catiline has no such protection; although he did serve with Pompey for a period of time, “The prosecution of Catilina in 64 by Pompeius’ close friend L. Lucceuis suggests that Pompeius had by then abandoned any interest in Catilina he might have had” (21). Without that level of protection, and without any posthumous following (such as Pompey, Marius, and even Crassus had), there would be no reason why Sallust couldn’t slander Catiline as much as he chooses.
Part of Sallust’s anger comes from a source outside of the typical Greek and historical influences that characterize many of his portraitures. Sallust had a certain amount of scorn for those individuals who were more interested in revolt and personal gain than in truly helping the disadvantaged. Cato, while an optimate, was interested in what was best for Rome, not himself. Catiline, regardless of whether he was a ‘bad’ populares or an optimates, was interested in debt relief, personal gain. He bypassed the traditional path of working with the tribunes, and instead focused on plebian uprisings. Sallust felt that all leaders of pleb uprisings, or leaders who stood for pleb rights, were holding fraudulent claims—seeking personal power under honorable pretexts (22). The Platonic assertion dictates that anything other than political obedience or persuasion is immoral in a democracy; Catiline’s revolution is an example of immorality.
Catiline’s redemption as a fatal hero is poignant because it is an example where Sallust momentarily withholds his party moralizing in an attempt to show the power of the individual, and individual values. Despite the fact that violence and revolution were looked down on Platonically, it was generally accepted among ancient Romans that, assuming the purpose of a government was to promote common interest through law, any regime that failed could be legitimately resisted through violence (23). A populares, or any leader like Catiline who depends on plebian loyalty, can only be truly powerful by satisfying some sort of popular discontent. In order to rise to that level of revolutionary, the government, populares and optimates alike, must have been turning a blind eye to the issue of debt relief. Either way, Catiline’s noble end did say something powerful; despite his shortcomings, he was a Roman, and even a corrupt Roman carries certain amounts of virtus in his soul.
Much of this ambiguity concerning who is populares and who is optimates comes, unfortunately, from the fact that the two factions were amorphous, merging and shifting members everyday. Pompey, for example, was intimate with Sulla, and yet he was renown for his populares reforms of the tribunate and the courts. The populares were notoriously poorly organized, whereas the optimates was tightly knit from a series of patron-client relationships and family loyalties. Cicero, a populares, courts the optimates extensively, opposing a helpful Agrarian bill, arguing that it would hurt Pompey by infringing on his provinces (24); in reality, he was courting optimates goodwill. Even modern historians find it difficult to agree about the motives of the political factions: “Mommsen had applied Sallust’s bleak judgment on the speciousness of the values of the optimates and populares mainly to the populares and saw them as the chief aspirants to tyrannical power” (25). However, Sallust does not emphasize these ambiguities; for him, there are simply bad individuals, who are selfish, and good individuals, who fight for the people.
Sallust’s moralizing is evident when one compares his almost unredeemable story of corruption with the actual motives and climate of the day. He did, however, uncover certain amounts of truth. For a variety of reasons, both inherent in the political system and as a result of certain Senatorial policy, corruption did become worse during the Late Republic. Following precedents and influences, Sallust naturally delivers a black, evil picture of corruption among the upper class. But in many ways his picture is shaded, and is deeper than a simple case of surface moralizing. Although on many cases he recognizes evil in all nobility, he often comes down hardest on the optimates. This is the result not only of Sallust’s political leanings, which are an essential part of this bias, but also with his greater purpose as a historian. He is concerned, ultimately, with the lack of virtus; anyone attempting to ignore the will of the people or become self-seeking, therefore, lacks Roman virtue. Since the optimates were the wealthiest class, they represent extravagance and affectation. In urging his readers to return to what he perceives to be traditional Roman morality, Sallust justifies villainizing certain ostentatious members of the nobility. In the end, however, no one, except perhaps Caesar, remains unsullied by Sallust’s vitriolic criticism. But then, historical objectivity has a much smaller audience than scandal and intrigue.








Footnotes:
(1) Page 2, Wilson
(2) Page 111, Fowler
(3) Page 330, Crook, Lintott, Rawson
(4) Page 8, Crook, Lintott, Rawson
(5) Page 107, Fowler
(6) Page 21, Kraus and Woodman
(7) Page 30, Crook, Lintott, Rawson
(8) Page 30, Crook, Lintott, Rawson
(9) Page 8-9, idea came from Crook, Lintott, Rawson
(10) Page 3, idea from Wilson
(11) Page 60, Wilson
(12) Page 73, idea from Millar
(13) The Jugurthine Conspiracy, sections 85.10-48
(14) Page 9, idea came from Crook, Lintott, Rawson
(15) Page 155, Handford introduction, The Conspiracy of Catiline
(16) Page 121, Taylor
(17) Page 348, idea from Crook, Lintott, Rawson
(18) Page 207, Waters
(19) Page 62, Seager
(20) Page 24, Seager
(21) Page 61, Seager
(22) Page 9, Crook, Lintott, Rawson
(23) Page 2, Wilson
(24) Page 63, Seager
(25) Page 13, Crook, Lintott, Rawson

Bibliography:
--Sallust, The Jugurthine War/The Conspiracy of Catiline. Translation and Introduction: Handford, S.A.; Penguin Books, Harmondsworth: 1963
--Waters, K.H. “Cicero, Sallust and Catiline.” (course packet)
-- Seager, Robin. Pompey: A Political Biography. Basil Blackwell Press, Oxford: 1979
-- Adkins, Lesley and Adkins, Roy A. Handbook to Life in Ancient Rome. Facts on File, New York: 1994
--Fowler, W. Warde. Social Life at Rome in the Age of Cicero. Norwood Press, Norwood: 1909
--Abbott, Frank Frost. History and the Description of Roman Political Institutions, The Athenaeum Press, Boston: 1901
-- Taylor, Lily Ross. Party Politics in the Age of Caesar, University of California Press, Berkley and LA: 1949
-- Millar, Fergus. The Crowd in Rome in the Late Republic, University of Michigan Press, Ann Arbor: 1998
--Editors: Crook, J.A.; Lintott, Andrew; Rawson, Elizabeth. The Cambridge Ancient History: The Last Age of the Roman Republic, 146-43BC, Volume IX, 2nd Edition. Cambridge University Press, Cambridge: 1994.
--Wilson, Ronald C. Ancient Republicanism: Its Struggle for Liberty Against Corruption, Series X; Political Science Vol. 20. American University Studies, Peter Lang Publishers, New York: 1975
-- Vanderbroeck, Paul J. Popular Leadership and Collective Behavior in the Late Roman Republic (ca. 80-50BC). J.J.C. Giebon Publishers, Amsterdam: 1987
-- Kraus, C.S. and Woodman, A.J. “Latin Historians.” Greece and Rome: New Surveys in the Classics No. 27. Oxford University Press: 1997
--Scanlon, Thomas Francis. The Influence of Thucydides on Sallust, Carl Winter Universitatsverlag, Heidelberg: 1980.

I ain't spell checkin this, so screw you if I spelled something wrong

Hmmm, yes. I am equally fascinated by the news that Adele and I have a stalker. Hello, boy! Yes, you. The one who has never met me but reads all of my posts religiously, hoping to glean a piece of information in the desperate hope that it will yield a bit of truth about Adele's life. It's nice not to have to bear the heavy load of a stalker for once. And don't be afraid, little stalker. We like you just as you are.

My neck is now numb. Time for sleep. I'm up to page 13.5. I got to page 10, then went downstairs and watched ER. I used to wonder, whenever I would go to lectures from famous writers, why it is that everyday, they only wrote about 3-4 hours. I understand now. It is physically impossible to sit down at a computer and write for more than 5 hours without your body going numb and your eyes twitching.

I just want to be a rockstar
I just want to get paid
I just want to be a rockstar
I just want to get laid


I have the suspicion that, like my mother, I will always be stuck in between the crazy and delightful world of the not-quite-grown-up, and the mature, resposible world of my father. Playing the part of the bohemian eccentric only holds my interest for so long. I get very bored with my image, and I like to change it up a lot. I get the sneaking suspicion, however, that my need for change makes me pathetic in some way, like I have no personality. I think my core is the same, but my layers change. Its a lot like the fact that different impurities make different kinds of quartz; its all quartz, just different colors.

I have to hopscotch around my room to get from the bed to the door to the desk. I need to clean.

My old roommate stopped by today. She was telling me about body piercings, which was wicked cool. Apparently, this Kim K. girl or whoever has the following piercings:
1) Various ear related piercings
2) Upper lip
3) 8 down her spine
4) Her clevage (subsequently removed when she realized boys now had an excuse to stare at her breasts)
5) Her hood (two comments: OUCH! and WHY? wait, don't tell me)
6) 2 nipple piercings per breast (one horizental, one vertical, making a cross shape)
This does not strike me as the kind of girl who has her life quite figured out. This does, however, sound like the kind of name dropping princess who would name drop music genres like "grindcore" and "scremo". She sounds like the art crowd I hung out with in highschool. All painters. And all who have seen "The Decline of Western Civilization" know what I think of painters.

I dreamed about water again last night. But instead of being in a flooded city, like I was earlier, I was in the middle of an ocean. I had to dive to the bottom to look for something. I came back, but the boy I was with didn't. I think he wanted to stay and look at the sea turtles.

What makes you hot?
Something that you want
but you haven't got
Isn't it that way
just a game to play


The numbness is spreading to my fingers. I should sign off.

In related news, I found a corset for $62, marginally better than the one Victoria Secret was offering for $78. But the question remains, do I spend that much money for an artricle of clothing that few people will ever see? Surely I can mix and match it with something....

You can take the girl out of the goth, but you can't take the goth out of the girl. The strange thing is, I've been macabre and dark and weird ever since I can remember. But considering what my first memories are of, thats not really shocking. Don't tell anyone, but when I was 4, I saw a monster under my bed. It had green eyes. When I yelled for mom and dad, it had disappeared. Where do those monsters go?

Maybe they crawl inside you. Maybe they never leave.

I used to know a girl...
she had two pierced nipples
and a black tattoo
I can hear them talking in the
real world
but they don't understand that
I'm happy in hell
with my heroin girl
I am losing myself in a
white-trash hell
lost inside a heroin girl

--Everclear

We know who you are. Yes, YOU. You are sitting in your dorm room, hunched over your keyboard, surreptitiously reading and re-reading every post made to the capitalist mafia site. We know you love us.

We're nice, really. We don't bite. (At least I don't. I can't speak for Mary.) If you are furtively and obsessively reading this, and I don't know about it, I want you to IM me. The screen name: "my name is adele." Tell me that my emo article is brilliant. Tell me that I'm a dork and I need a haircut. Whatever, just talk to me.

I've always wanted a cult following. You are helping me fulfill my dreams.

Thursday, December 06, 2001

I am not ready to grow up. I want to play the guitar in front of a mirror and pretend I'm the front woman of an awesome hardcore band. I want to do something ugly and extreme to my appearence (think x-head). I want to walk around like a crazy punk with a lot of unfocused anger and write songs about how much I hate suburbia. I don't want to become old and responsible and content and bland. I want to be a rockstar.

Every time I walk around Belmont, I see people who are my age or older still acting out the punk rock persona-- kids in 70s leather jackets covered in 1" pins, a 20-something woman with multi-colored dred locks, a girl in striped tights and knee-high boots, people smoking cigarettes and laughing, not giving a damn about conventions and expectations. Maybe they're not college educated, maybe they'll never make more than $20,000 a year, maybe they don't think about life in terms of a greater philosophical scheme. But they're free and happy and they're doing their own thing.

I have this recurring impulse to quit college, get a crappy job, live in a crappy apartment, and just feel like myself for a few years.

I don't hate it here, in fact lately, I rather like it. And I even think that I'm going to be happy as a journalist in the future. But I am scared of how quickly I am hurtling toward adulthood. I feel a kind of urgency and desperation to get myself beat up in mosh pits, color my hair purple, and act-out my angst while it's still somewhat permissible.

I have some advice for people in middle school or high school - Don't worry about fitting in. Don't take yourself too seriously. Don't try to be normal. You have your whole adult life to do that. DO SOMETHING BIZARRE.

new and improved and ready to be seen-- here.

8 pages in 3 hours. I am a god.

I had a "friend" who had a pair of these. trust me, your feet are so mangled after an hour of wearing them you have to ice them down. But hey, she did get all the guys....

Wednesday, December 05, 2001

I won't be able to do my date justice tonight because my 20 page paper is still not done. So, until then, I'm going to archive a nickd post, since he refuses to do so:

warfordium: i hope you find love, nickd.
warfordium: and i hope you dont lose it.
boy with purpose: so do i.
[30 minutes pass]
boy with purpose: dude.
boy with purpose: never wish me good luck on this shit ever again :D
boy with purpose: lemme tell you a story
warfordium: k.
boy with purpose: my roommate has two friends that he knows from back home visit for the evening
boy with purpose: so they come up to the room
warfordium: k.
boy with purpose: we talk a bit
warfordium: uh-huh
boy with purpose: i'm here with my friend derek
boy with purpose: (this was 10 minutes ago)
boy with purpose: they leave
warfordium: 'sup derek
boy with purpose: and we think they're gone
warfordium: emphasis on 'think'
boy with purpose: yes.
boy with purpose: and i go to derek "the one of them was cute... that one not in the red vest"
boy with purpose: "yeah"
boy with purpose: tony shouts out "nick? we're in the hallway"
boy with purpose: AND SO IT WAS
warfordium: oy
boy with purpose: ~fin~
warfordium: done and done.
warfordium: may you have a terrible romantic future

Have you ever had one of those days that you're going to look back at in, like, ten or eleven years, and either laugh your ass off at or grow totally suicidal about?

Today is one of those days.

[End of nickd article]

There's this terrfic song by Jump, Little Children called "Body parts" which has been swimming in my head all day. After tonight's soiree, it seems all the more fitting:

What makes you hot?
Something which you want
but you haven't got
isn’t that the way
just a game to play
all day--well, I say
you can bring the ice
but sweating will suffice
body parts are nice


[Tongue in cheek, kids]

It's finally here! You can now view the long awaited emo article. Just so you know, this is only the first draft and I'll be revising and reposting tomorrow.

Mary is out on a date (sinister laugh-- I'll let her tell you about that one) and I am bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. And I have a headache, so that rules out reading and surfing around the internet. Arg.

This week, and throughout most of next, with the tentative, though doubtful, exception of Friday night, all accounts between me and my friends at NU will be frozen. I have no wish to communicate with you, and I have no wish for you to communicate with me. Legal action will be taken against all those who contact me and proceed to bore me and waste my time. That is all

Obviously, adele is exempt from this.

Tuesday, December 04, 2001

After work today, around 9pm, I went down to the lakefill. It was so cool out, perfect. Light breeze. Orange clouds.

The air used to be like that, in early Texas mornings, early morning. I'd be up at 545, waiting for my ride to church. Becca was always late, driving up in her huge SUV, back before they were cool--9th grade--Sublime bass lines thumping from the doors. But waiting for her, with the orange lights of the street lamps slipping down my clavicle, it was so still, so cool. Like tonight, but with the sadness. With the guilt. Waiting for my chance to go to church and counteract the enormity of the sins I was committing. The stars were still out; they didn't disappear until 6:30. Sometimes I wouldn't even go in the chapel when I got to church; I'd sit with the goth girls on the curb counting stars and waiting for Ryan Lauch to come by. To this day he remains the most beautiful man I've ever seen up close, and the most beautiful mormon man in creation. He comes over to my house sometimes, to chat with my mom and I. He is the only man I can't talk to. I have never been good around pretty people.

I like wind, when it hits you just hard enough to push you along. It pushed me along, past the bridge (the lakefill looked like a shimmering pool of unrefind oil, an OPEC dream), past the chain link fences and up a hill. I saw a rat. He wasn't a clean, pretty rat, like the kind I would let run up and down my shoulders in Honors English, Orlovsky, 4th period. It looked like a dead squirrel, where all of the fur had fallen off the tail. He plopped into the water, like a trout. There was no moon out, just the shine from the southern rising, ever burning Chicago solar system. It was hard to pick myself through the weeds and the boulders to get to my slab of rock. It was wet, but I didn't care. I sat down, shoulders aching from work. Hands covered in book vomit. Eyes hurting from lack of sleep, studying. I pulled up the back of my shirt and pressed my skin onto the concrete chunk.

Up until I was 9 or 10, I used to have a love affair with linoleum. I would wait until I was alone, then pull up my shirt and lie on my cold kitchen floor. I liked the way, and I still do like the way, rock and stone feel against my bare skin. I like the idea that, after a while, my body heats up the floor, transferring the heat of my belly into the the ground. Mom caught me when I was 9 or so, and she made me feel so stupid for doing it at such an old age that I stopped altogether.

The water off the lake was a murky grey, and so was the eastern sky. The water stretched on and on and touched seamlessly with the sky. The harder I would stare, the more they would blend, like my cataracts were becoming prematurely blotched and calloused. The only way I could see the horizon was to trick my eyes, screwing them to the side. Even then, all I could catch was a thin orange grey line, almost imperceptible.

I didn't break at the Harvard Debate tournament that year, and since I was in Boston, I called up Ian and we hung out in Cambridge. Ian always wore the most spectacular shirts; they were one of his many sly eccentricities. We took creative writing in Oxford together, and he became friends with me, he later revealed, because he was impressed with my pants. Anyone who wore pants like mine, he argued, was someone who was a necessary accessory for his life. Ian took me to one of those hideous Ragstock-esque stores that sold clothing by the pound. We went upstairs, and there was a hole in the floor. He took some change from his pocket, and dropping the coins one by one through the hole, yelled "Pennies from heaven! Pennies from Heaven!"

The wind was whipping my hair around tonight, making it even more disorderly then usual. I was sprawled out on that rock, and a million thoughts were swimming around in my head, like always. When I'm alone, thoughts just seem to multiply and grow and suffocate. It's a good suffocation-asphyxiation by memory. I was scared, mostly. I'm scared of the dark, and I was scared that horrible rat would come and attack me and give me rabies which would turn into gangrene and cause my legs to fall off like my Biology teachers father who bought a Texas-two-step tape even though he had just had his right leg amputated. And I stayed; when I'm scared, i try and build my tolerance. It's not good to go through life whimpering and afraid, I imagine. Besides, when I become scared or hurt, my immediate reaction is with violence and anger.

I do not fly. I fight. I am Petrarch incarnate. I am a homologous collection of scraps of metal and pretty pictures. I draw in charcoal. I walk like a dyke. I dream about Venice and violent deaths. I don't dream about sex. I dream about finding my home. I am happiness, bittersweet, before its been mixed into gingerbread.

If you don't understand any of this, or if you think this entire post is random, you haven't been reading it closely enough.

Highlights from the onion:

The Human Clone Controversy:
Last week, scientists announced the first-ever cloning of a human embryo, which they hope to mine for stem cells to treat diseases. What do you think?
--"A whole population of identical-looking human beings? This chilling dystopian vision has already come to pass in the fall J. Crew catalog."


Improving Olympic Security:
The Events os September 11 have prompted a security overhaul for the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City. Among the measures:
--Turning Salt Lake City into hyper-paranoid, walled-off religious compound
--Hoping that terrorists, like everyone else, have no desire to visit Salt Lake City


Horoscopes:
Aries: (March 21—April 19)
Your life will be lauded by parents' groups for containing no sex, drugs, profanity, violence, or adult situations.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Your biggest weakness is not, as you believe, your lack of self-confidence. It's the two-inch soft spot in your aorta.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Your fears of becoming a trendy but bland person deepen when you are featured on page 77 of the IKEA catalog.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Your dream wedding hits an unexpected snag when you fail to obtain the rights to Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train."

Instead of doing work, I have been rereading 1984. This is easily the tenth or eleventh time I've read the book, and I am still struck by the beauty of Orwell's language. Below is my favorite passage. It's rather long, so feel no compulsion to read all of it, but it's really quite beautiful and also an excellent way to procrastinate from your work.

As he fastened the belt of his overalls he strolled across to the window. The sun must have gone down behind the houses; it was not shining into the yard any longer. The flagstones were wet as though they had just been washed, and he had the feeling that the sky had been washed too, so fresh and pale was the blue between the chimney-pots. Tirelessly the woman marched to and fro, corking and uncorking herself, singing and falling silent, and pegging out more diapers, and more and yet more. He wondered whether she took in washing for a living or was merely the slave of twenty or thirty grandchildren. Julia had come across to his side; together they gazed down with a sort of fascination at the sturdy figure below. As he looked at the woman in her characteristic attitude, her thick arms reaching up for the line, her powerful mare-like buttocks protruded, it struck him for the first time that she was beautiful. It had never before occurred to him that the body of a woman of fifty, blown up to monstrous dimensions by childbearing, then hardened, roughened by work till it was coarse in the grain like an over-ripe turnip, could be beautiful. But it was so, and after all, he thought, why not? The solid, contourless body, like a block of granite, and the rasping red skin, bore the same relation to the body of a girl as the rose-hip to the rose. Why should the fruit be held inferior to the flower?

'She's beautiful,' he murmured.

'She's a metre across the hips, easily,' said Julia.

'That is her style of beauty,' said Winston.

He held Julia's supple waist easily encircled by his arm. From the hip to the knee her flank was against his. Out of their bodies no child would ever come. That was the one thing they could never do. Only by word of mouth, from mind to mind, could they pass on the secret. The woman down there had no mind, she had only strong arms, a warm heart, and a fertile belly. He wondered how many children she had given birth to. It might easily be fifteen. She had had her momentary flowering, a year, perhaps, of wild-rose beauty and then she had suddenly swollen like a fertilized fruit and grown hard and red and coarse, and then her life had been laundering, scrubbing, darning, cooking, sweeping, polishing, mending, scrubbing, laundering, first for children, then for grandchildren, over thirty unbroken years. At the end of it she was still singing. The mystical reverence that he felt for her was somehow mixed up with the aspect of the pale, cloudless sky, stretching away behind the chimney-pots into interminable distance. It was curious to think that the sky was the same for everybody, in Eurasia or Eastasia as well as here. And the people under the sky were also very much the same -- everywhere, all over the world, hundreds of thousands of millions of people just like this, people ignorant of one another's existence, held apart by walls of hatred and lies, and yet almost exactly the same -- people who had never learned to think but who were storing up in their hearts and bellies and muscles the power that would one day overturn the world. If there was hope, it lay in the proles! Without having read to the end of the book, he knew that that must be Goldstein's final message. The future belonged to the proles. And could he be sure that when their time came the world they constructed would not be just as alien to him, Winston Smith, as the world of the Party? Yes, because at the least it would be a world of sanity. Where there is equality there can be sanity. Sooner or later it would happen, strength would change into consciousness. The proles were immortal, you could not doubt it when you looked at that valiant figure in the yard. In the end their awakening would come. And until that happened, though it might be a thousand years, they would stay alive against all the odds, like birds, passing on from body to body the vitality which the Party did not share and could not kill.

'Do you remember,' he said, 'the thrush that sang to us, that first day, at the edge of the wood?'

'He wasn't singing to us,' said Julia. 'He was singing to please himself. Not even that. He was just singing.'

The birds sang, the proles sang. the Party did not sing. All round the world, in London and New York, in Africa and Brazil, and in the mysterious, forbidden lands beyond the frontiers, in the streets of Paris and Berlin, in the villages of the endless Russian plain, in the bazaars of China and Japan -- everywhere stood the same solid unconquerable figure, made monstrous by work and childbearing, toiling from birth to death and still singing. Out of those mighty loins a race of conscious beings must one day come. You were the dead, theirs was the future. But you could share in that future if you kept alive the mind as they kept alive the body, and passed on the secret doctrine that two plus two make four.

I watchede Annie Hall tonight, and it was significantly more depressing then I remember it being. I loved it and I laughed harder at a lot of the jokes, but it had this pervasive tone of loss that I found really important now that I'm older. It was the theme of trying to mold someone into your ideal, only to screw up and mangle what made them dear to you in the first place. Annie starts off the movie so innocent, so happy and carefree, and by the end, Alvie has turned her into a hard, self-absorbed, worldly person. And his intentions were the best, but he was playing with something so fragile. And I think, whenever we try to mold someone we're dating, we try and play God, and we don't always succeed. Something gets lost.

Jeanette Winterson once said that innocence isn't a virtue, innocence is stupidity. And what annoys me is that 8 years of private school education, a slew of traveling, foreign stays, and European education hasn't kept me from keeping my innocence. I see the world so differently from how most people see it. Its surreal to me, like a living movie or play, but it isn't all that tangible. The people I interact with, outside of my family, all seem to be actors; most of them have no names or faces. I don't think of the consequences of my actions, I live dramatically. Everything down to what I wear, my ideas, my world view, all reflect a certain bohemian extravegance. And I think I'm facing, for the first time, the idea that reality is different from this magical world I've wrapped around myself. I'm sure I need to grow up, and become more like my mother--more practical, more grounded, more solid. Somehow, I don't think so. Somehow I'll always be my dad's girl--the little girl who entered science fairs and took extra geology courses, who would do algebra problems over summer vacation for fun, who would read Aeschylus and Joyce when she was 13.

The little girl who has gone to college and wasted away whatever talent she was given

Monday, December 03, 2001

My guidance councilor at Binghamton High School had a poster on his office wall that said, "Conformity Eliminates Complications." As a high school student, I was usually able to laugh at it. In retrospect, I am disturbed by the fact that an "educator" could agree with such a sentiment.

"Orthodoxy is not thinking, not needing to think. Orthodoxy is unconsciousness." _G. Orwell, 1984

Fun, frenetic weekend. Got back together with the boy on Friday, had a classy lunch downtown with the posse on Saturday, met up with Aaron Suggs at the Saves the Day concert on Sunday.

I got the most wonderful letter from my brother today. If you go to NU, I invite you to stop by and see it, because words cannot do justice to this masterpiece. It is five pages long and illustrated. In the thanksgiving illustration, Bob draws six people in a circle, labeled as different members of my extended family. Every figure looks exactly the same, except the women have hair. In the middle of the circle, he draws another person, who looks exactly like everyone else, except he is labeled, "turkey." I miss my family.

Saves the Day was quite fun, even though Mary couldn't find a ticket. There was pseudo moshing and lots of singing along. Chris Conley is possibly the cutest human being to walk the face of the earth. He danced like an awkward little emo boy, high-fived people in the audience, and accepted candy and notes from kids who handed them to him. Shoulder to the Wheel and Rocks Tonic Juice Magic were especially awesome. The encore was a drag though, because they kept playing the first few chords of You Vandal, a much cooler song than At Your Funeral, which is the song they actually played. A tease. Lame.

Sunday, December 02, 2001

I did have a TS Eliot quote here, but I swapped it for one from Atlas Shrugged instead. I was talking to this friend of mine, Dallas, not Chicago, the other day, and he was telling me that his girlfriend was about to break up with him because he was too apathetic for her. I told him I was sorry, and he told me it didn't matter, he was just dating her and sleeping with her because it gave him something to do. So I was reminded of the following:

"The men who think that wealth comes from material resources and has no intellectual root or meaning, are the men who think - for the same reason - that sex is a physical capacity that functions independently of one's mind, choice, or code of values. They think that your body creates a desire and makes a choice for you - just about in some such way as if iron ore transformed itself into railroad rails of its own volition. Love is blind they say; sex is impervious to reason and mocks the power of all philosophers. But, in fact, a man's sexual choice is the sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life. Show me the woman he sleeps with and I will tell you his valuation of himself. No matter what corruption he's taught about the virtue of selflessness, sex is the most profoundly selfish of all acts, an act which he cannot perform for any motive but his own enjoyment - just try to think of performing it in selfless charity!- an act which is not possible in self-abasement, only in self-exultation, only in the confidence of being desired and being worthy of desire. It is an act that forces him to stand naked in spirit, as well as in body, and to accept his real ego as his standard of value. He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman who's surrender permits him to experience - or to fake - a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value, will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer - because only the possession of a heroine will give him a sense of achievement, not the possession of a brainless slut. He does not seek to gain his own value, he seeks to express it. There is no conflict between the standards of his mind and the desires of his body. But the man who is convinced of his own worthlessness will be drawn to a woman he despises - because she will reflect his own secret self, she will release him that objective reality in which he is a fraud, she will give him a momentary illusion of his own value and a momentary escape from the moral code that damns him. Observe the ugly mess which most men make of their sex lives - and observe the mess of contradictions which they hold as their moral philosophy. One proceeds from the other. Love is our response to our highest values - and can be nothing else. Let a man corrupt his values and his view of existence, let him profess that love is not self-enjoyment but self-denial, that virtue consists, not of pride, but of pity or pain or weakness or sacrifice, that the noblest love is born, not of admiration, but of charity, not in response to values, but in response to flaws - and he will cut himself in two. His body will not obey him, it will not respond, it will make him impotent toward the women he professes to love and draw him to the lowest type of whore he can find. His body will always follow the ultimate logic of his deepest convictions; if he believes that flaws are values, he has damned existence as evil and only the evil will attract him. He has damned himself and he will feel that depravity is all he is worthy of enjoying. He has equated virtue with pain and he will feel that vice is the only realm of pleasure. Then he will scream that his body has vicious desires of its own which his mind cannot conquer, that sex is sin, that true love is a pure emotion of the spirit. And then he wonder why love brings him nothing but boredom, and sex - nothing but shame."

Saturday, December 01, 2001

I am happy.

Not a bad day for someone who is "too weird" for normal individuals' company.

I want to dream of money and water and tall buildings tonight.

Friday, November 30, 2001

I confess
Everyone is overweight
And I'm obsessed
Talking is just masturbating
Without the mess
Addiction leaves you sad today
And unimpressed
I can't remember all the names
Everyone you meet today
Is just so fucking vain

Bored again by happiness
All those friends I've lost in there

I'm upset
Happiness is not a fish
That you can catch
Imagination can't resist
This laziness
That pins you down,
get on your knees
Everyone you meet today
Is feeling useless and ashamed

--Our lady peace
(Canada's only decent musical export)

I'm sorry I keep dwelling on this, but I am utterly fascinated by this "ManBeef" concept. I should move on, but I want certainty. Is this a joke, or is it for real? Is there a human meat market? And if there is, why is it so overrun with traffic? And then ethical questions come up: would it be right to order a pound of human kabob cubes? Is that sick? Why is it sick? Why is it immoral to consume people who have died of natural causes, and are harvested in a safe way? These issues are at the forfront of my fascination with this site, which may possibly be a joke. but but but....so weird. The meat slices they present are the wrong color to be beef, which is red and thicker consistancy. Pork, because of the shape of the pig, is cut differently. Mutton it yellowish, kind of creamy in color. So what kind of meat are they using for these photos?

the JSR should totally right a grindcore song about this.

Thursday, November 29, 2001

*Shudder.*

Mary and I are starting a band called January's Saccharine Revenge. We're still defining our style, but so far we fall somewhere between screamo and grindcore. Some aspects of our old band, Children of the Porn, will be revived with this new project, including a heavy emphasis on lyrics pertaining to venereal disease. However, the purely emo aesthetic of CotP was bothering both of us, I think. We want to retain the emotional sincerity of CotP, while expressing a certain edginess that frankly CotP's self-mockery prevented from being fully realized in their music. Think of JSR as emo for edgy people.

I'm going to have to agree with adele about the drama thing. Up until college I've always lived my life in long slumps of boredom, punctuated by moments of intense energy and passion. Since I've been in college, I go through life in a lukewarm malaise, talking to people about their problems (which they talk about dispassionatly). Everyone, including myself, lives comfortably, with no drama at all. Despite adele and my rather unspectacular breakups (wow--we're back to exactly the same places we started! The drama! The intrigue!), our lives are without moments of spontanity and inspiration. Maybe because I can't spell, but I think it's something else. Everyone puts their passion away into mundane, boring things: video games, drinking, weblogs, homework. Heaven forbid we should ever go out one night and live our youth, actually do something new.

And I'm not going to exclude myself from any of this. I'm just as apathetic as the 5 readers of this webpage. I see the brilliant patches of my life getting dimmer, and they aren't being replaced. I'm afraid my life will steep further and further in monotony until I'm bleached out, like my grandparents.

Can you have calculated spontanity? I think so. I should try it. But until I can coerce others, or find my own means to live my life passionatly again, I should just shut up. What was it the bassist for Metallica said? People don't burn out by going to fast. They burn out by growing old and boring.
Splinters in the eye
Sentiments remain

I slept with my hair in braids last night. It looks like my hair is crimped. Rock out!

So now that it's day 4 without eating, I'm easing myself back into food consumption. The trick is to starve yourself without your bodies metabolism shutting down. I had half a meal today, and I hope to be back to my usual schedule of one meal a day by Monday. I am disgusting, and I'm really annoyed with myself that I let myself get to this stage.

However, I've been wrapping myself up in the new Pumpkins album, Judas O. It's mostly machina and adore outtakes, so its beautiful and sweet and slow. I can't decide if my favorite song is "My mistake" or "soot and stars." They're both so quiet and sad, and they're perfect for this soul-crushing Chicago winter.

Soot in my head
and stars in my hands
Soot in my head
and stars in my hands

Wednesday, November 28, 2001

I think that I live for moments of intensity and drama. I adore climactic interactions. I long for musical crescendos to accompany life-altering occurrences. Most of my favorite memories involve huge screaming matches, dramatic exits, or bitter tears. Drama makes life feel meaningful; it reminds me that I am alive and impassioned and ready to change the world. I will always be willing to act and feel and engage fully with people and ideas, no matter how many times I get hurt. I want to experience everything. I want to be an active participant in my own life. I want to care.

I haven't actually written anything about me in a while, and since you all are, I'm sure, dying to know the latest developments in my life, I'm taking the time now to tell you.

Whenever I'm feeling lame or generally annoyed, I tend to write very emotionally self-indulgent garbage. I am a writer, this is my therapy. Once it's written out, it's gone. However, whenever I have real problems, I don't talk about them and I don't write about them. So, I will not tell you anything about my Thanksgiving break, other than I saw Harry Potter and Monster's Inc with my family. Both were quite adorable. My brother has this new Harry Potter fixation, and he runs around in a felt coat and plastic glasses, waving a plastic wand and yelling "trificus totallus." He is only four, so this is, needless to say, beyond cute. I also managed to see Gob/The Vandals/and Sum 41 with my best friend Bonnie. We left a little early, and cutting through the back alley, we run into the lead singer of the Vandals, heading towards his tour bus. I say, "hi!" like a frickin' retard because he took me by suprise. My sister and Bonnie didn't even notice who I was talking to until it was too late. My sister, a huge vandal's fan, was quite angry. It was like that time we ran into the queen of england and margaret was too busy tying her shoe to say hello.

Mostly I've been working since I got back. Working and working and working. All day. In fact, I don't even know why I'm doing this, since I have work. I hate living my life this way, I detest it. I just want to be able to do things like go down to the lake and just sit, or go into town and do character sketches. And I feel guilty that even though I'm working so hard I'm not fufilling all my obligations, especially my familial ones. This all sounds terribly unobjctivist of me, so I don't expect those of you with more philosophical purity to understand.

I bought most of my Christmas/festivus presents for everyone yesterday, but some people are still a bit tricky. Curse you, natale! curse you, disabato! I think I may wind up refusing to give anything other than gift certificates to anyone in Elder.

Adele and I took willard by force last night, putting up dozens of fliers for kidrock. We specifically attacked Mr. Riggins, giving him the full weight of Kid Rock's promotional glory: posters, bumperstickers, and fliers. So I get this IM from riggins and he's all, "who's kid rock?" I had this mental cringe, because, at least in Texas, you couldn't bloody get away from that song for all of junior year. You know the one. The cowboy song. I hated it at first, but after the 2,000th time, I feel in love. The idea that people in MN are so sheltered from southern white trash music is disheartening. So I sent him "American Badass" and "Cowboy," which he polietly pretended to like. Kid Rock has great nostalgic overtones. I used to ditch school at lunch time my junior and senior year and roll out to eat with Bonnie, Monica, IB, whoever wanted to go. Monica would blast out Limp Bizkit and Britney Spears, but every car trip someone had to play kid rock. It's just a southern thing. Kid rock, with a dash of Bon Jovi, Metallica, and Guns n' Roses always makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

I want this for Christmas so badly. And yet, do I dare spend the money on something few will see?

I am so tired my eyes burn. And I'm sick. But on the plus side, this is day 3 without eating, not counting a momentary lapse of concentration Monday night at Giordanos. I've only had 3 cokes in three days...I'm so proud of myself. If I keep this up, I can eat by Friday. I tell my mother all this the other night, and she's like, "really? That's great! Margaret's starving herself for winter formal! She wants to be 135 by December 8th." Starvation is not really taken very seriously in our house, mostly because we're all so practical about it. My sister and I usually start eating again whenever we get bored with it. One of these days I'll come up with a healthier means of weight loss, but as for now this is the only one that doesn't require me excercising.

On that note, back to work.

Tuesday, November 27, 2001

This apparently deserves an A-. I'm not so sure.

To anyone looking for Jose or Joe C, welcome to our mecca of enlightenment and good times. We have a large amount of sweet Kid Rock lovin' reserved especially for you.

Do you remember that lovely depressing song by Travis called "Why Does It Always Rain on Me?" Green Day recorded a cover version of it. I can't find words to describe how much I love this song. It is the most wonderful thing I have ever heard, EVER.

From despair.com:
It's official. Your credit card number is valid. Even as we speak, money is virtually flying out of your pocket and into our bank account. As you wait an indeterminable span for the order to arrive, your enthusiasm for this purchase will wane and be replaced with an alloy of buyer's remorse tempered with unease about the ridiculous interest rates you're paying on your credit card. And Another Dissatisfied Customer™ is born!
You should receive an email shortly notifying you of your order number, final cost and how to track your order status. This will only reinforce your unease, and at no additional cost!

You're more than just another order to us. In fact, you're the sum total of the amount you've spent with us, minus the designing, printing, fulfillment, licensing and other costs incurred to bring our products to you... Now that you've given us several dollars, feel free to share your two cents with us, as well.


With every order made, Despair, Inc.™ offers my unlimited personal guarantee. With every credit card effectively processed, my personal satisfaction is completely guaranteed*. And it is my promise to you, the holder of someone's valid credit card information, to commit myself to even greater degrees of self-satisfaction in the days and weeks to come, as I invest your hard-earned money in ever more gratuitious and hollow displays of wealth- with which I will intimidate and demoralize my narcissistic and materialistic peers in industry. Ah, the relentless pursuit of dejection!

* customer satisfaction, while theoretically possible, is neither guaranteed nor statistically likely.

(Note: I wrote this, and then wondered for a long time if it was ok to post it. Break-up posts are a terrible convention of weblogs. But what the hell. I didn't say anything that I wouldn't want someone else to read.)

I too am now single. And I'm really sad, although I guess I'm the one who decided to end it.

It's terribly strange, because neither G nor I wants it to end. We agree that the two months we were together were unadulteratedly good. I can't think of a time that I was with him that I didn't feel completely happy and understood. We're a lot alike and we made a really sincere connection. Gaurav is a great person.

We both know that this is a necessary decision, but that doesn't make it suck any less.


At least now I have a temporary excuse to listen to emo and cry.

Monday, November 26, 2001

randian egoist: find me a pic of mary jones
randian egoist: i wonder what she looks like
boy with purpose: i am utterly convinced that no pictures exist of mary jones
randian egoist: 'HI IM NICKD D .. I OWN A DIG CAM BUT WONT TAKE NOODEY PICS OF DAGNY, I MEAN, MARY BCUZ I SUXEZ'

My day has been made.

And for all those interested, there is one picture of me on the internet. I've posted it to avoid these things in the future. See here.
So I'm back at NU. I have a suitcase full of contraband. This includes:
1) Annie Hall
2) Sleeper
3) Happy Gilmore
4) Billy Madison
5) 10 Things I Hate About You
6) A Christmas Story
7) Scrooged
8) Music From Another Room
9) Delicatessen

These are all wonderful movies. As far as the rest of my break, I don't want to talk about it. So don't ask

This weekend "alone" at NU had the potential to suck a great amount, but instead it was fun.

Tidbits of excitement from the past four days:

1) I saw two Linklater movies- one in the theater (hmm... guess which one) and one rented from Davis Street Video.
2) I went to an improv comedy club in Chicago with some cool cats.
3) I played X-Box with aforementioned cool cats.
4) I listened to some really awesome music that I've never heard before. (Thanks, Mark!)
5) I played the guitar loudly and badly for several hours without pause.
6) I saw Dismemberment Plan, live and rockin' at the Metro.

In other news, Mark is cool, and so is his cosmos.

Saturday, November 24, 2001

I am bad at updating this blog, and I am bad at giving an entertaining account of my life. I am also bad at writing fiction.

But I am brilliant at writing news and non-fiction. If you have any interest in a) slightly out of date City of Evanston news or b) kick ass journalistic writing, view this, and try not to be blinded by its shiny goodness.

P.S. thank you to all who emailed me after my plea for mail. You made my break much more tolerable.

Friday, November 23, 2001

I'm not allowed to use computers on my vacation, so this will be my only post. And I'd like to ask some questions:

1) Does the world fall apart when I'm not around to hold it together, or am I so egocentric as to think my presence actually has any real importance in people's lives?

2) Who am i?

3) Where do I belong?

4) Am I crazy?

5) Why is it funny that my parents fight 4 times a day over stupid things like ants?

My life at home is crazy and tense and bizarre and strange, but at least it's never boring.

Footsteps. Bye. Hope you had a good thanksgiving, adele! Miss you!

Wednesday, November 21, 2001

Holy crapola, my last post is messed up in the extreme. Blogger won't let me edit it.

Corrections: Aliens and its parallels to... AND I am here at NU over the thanksgiving holiday, and I will surely be bored and lonely.

Forthcoming: Commentary on Aliens and its parallels to Campbell's "Hero With a Thousand Faces" and Faulkner's "The Bear."
Now: Chipotle

Also: I am here at NU over the Thanksgiving holiday, and I will surely be bored and lonely. I want you to e-mail me.

Tuesday, November 20, 2001

Rest Assured and Hangnail rocked the McCulloch lounge tonight for about 40 enthusiastic NU punks and emo kids.

Rest Assured opened their set with the earth-shaking announcement that they had changed their name to Monday's Hero. They then proceeded to crank out a surprisingly entertaining set. They sounded a lot like The Ataris. The lead singer earned 20 punk points when he told the following story:

"I got a chicken fried steak sandwich from Amoco on the way here. It didn't just make me want to vomit; it made me want to die." That line rivals the classic, "I hate painters."

The lead singer for Hangnail sounded a lot like Chris Conley from Saves the Day. They were all fun and rock music until the lead singer began explaining, "We're all Christian guys in this band. And although I'm a Christian guy, I'm not always a good guy. But it just blows my mind how God will always forgive you, and so that's what a lot of our songs are about." Umm. yes.

At the end of the show, I interviewed members of both bands for my final project for my newswriting class (I am a journalism dork). Guys from both bands were super nice to me, probably because no one had ever wanted to interview them before.

I also interviewed a bunch of fans. The best thing anyone said to me all night was in response to the weighty question: what does 'emo' mean to you?

"It’s the only hard music that you can do ‘this’ to,” he said swaying back and forth with his hands in his pockets. “And I guess you can wear sweaters and cry if you want. Yeah, you stand there doing ‘this’ and sometimes you cry.”

Hangnail's dark and brooding second guitar player complimented my puffy red coat as I was leaving. Sweetness.

love, rock music, and a five page paper due tomorrow,
adele

Monday, November 19, 2001

Lolloping with edith.

So yeah, today was busy. But I remembered, waiting for the el, how much i love living my life.

This evening, I made a romantic conquest. I dazzled a truck driver who thought I was a Cold backup dancer. Or a stripper. More details will be forthcoming.

I'm going to bed. I am a loser, because I couldn't go to hangnail. So here are some Hole lyrics that have been swimming through my head:

give me a reason to be beautiful
so sick in his body, so sick in his soul
and i will make myself so beautiful
and everything i am
miles and miles of perfect skin
i swear i do, i fit right in
my love burns through everything
i cannot breathe
miles and miles of perfect sin
i swear, i said, i fit right in
i fit right in your perfect skin
i cannot breathe
give me a reason to be beautiful
so sick in his body, so sick in his soul
i'll give you my body, just sell me your soul

and they say in the end you'll get bitter just like them
and they steal your heart away
when the fire goes out you better learn to fake
it's better to rise than fade away......

My weekend was cooler than yours.

Friday night was the Willard formal at the Shedd Aquarium. Busting a move with the fish was fun and the terrace outside the aquarium has quite possibly the most beautiful panoramic view of Chicago possible. "Think about it: 'are you art?' That's probably the hardest question you can ask a fish."

Saturday night, I went to see Alkaline Trio at Loyola. They played "Nose Over Tail"!! Although quite obviously drugged, the trio cranked out an awesome, rock-my-socks set. The opening band was called The Explanation, and they were so bad, that it was good. Their bassist had the most terrible voice I've ever heard. I LOVED IT.

HANGNAIL tonight at 6:30! Be there!

I'm on the guestlist for sasha and digweed tonight, but I don't really feel like going. I just wanna lollop about and read Edith Wharton.

Sunday, November 18, 2001

For whatever reason, other people and their problems have become profoundly disinteresting to me. This is the first time since I've been in college that this has happened. Why is everyone so boring? Curious

Obviously, Adele is the exception to this. She knows of my tap-dancing dreams. Dreams of stardom.

Tapity Tapity Tapity Tap. Clickity Clickity Clickity Click.

Saturday, November 17, 2001

I realized I never posted my letter to the editor for buchanan. Visit it here. Though I must say it isn't as good as the mindless savages comment...

While talking with anne last night, I have come to realize that the only thing I want from life is to be worshiped by someone. Although it is horribly unobjectivist of me to say so, I think that it would be a wonderful source of validation to know that I am the first person someone thinks about when getting up, and the last thing someone thinks about before going to bed. You know when you love someone, everyone you pass by or see out of the corner of your eye looks like that person? I want to be that mirage for someone.

I am constantly torn between too opposing viewpoints. The one is that I am too ugly for anyone to find dateable, so I assume no one ever looks at me, hence no one will every fall in love with me. The other is that I am too good for most people I meet. These extremes are not very loveable, so maybe I have a while to go before someone will be able to figure out my contradictions and love me in spite of them.

On a related note, Justin Kumar has made an open offer to take the burden of virginity off my shoulders if ever I should get tired of bearing it. I guess thats flattering, in a way. Its nice to know I have a backup plan in case this whole 'morality' thing doesn't pan out. Its a good thing my week ended on a positive note, else I'd consider taking him up on it.

www.redmeat.com/redmeat/
www.bizarremag.com

I have been listening to Rage Against the Machine, "Battle of Los Angeles". Aggressive socialist rap rock has never tasted so good.

I'm calm like a bomb!
Ignite! Ignite! Ignite!

Friday, November 16, 2001

"I never really do anything creative anymore except maybe solving parametrized differentail equations in spherical coordinates - but even that has some rigidity to it."--Russ Riggins

this is one of my favorite bits of folklore. mark informs me there is an opera based on it.

Bluebeard
by Charles Perrault

There was once a man who had fine houses, both in town and country, a deal of silver and gold plate, embroidered furniture, and coaches gilded all over with gold. But this man was so unlucky as to have a blue beard, which made him so frightfully ugly that all the women and girls ran away from him.
One of his neighbors, a lady of quality, had two daughters who were perfect beauties. He desired of her one of them in marriage, leaving to her choice which of the two she would bestow on him. Neither of them would have him, and they sent him backwards and forwards from one to the other, not being able to bear the thoughts of marrying a man who had a blue beard. Adding to their disgust and aversion was the fact that he already had been married to several wives, and nobody knew what had become of them.
Bluebeard, to engage their affection, took them, with their mother and three or four ladies of their acquaintance, with other young people of the neighborhood, to one of his country houses, where they stayed a whole week.
The time was filled with parties, hunting, fishing, dancing, mirth, and feasting. Nobody went to bed, but all passed the night in rallying and joking with each other. In short, everything succeeded so well that the youngest daughter began to think that the man's beard was not so very blue after all, and that he was a mighty civil gentleman.
As soon as they returned home, the marriage was concluded. About a month afterwards, Bluebeard told his wife that he was obliged to take a country journey for six weeks at least, about affairs of very great consequence. He desired her to divert herself in his absence, to send for her friends and acquaintances, to take them into the country, if she pleased, and to make good cheer wherever she was.
"Here," said he," are the keys to the two great wardrobes, wherein I have my best furniture. These are to my silver and gold plate, which is not everyday in use. These open my strongboxes, which hold my money, both gold and silver; these my caskets of jewels. And this is the master key to all my apartments. But as for this little one here, it is the key to the closet at the end of the great hall on the ground floor. Open them all; go into each and every one of them, except that little closet, which I forbid you, and forbid it in such a manner that, if you happen to open it, you may expect my just anger and resentment."
She promised to observe, very exactly, whatever he had ordered. Then he, after having embraced her, got into his coach and proceeded on his journey.
Her neighbors and good friends did not wait to be sent for by the newly married lady. They were impatient to see all the rich furniture of her house, and had not dared to come while her husband was there, because of his blue beard, which frightened them. They ran through all the rooms, closets, and wardrobes, which were all so fine and rich that they seemed to surpass one another.
After that, they went up into the two great rooms, which contained the best and richest furniture. They could not sufficiently admire the number and beauty of the tapestry, beds, couches, cabinets, stands, tables, and looking glasses, in which you might see yourself from head to foot; some of them were framed with glass, others with silver, plain and gilded, the finest and most magnificent that they had ever seen.
They ceased not to extol and envy the happiness of their friend, who in the meantime in no way diverted herself in looking upon all these rich things, because of the impatience she had to go and open the closet on the ground floor. She was so much pressed by her curiosity that, without considering that it was very uncivil for her to leave her company, she went down a little back staircase, and with such excessive haste that she nearly fell and broke her neck.
Having come to the closet door, she made a stop for some time, thinking about her husband's orders, and considering what unhappiness might attend her if she was disobedient; but the temptation was so strong that she could not overcome it. She then took the little key, and opened it, trembling. At first she could not see anything plainly, because the windows were shut. After some moments she began to perceive that the floor was all covered over with clotted blood, on which lay the bodies of several dead women, ranged against the walls. (These were all the wives whom Bluebeard had married and murdered, one after another.) She thought she should have died for fear, and the key, which she, pulled out of the lock, fell out of her hand.
After having somewhat recovered her surprise, she picked up the key, locked the door, and went upstairs into her chamber to recover; but she could not, so much was she frightened. Having observed that the key to the closet was stained with blood, she tried two or three times to wipe it off; but the blood would not come out; in vain did she wash it, and even rub it with soap and sand. The blood still remained, for the key was magical and she could never make it quite clean; when the blood was gone off from one side, it came again on the other.
Bluebeard returned from his journey the same evening, saying that he had received letters upon the road, informing him that the affair he went about had concluded to his advantage. His wife did all she could to convince him that she was extremely happy about his speedy return.
The next morning he asked her for the keys, which she gave him, but with such a trembling hand that he easily guessed what had happened.
"What!" said he, "is not the key of my closet among the rest?"
"I must," said she, "have left it upstairs upon the table."
"Fail not," said Bluebeard, "to bring it to me at once."
After several goings backwards and forwards, she was forced to bring him the key. Bluebeard, having very attentively considered it, said to his wife, "Why is there blood on the key?"
"I do not know," cried the poor woman, paler than death.
"You do not know!" replied Bluebeard. "I very well know. You went into the closet, did you not? Very well, madam; you shall go back, and take your place among the ladies you saw there."
Upon this she threw herself at her husband's feet, and begged his pardon with all the signs of a true repentance, vowing that she would never more be disobedient. She would have melted a rock, so beautiful and sorrowful was she; but Bluebeard had a heart harder than any rock!
"You must die, madam," said he, "at once."
"Since I must die," answered she (looking upon him with her eyes all bathed in tears), "give me some little time to say my prayers."
"I give you," replied Bluebeard, "half a quarter of an hour, but not one moment more."
When she was alone she called out to her sister, and said to her, "Sister Anne" (for that was her name), "go up, I beg you, to the top of the tower, and look if my brothers are not coming. They promised me that they would come today, and if you see them, give them a sign to make haste."
Her sister Anne went up to the top of the tower, and the poor afflicted wife cried out from time to time, "Anne, sister Anne, do you see anyone coming?"
And sister Anne said, "I see nothing but a cloud of dust in the sun, and the green grass."
In the meanwhile Bluebeard, holding a great saber in his hand, cried out as loud as he could bawl to his wife, "Come down instantly, or I shall come up to you."
"One moment longer, if you please," said his wife; and then she cried out very softly, "Anne, sister Anne, do you see anybody coming?"
And sister Anne answered, "I see nothing but a cloud of dust in the sun, and the green grass."
"Come down quickly," cried Bluebeard, "or I will come up to you."
"I am coming," answered his wife; and then she cried, "Anne, sister Anne, do you not see anyone coming?"
"I see," replied sister Anne, "a great cloud of dust approaching us."
"Are they my brothers?"
"Alas, no my dear sister, I see a flock of sheep."
"Will you not come down?" cried Bluebeard.
"One moment longer," said his wife, and then she cried out, "Anne, sister Anne, do you see nobody coming?"
"I see," said she, "two horsemen, but they are still a great way off."
"God be praised," replied the poor wife joyfully. "They are my brothers. I will make them a sign, as well as I can for them to make haste."
Then Bluebeard bawled out so loud that he made the whole house tremble. The distressed wife came down, and threw herself at his feet, all in tears, with her hair about her shoulders.
"This means nothing," said Bluebeard. "You must die!" Then, taking hold of her hair with one hand, and lifting up the sword with the other, he prepared to strike off her head. The poor lady, turning about to him, and looking at him with dying eyes, desired him to afford her one little moment to recollect herself.
"No, no," said he, "commend yourself to God," and was just ready to strike.
At this very instant there was such a loud knocking at the gate that Bluebeard made a sudden stop. The gate was opened, and two horsemen entered. Drawing their swords, they ran directly to Bluebeard. He knew them to be his wife's brothers, one a dragoon, the other a musketeer; so that he ran away immediately to save himself; but the two brothers pursued and overtook him before he could get to the steps of the porch. Then they ran their swords through his body and left him dead. The poor wife was almost as dead as her husband, and had not strength enough to rise and welcome her brothers.
Bluebeard had no heirs, and so his wife became mistress of all his estate. She made use of one part of it to marry her sister Anne to a young gentleman who had loved her a long while; another part to buy captains' commissions for her brothers, and the rest to marry herself to a very worthy gentleman, who made her forget the ill time she had passed with Bluebeard.

Thursday, November 15, 2001

It has come to my attention that Mary, Nick, and I are all taking English 298 with Bell this winter quarter. Objectivism will abound. This is a very good thing.

since nick deletes old posts, we'll preserve this here:

WhatRuss: huh?
funky strike: dude, get a copy of today's daily
funky strike: you got in
WhatRuss: I didn't write in yesterday
WhatRuss: OH SHIT
funky strike: "insecure, mindless savages"
funky strike: i'm sure the coldems will love that one.
WhatRuss: OH FUCKING SHIT

Because I hate cursive and I hate all of you. I'm never coming back to school, never!

20377 BIOL_SCI 103-0 20 Enrolled ABC/NC Grading 1.0
Diversty of Life Lecture Regular Academic Session
LR2, Technological Institute 2:30PM - 3:45PM Tue Thu Galbreath,Gary John

20717 ECON 201-0 60 Enrolled ABC/NC Grading 1.0
Intro Macroecon Lecture Regular Academic Session
AUD, Leverone Hall 10:00AM - 10:50AM Mon Tue Wed Barlevy,Gadi

20865 ENGLISH 298-0 21 Enrolled ABC/NC Grading 1.0
Intro Sem/Readng Lecture Regular Academic Session
3622, University Library 1:00PM - 2:20PM Tue Thu Bell,Kevin

22265 ECON 201-0 63 Enrolled Non-Graded Component 0.0
Intro Macroecon Discussion Regular Academic Session
Room: TBA, Building: TBA 10:00AM - 10:50AM Thu Instructor: TBA

25344 FRENCH 123-0 51 Enrolled ABC/NC Grading 1.0
2nd-Yr Fr Indiv Lecture Regular Academic Session
101, Lunt Hall 11:00AM - 11:50AM Tue Thu Spencer,Janine W

For the first time ever, my clothing and appearance got me picked out as an emo kid. This made me happy.

I was sitting in the Willard lobby, reading about "insecure, mindless savages" wearing airwalks, cuffed jeans, layered t-shirts, and black plastic glasses, when I heard, "hey, can you help me?"

I looked up to see an emo boy holding a stack of flyers advertising a show. He asked me if I was into "that kind of music" and if I'd help him get the word out about a punk show in the Bobb-McCulloch Hall Lounge on Monday night.

The poor child, a freshman emo kid, living in Bobb. Shed a tear for him.

If you are reading this, you should go see: Hangnail and Rest Assured (a good ole punk rock and emo show) Monday, November 19th, 6:30p.m. McCulloch Hall Lounge, $4.

I cannot guarantee that these bands will be good, as I have never heard them, but I think you should go anyway and prove that not all NU kids can only entertain themselves with frat parties and drinking. Over the summer, my friend Ted took me to a punk show at SUNY Binghamton, and I had a wonderful time. The band was mediocre, but the fifty kids who were there really rocked. Someone there was wearing a t-shirt that said, "Binghamton NY- Carousel Capital Hardcore." It was great.

In case you're wondering, Hangnail was described to me as melodic punk rock, kind-of-produced, not as poppy as new found glory. This sounds good.

I don't like sleeping alone.

Anne and I were talking about this the other day. Her experiences, several european men of varying degrees of hotness, are very different from mine, which revolve around sleeping in kingsize beds with 2 sisters. Either way, the experience is still the same. Waking up in a cold room in a cold bed is really terrible. You have to look up at the ceiling and ask yourself why on earth you should bother getting up. You have to make bargains: If I get up now, then I'll actually eat breakfast today. If I can get up out of bed, I can listen to that great everclear song and get something to drink. If I get up now, maybe i'll see someone who wants to see me on the way to class.

I feel conflicted between knowing that I want to isolate myself and wanting people around. Wanting my sisters around, wanting my mom around, wanting old friends from highschool like Bonnie around. Wanting NU friends who I'm too busy for to be around. Wanting to call people I have no business calling. That balance between being lonely and being alone...and its 2:10am. Tomorrow will be busy and mindnumbing and horrible, just like today was, just like Monday was, just like Sunday was. And I know that I have to wake up tomorrow morning and do a million things and work.

And I will have to wake up alone.

i hate what i'm becoming, what stress is doing to me. It's a means to an end, I know that, I know working this hard is right. But just because something's right doesn't make it any easier.

Wednesday, November 14, 2001

Links!

burnin' ring of fiber
forbidden fruit cocktail
polyester slacks museum
non-prescription pep remedy
gabriel's spit trap
taut tapestry of tendons

"I don't know. Sometimes I feel ugly"
--"That's because you are ugly, Mary".
"Am I?"
--"Yes. But that's OK, because inside you are so bright, your soul is the sun. I hate being around you sometimes; you're insides are so beautiful I feel like a mirror, not a real person. But you are ugly, very plain, awkward. You kind of remind me of sunlight filtering through a dirty window. People are drawn to you anyway, despite your appearance."

I knew the silence of the world
I knew the silence of the world
I knew the silence of the world
And I knew the silence of the world

I had to do the Pat Buchanan thing tonight. It was pretty cool, I have to say. And I'm not checking for spelling, so screw you if I spelled it wrong.

First of all, I need to start off by saying that I looked really good. I don't say that often, because its usaully not true. Usually, I'm ugly as sin. But, tonight I pimped it old money, which means nicely tailored black suit, white blouse, pearls, painted nails, and gold rings. My hair refused to be tamed, but it didn't look as queer as it usually does. But thats besides the point. the point is, I looked like a frickin' CEO. I looked rich and powerful and confident. Like I used to back in debate days. I forgot how much I adore dressing up in suits. I wish there was more of an occasion for me to wear them. The guys looked rather stunning as well. I forgot how much men can clean up when they want to. The obvious exception was Kumar, who I spent a lot of time catching up with. He was underdressed. Everyone else looked immaculate, and Russ and Mike looked like they owned the restaurant, which definitly made me appreciate the two gentlemen more. Mmmmm, power is sexy.

We're at the Roxy, where the food is great and the service terrible. Buchanan's older than I thought, and walks hunched. His wife was a perfect politicans wife: pretty, collected, graceful. An excellent conversationalist. Blonde domed hair and too much eye makeup, though. She was my ward, it was my job to make sure she was attended to. Which I did well. Because when I fall into old money mode, as one has to know in Dallas, one talks and carries conversations very professionally. I didn't talk to her much over dinner, but I had an excellent talk with her in between events. She told me about her old days working for Nixon and her friendship with Allan Greenspan. Life is strange.

We had to sneak them through the kitchen. On the way into Norris, some protesters handed Pat a newletter saying what Pat's stances on immigration, etc. were. He smiled and took one, then looked at the word-art picture of himself. He thought it was a riot. I snuck Alexis in also, as well as some guy who knew my name but whom I didn't remember. We get to walk up to the front where seats have been saved for us, basically looking and feeling ace. There is something about having an entire room of people watch you and know you are important and looking the part that is unequaled. His speech was funny--wittier and more coherent than I thought he would deliver. He also made some hysterical self-depricating remarks about the florida election, which I loved.

Russ, Mike, and I drove them back to the Omni, then to drop off Russ' car. I actually spent most of the night shuttling them around in Russ' Benz, which was sweet. On the way to the stadium Mike and I play cake's "short skirt/long jacket" at full volume, dancing in the car. And I have to go to bed and work tomorrow, and I'm depressed, because I had so much fun. I hate the fact that all of my friends work so hard, and that we all are so busy. I want to spend nights out like this, dressing up and going out and feeling great and confident and powerful. I want to be able to go in the city, go to dinners or concerts or plays or talks with this amazing group of people I'm friends with. And I can't. I find this so frustrating, and I find myself really sad and disappointed that tonight had to end. Not just for Buchanan, but for the knowledge that I probably will never be able to just hang out with all of my friends at once like that for months. When we do hang out, its sloppy and low key. I guess its sad to see how beautiful and polished and brilliant people can be; great conversationalists, perfect clothes, witty and cultured, only to realize that the next day they'll revert back into being just, regular. And even regularity wouldn't be so bad if i got to see them more than once a week, at most. And never together. But I don't know what I'm saying. I make no sense.

In protest of my self indulgance, here are some onion quotes:

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Plato claimed that our ideas are borne of our souls and not derived from our experience, but you get most of yours from the TV.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)

Eventually, it will occur to you that every interesting thing that's happened in your life actually happened to someone around you, and you just watched.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
The point isn't that the emperor is unclothed, nor is it that no one dares acknowledge this. The point is that people think a naked emperor is sexier.

Tuesday, November 13, 2001

Tom Sherman+Alcohol=Funniest man alive

And I don't do drugs because Ayn Rand tells me not to.

Monday, November 12, 2001

I have a very conflicted relationship with Q101. This morning, Mankow (or however you spell the morning dj's name) made mind-boggling comments about the war in Afghanistan after the plane crash in Queens. He advocated racial profiling, closing the borders, a bombing campaign that's "ten times Hiroshima," and most disturbingly, asked parents of school children to ask their kids if "that little middle-eastern kid in their class was celebrating after the WTC was attacked."
I asked the cafeteria employees to change the station after that. I hope that Mankow loses his job.
But I'll keep listening to Q101 because they also do things like play Green Day's "When I Come Around" directly followed by Remy Zero's "Save Me" directly followed by Weezer's "Hash Pipe."

On a totally different topic, I'd like to revisit Mary and Mark's discussion of poetry vs. prose writing, but I have to go to class right now.

Sunday, November 11, 2001

Must remember: KNOCK FIRST

Too young to die
Too rich to cared
Too bored to swear
That I was there.

Desolation, yes!
Hesitation, no!
As you might have guessed
All is never shown
As you might have guessed
We won't make it home
Desolation, yes!
Hesitation, no!

My soul belongs to Plato today

There are different stratas of friendships, I think. The one major failing in the English language is our lack of terms for the types of relationships we have. We have strangers, acquaintances, friends, lovers, spouses, and family. But in between friends and acquaintances there are subtleties that aren't categorizied. Like what do you call people who share your musical interests, but you don't trust? What do you call people who you secretly hate, but they're included in your group of friends? What do you call people who you tell your deepest secrets to, but you can't ever take them to a movie or talk about stupid, inane things? What about the people you hung out with in high school, who know more about you than anyone because they shared a ton of experiences with them, but you still don't necessarily like them? People with different values but good personalities, dumb people who are kind to you but whom you have no mental connection. I don't know what to call these people, so I heap them all under the title of friend. But friendship is valuable, and friendship is sacred. And I think that when it comes down to it, the people whom I really consider my friends, are brilliant and incredible. I just feel terrible that they have to share a name with people who are of less importance, simply because our language is not as far evolved as I would hope.

The girl next to me is having sex. On a Sunday afternoon. Loudly. I really have no opinion, but I'm going to plex for lunch anyway

Mary, G, and I look fabulous with our black hair-dos. If we were not lame and on blogspot, we would upload pictures that we took last night at the party.
At the risk of looking like a poser to the max and jumping on a trend way too late, I am going to buy some 1" pins. I absolutely cannot resist this one.

Back in black.

Why do I always feel so much more powerful and mysterious and sexy with black hair? I don't know. This is being looked into. On the down side, there are black rivers carved into my chest and stomach from my wash-out-dye-in-the-willard-showers episode. And my hands are black also. But my hair looks good, yo.

I went to a Lodge party tonight. It was weird, but the people were cool, so it was a nice chill out thing. willard is good for chilling out. thank heavens I don't live there. I'd study less than I do now.